Like it was a jinx, changing my status to “it’s too early to call breaking infinity” has been the start of a horrible weekend. Seems like mania decided to switch with depression once again. Feels oddly familiar after a surreal week of happiness and things falling into place. Once again torn between 2 opposites, going crazy by my own thoughts alone.
Infinity, endlessness, never-ending, eternity. Drawn like an 8 lying on it’s side, once you complete the 2 intersecting loops you could trace them forever. Like the pen starts somewhere it must also be lifted. This is what I call “breaking infinity” and of course this somehow applies to my life. You see even depression has it’s better times and even more so in bipolar depression. Mania or happy energetic period symbolises what most people would find normal but for people like me is like a recovery phase. It’s followed by periods of depression which, were they not interrupted by a taste of happiness, wouldn’t be so bad were they consecutive. Once you get caught by depression (drawing infinity) you’re forever stuck repeating the same pattern (tracing) or so it seems, but I aim to escape the loop (lifting the pen) and break infinity.
So the reason I wear an infinity necklace and doodle them in my notes isn’t because I’m some preppy girl that does so since it’s popular, for m it has meaning. I secretly communicate how I feel by my necklaces. Infinity stands for bad times, the heart for happiness or love (duh) and the blue tortoise for new experiences and dreaming. I plan to get a tattoo one day, my proof of victory. The breaking infinity tattoo where the lines fade and steps lead away from the loop. I really hope I can get it one day, but for now I’m back in the loop. I hate feeling like this, but it’s what I know. Happy feelings confuse me and have me end up back to the sadness I’m familiar with.
The only silver lining is that it’s great inspiration for writing, which might explain why my posts had been so scarce during my “good” week. Besides I write not only here bu also towards a book and eh fan fictions 0:).