What it’s like to lose your mind

I just started writing this during a moment of going crazy. Just typing away my every thought. Times like these aren’t unusual to me but still relatively rare so don’t think I’m like this all the time.

Lost, broken, off balance. What matters? What do I have to do? What am I doing? What’s next? I feel like I’ve been placed in a fantasy world. I don’t belong. It’s so familiar. It’s so alien. Tears burn in my eyes but don’t come. My head is on fire, my hands are frozen. Nothing is comfortable. I want hide, to escape. Curl up in a ball and never wake up. I eat all the food I love. Cuddle my cat. Relive happy times. What does tomorrow matter? We’re all going to die anyway. My mind is a mess but at least it’s silent. There’s just dread, darkness. No… there’s still choices. Still voices that wont shut up. SHUT UP! Insanity, is this insanity? Losing it? I’m detached from myself, my hands moving without the slightest thought. Just my words being recorded, letter for letter, word for word. I can hear my breathing, I can feel my heart. I’m alone. There’s just me, stuck in this body. Overwhelmed by feelings. Numb, uncontrolled. Sometimes unable to form coherent sentences. Noises disturb me. I can feel the borders of my body. I can see the limits of my mind. I must be delirious. Shaking, disorientated. Why? Just why? The odds are never in our favour. I’m breaking my promises with myself. i can’t seem to do my work, the things I have to. I don’t want to fail again, I can’t. I am stronger than that. I have to win. I’m not giving up again. I hate expectations. I hate not meeting expectations. I’m horrible at choosing. Feelings confuse me, especially “good” ones. I stopped looking at the screen a while ago. I just stare at the letters as my mind connects them into words. Don’t bother for the spelling, we have autocorrect for that. This must be a pain to read but honestly this “mood” is a pain to be in, so deal with it. Who am I? What am I doing? I’m lost. I can’t ask for help. They don’t understand. I tried help last time. It made it worse. I wanna sleep. I’m not tired. The book is almost finished but I have more to read. There’s anime left too. I should write on my stories more. Today has been a weird day. Can I go back to keeping up my act tomorrow? Can I face him? What about the other one? I need chocolate. I shouldn’t eat so much bad stuff. I’m spending too much money. My dad’s birthday is soon, he needs a present. Gotta pick up the girls after school tomorrow, I’ll have to stay longer. Tomorrow is such a long day already. Now I really gotta make sure school doesn’t find my blog. They’ll take me off IB immediately. I’m not crazy. I can do this. It’s almost eleven… don’t think I can sleep before then. I’ll be up until after midnight. Is my insomnia returning. Will the monsters be there? Dora is so cute, I’d love to trade with her for her simple life, but she’d ruin mine. Being a ca is so easy: sleep, eat, get cuddled, eat again, sleep. I love cats. I don’t like the clothes I’m wearing, they’re not my style. Not comfy enough. Not like I have much choice with todays awful fashion. Kakashi. People wouldn’t miss my absence from tumblr right? I wonder how soon they expect me to put out a new chapter for my popular fanfic. The last one isn’t even finished yet. I don’t want to worry anyone. I’m worried myself. I don’t want this. Why can’t I be happy? Or at least less like… this. My back hurts, I’m too lazy to move. Motivation is a hard thing for me. I can work hard when I have to. I have a test tomorrow. I didn’t give in the Geography homework yet. What about that weird thing for english. I hate being in trouble. I hate disappointing. I’m not a real pessimist, I’m an optimist that has been disappointed too much. My hair looks silly, I should have kept that strand in the braid. I wish it was longer.

If only essay would write this easily. I’m still not putting every thought down, my brain goes to fast for that. There’s a weird silence in my ears though I can still hear what happens around me. I feel like I’m looking at things from behind my eyes or beyond. I can’t really feel my fingers but I can see them moving without giving them any instructions to do so. I’m just typing my thoughts without hesitation, without censor. Ah now I’m thinking of inappropriate things. Painful memories. Cringingly awkward events and failures. So many mistakes I’ve made. It could have all been spared had I made a huge mistake when I was younger. It’s been 9 years now. 9 extra year that I’ve been alive. Aim for 3 times 8. 8 years building up to darkness. 8 years suffering in an ever swallowing darkness. 8 years of happiness. That was the plan. I was happy. I’m not anymore.Why? Why am I not allowed to be happy? It’s gotten to the point where I get paranoid after a streak of luck. I see danger where none lurks. I try to help others not become like me but how can I give them advise when I’m a failure myself? Whenever I’m in this kind of mood it’s just weird. I’m locked in a different world, a haze. I don’t remember what normally gets me out. It must be the fact that I have to. That I need to go back to the play and fulfil my role. Responsibilities… becoming an adult. I always wanted to grow up. I don’t want to anymore, but back then I was miserable too. If only I could warn younger self. My eyes are starting to act up. Am I going to black out or something? I hate my glasses. I am… sleepy? Will I edit my spelling mistakes? smoothen out the writing? Leave it raw and fragile? Where am I going with this? I truly am scatterbrained. I’m pretty spoiled to, my room is big. I have many expensive things. No brand clothing though, but I don’t like that stuff anyway. I want sushi right now. I don’t wanna go back to school. My party was a disaster. 4 Subjects tomorrow. 9 lessons. Shit, did we have geography homework? Besides the one from Tuesday. It’s Wednesday but it was a free day. It’s fucking with my brain. It’s not the only thing. I need a vacation. Can’t I pause life and recover for a bit? Perhaps load a previous save and fix my mistakes? Would that erase my memory? Should I stop writing? This is getting long. My mood shows no sign of changing. i should brush my teeth, change into my pjs. My pjs are comfy. I’m staring into nothingness, I know where the keys are. Don’t need to look to type. Can’t find a comfortable way to sit. i really am sleepy. Weird.. This place is a mess. This writing is a mess. No coherent thoughts. Sleep. Escape this horrible place called reality even if for only a short period of time. Oh right, we’re going to watch a movie in German. I didn’t write down e listing off my subjects today. I wonder why? Are there more things I didn’t bother mention? Besides the inappropriate things I’ll never tell anyone. There’s other secrets I’ll never spill. I wonder why anyone likes me. I do care about them. I’m a weird person There’s no one there to save me. No one to notice me drowning. I don’t wanna go back there. When did I go crazy? I’m not the person I was. Should I be glad about that? Am I me right now? Is this fade in control. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I wish I knew. So many things I don’t get. This reminds me of an english task. Writing freely for 10 minutes about english and learning english. I wrote the most in that time. I didn’t say everything I wanted to. I don’t even type that fast. 15 minutes to fall asleep or I’ll have to drag myself through plenty sleepless hours. So tired. Glasses are annoying. I don’t like macs. I’m still mad I had to get one. I’m glad I have a laptop. should have gotten one earlier. My phone has been acting up with playing music, I should google it. Stop writing, this isn’t going anywhere.What will I ever use this writing for? Bye. Limbs heavy. Eyes heavy. Breaking promises. Bad girl.Fucking great.

After lying face down next to my laptop for a bit I seemed to have calmed down to some extend. I’m going to try and sleep. Tomorrow everything will be better… I hope.


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