Sanity set sail

I‘m disappointed in myself. What happened to the books I’d read? Or the games I’d play? The Animes I’d watch? The Youtubers I followed? What about those things I used to call hobbies but now see as tasks to avoid? Why is everything that used to bring me happiness past tense? I can’t seem to bring up the motivation when before I used to grab any chance I got to “waste” my time on these things…

Nowadays my feelings are confused and I feel like I’m a different person at every time of day. In front of people I normally don’t care about it suddenly matters that they like me and to the people I’m close with I act indifferent. Why? Why do I have no control of my actions? Why do I act out of character? Have I finally snapped?

Since these “takeovers” are so subtle that I don’t notice at the moment but afterwards I cringe over things I regret. It wasn’t me who did that. It’s not like I’m sitting in the backseat watching someone do these things, it’s more like my morals and ideas are temporarily shifted. I was there, but back then it made sense to act that way…

Arrrgh, my feelings are a mess, my head is a mess… is there anywhere left to run? To hide from who I am, no of what I’m becoming? I used to write the lines for my role but it now seems I’m only the actress and I play my part so well. Did I lose myself along the way of trying to be what people wanted me to be? Do I even know who I am to begin with? Where does my act end and my personality begin?

No more… I just want to shut everything out. Leave me alone, don’t come near. I’m lonely, give me affection. Notice me, I need to be out there more. Always contradicting fucking feelings. Choose, choose, choose. Shut up, just shut up. I shouldn’t be talking to myself. I’d like silence, in my head an all around. I can never find it, there’s always noise. No matter how much I try to drown it I can’t escape it.

Even insane characters and their ridiculous actions start to make sense, perhaps even look like fun. What the fuck. Tokyo Ghoul, known for being gruesome, is a welcome and enjoyable distraction. My mind is twisted, my likes and dislikes switched, I can no longer control my anger and my thoughts are working against me. How can I still keep up this convincing smile? Why do I do it anyway? There’s nothing being gained from being a lame puppet in this crazy game.

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