I has a sad

It wasn’t a very special moment, I was just watching anime and reading fanfic, yet suddenly it all started to process. I started crying, slow, silent, hesitant. I quickly realised it wouldn’t stop there and got into the shower, I had to anyone, I told myself. With my head under the warm water the dam burst. Snotting and coughing and crying fast enough to match the downpour of the shower. It must have looked really ugly and sounded like someone was dying, but I needed it. I kept turning up the warmth until it still felt a little hot when I remained under it. I pushed aside my fear of getting water up my nose and let it run down my face. That fact that it drowned out most noises was the best part.

I was out of breath by the time I’d thrown most of my cropped of emotions out. Most? More like enough. If I wanted to let it all out I’d have to scream and destroy and exhaust myself through more physical measure. At a certain point, I was just crying to cry, not because of the things that made me anxious, angry, afraid or even disappointed.

Eventually, I got up like someone very uncertain of their stability and washed my hair. When that was all done I turned the water temperature as low as our shower goes, which is close to my normal temperature, and it was definitely a shock to my system but I felt like a lot of stuff literally washed off me.

Got out dryed off without caring what style my hair would be in and put on a baggy sweater and sweatpants. Didn’t even bother with contacts and grabbed my glasses instead. So now I look like I’ve gotten to the point in studying where you don’t care about your apppearance anymore while in reality my escapes ran out and things came crashing down. Maybe I can actually get some studying done again, huh.

Advertisements

DEEPer MEANing

I want to sleep off exhaustion that isn’t physical, waiting for wounds that don’t bleed to finally heal. Tears roll red hot down my throat, hidden by a smile that’s only the corners of my mouth pointing upwards. My hands run ice cold from the fever in my mind. I’m hungry for things I can’t eat and need something to brighten the darkness which isn’t light.

Relapse, Breakdown

It can be anything; a word, a phrase, a look, an event, even a thought can trigger it. Months of building confidence, picking up my broken pieces and catching up on things I pushed aside to save myself. Loads of work left to be unfinished, promises soon to be broken, people ignored and offended. All because of one little thing that flipped the switch, or maybe lots of little things. It just becomes too much.

Salt on my tongue, heat on my knuckles, cold in my bones, sour is my stomach and empty the silence. I know I’m crying, but I don’t feel it. I punched the wall until I bled, yet there’s no pain. It’s spring and the weather’s mild while I’m shivering from the cold. I’m healthy though my burning throat suggests otherwise. I feel numb, with my heart ripped out of my chest. Disconnected from reality and time as feelings take control. Not this again.

Incoherent mess of negativity

I’m so tired of lying, faking and betraying everyone and everything I stood for. I’d love to drop the act and spill the truth and all the suffering I’ve been keeping inside, but…

I passed the point of no return an eternity ago and I’m stuck with the choices I’ve made and the ending I’ve earned. All I can do is play out my role and long for the time the curtain close one last time.


I can’t remember the last time I genuinely smiled, or what it feels like not to be afraid. I wonder if I’ve experienced happiness, all I know is 9 years of darkness and shard of the 8 years before. How am I still breathing?


Am I weak for not being able to give up, admit and accept what I have? Am I strong for being able to bear so much and still do what is expected of me?


“What’s wrong?” You wouldn’t understand. “Explain then.” How would I explain something that is built up over years, based on many disorders and I don’t even understand to someone as unbroken as you? I mean it when I say you won’t understand, I’m yet to find anyone who does. That’s why I can’t even call for help, I don’t know the problem.