It gets better… and then what?

When you’re used to everything being negative or plain too much it’s a really weird experience to escape it. The dream fulfilled never feels quite as sweet as how you imagined it, does it now?

Getting better is hard.

First, it gets worse, as you realise everything that’s wrong with you, everything that’s causing it, and everything you have to change. Sometimes knowing why things fuck you up and why you display fucked up behaviour in return is worse than what’s actually wrong. At least, that’s my experience. Out of your comfort zone and uncomfortably aware of what’s still wrong you might find you feel like you can’t play your own part in the play anymore. People have expectations of you which you don’t meet anymore and you might have dropped ancient habits or hobbies. It’s terrifying and freeing to cut out the external factors.

Secondly, you make progress, you feel happier. It’s not constant, but more and easier than you ever expected at your lowest. You’ve run into things you wish you could delete from your life but you still depend on them. You confront them by playing the same old dance, but not getting as affected by it. Still, there’s this empty. You have more energy and time, where do you leave it? There is so much since you need less to do the same things and stopped doing some. Hobbies? They’re just not the same, you used them as distractions and coping mechanisms and it’s sorta tainted. Only some specific prospects in your hobbies such as the release of a new game even get you to engage anymore. So much boredom. It’s a dangerous thing when being alone in your head isn’t completely safe yet.

I haven’t gotten to thirdly or lastly yet. I was heading there when my aunt got worse and passed away. Grief’s pretty good at setting you back. I’m lucky to, through it, have found a secure future which even includes someone I love. I’m still healing, not through love like shitty romcom movies pretend, but it certainly helps to have a stable loving environment 90% of the time (compared to like 1 maybe 2% at my lowest).

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Victimry

It’s like a sneeze that doesn’t come, you feel it coming and prepare only to be a weird mix of relieved and disappointed. That’s how I feel about this victory over the impending breakdown that didn’t come to be. For once I’m not the victim but rather the victor and it’s weird. I knew I was making progress in beating habits and fighting the cause of my issues, but I never guessed I was this strong. It’s highly encouraging.

I’ve been fighting this war with myself for many years and there were only ever losers. This is the first won battle. This can change the tide of the war. All because of the groundwork I’ve painstakingly slowly been laying even without support and more recently with people to catch me in case I fall. The most important person, of course, is the one that allowed for me to choose this growth for myself, who would’ve never pushed or steered. They’re not the reason for the change, but they are the reason why it’s been possible to grow so much faster and I’m grateful.

It might be safe to conserve the carefully crafted balance which upheld all the toxicity and opposing coping mechanisms, but I strive to be healthy. To do things without wasting half my energy fighting myself.

I’ve moved on from acting in self-defence. My pacifism was only holding me back. I will win.

Frenzy before the storm

I’m going to crash soon, I can feel it coming. It’s never quiet before I do, in fact, the same old problems resurface and start spitting venom again. I’m trying not to listen and so far I’ve mostly been fine, but it’s exhausting and hinders anything else I try to do. Sometimes I wonder if it’s better to not fight it. Would it lead to smaller crashes that still leave me able to do things? Or do I need a major crash so that I can be free of everything for a while? There’s still so much about myself I’ve to learn. I always used to do things one way as it was all I knew and now… now I’m starting to question things. Why are they the way they are? Why do I react like I do? How does that affect everything? How can I make it easier on my environment? How can they make it easier for me?

I wish I was more stable. Riding these mood & hormone swings is anything but fun.

Nothing ever goes according to plan.

I can feel the personality tear clear as day, my thoughts jump around, contrast, and conflict. My actions confuse people and the wrong truths bleed through my mask. I find myself arguing with this “other side” or referring to me and it as we, which tbh isn’t new.

I’m so tired of being my own worst enemy. I can’t even begin to imagine what I’m capable of if I wasn’t held back by all this. And people already think I’m smart :’). Okay, that’s a little conceited.

So much of what I mention here is enough to have people declare me insane, in need of medical attention. I hide, but that only makes it harder. I’m not as high function as I make people believe.

Ugh, if only the conditions for me to work efficiently weren’t so specific and at times random.

Recipe for Suicide

 

Cross the

Roads of nightmares
Rivers of pain
Ridges of abuse
Ravines of substances

Collect the

Smell of despair
Sound of broken dreams
Sight of eternity

Combine with

Taste of loneliness
Touch of exhaustion

Cook slowly

Final of the steps

Chaos