Caring, Crying, Creating

The end of the walking dead, life is strange, Okami and many others have made me cry. Not just games but movies, anime, books, worlds with fictional characters you get attached to and hate to see die. I used to hate crying over such “unimportant” things, but that time has passed. When you can’t cry anymore for your own story it can be nice to let go of all the cropped up feelings which have been stuck.

Why I care more for figments of imagination than reality? Because I was (with) them along their journey and witnessed everything they had to bare and everyone that they lost or had beside them. In my life I feel like one of those side characters, supporting the star of the story. I help out when things get though and people can choose to trust and care for me… or not.

Perhaps I don’t see the value in myself, think I’m pathetic for crying over myself when honestly sometimes I’d love but tears just won’t come. They say one who can’t cry is weak but how can I be weak after all I’ve lived through, I’m still standing and finally I’m getting side characters of my own, people who care. Yet my emotions are still a mess and I push away my pain to the back of my mind. “I have to keep going” or “there’s no time to recover” or worst of all “just grin and bear it” they’ve become automatic lies I tell myself and for what?

Responsibility this, moving on that, from what i hear adulthood sounds like an awful thing. We get excused for being teens or even kids, we still have to learn, there’s always adults watching our backs. One day though, we’ll be adults ourself and we’ll have to do everything ourselves. No more safety gear and supervision, just a net spread out across the abyss in case things really go to shit. I’m not scared, I don’t yearn for the past, neither do I look forward to the future. I just roll with the moment and don’t plan too far ahead since things never go according to plan anyway.

So for now I cry over silly things, because I can. Until I learn to become truly strong I’ll keep getting hurt and I’ll keep fighting back. No more hiding into fantasy worlds, instead taking them as a lesson for my own adventure which still awaits…

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