Victimry

It’s like a sneeze that doesn’t come, you feel it coming and prepare only to be a weird mix of relieved and disappointed. That’s how I feel about this victory over the impending breakdown that didn’t come to be. For once I’m not the victim but rather the victor and it’s weird. I knew I was making progress in beating habits and fighting the cause of my issues, but I never guessed I was this strong. It’s highly encouraging.

I’ve been fighting this war with myself for many years and there were only ever losers. This is the first won battle. This can change the tide of the war. All because of the groundwork I’ve painstakingly slowly been laying even without support and more recently with people to catch me in case I fall. The most important person, of course, is the one that allowed for me to choose this growth for myself, who would’ve never pushed or steered. They’re not the reason for the change, but they are the reason why it’s been possible to grow so much faster and I’m grateful.

It might be safe to conserve the carefully crafted balance which upheld all the toxicity and opposing coping mechanisms, but I strive to be healthy. To do things without wasting half my energy fighting myself.

I’ve moved on from acting in self-defence. My pacifism was only holding me back. I will win.

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Frenzy before the storm

I’m going to crash soon, I can feel it coming. It’s never quiet before I do, in fact, the same old problems resurface and start spitting venom again. I’m trying not to listen and so far I’ve mostly been fine, but it’s exhausting and hinders anything else I try to do. Sometimes I wonder if it’s better to not fight it. Would it lead to smaller crashes that still leave me able to do things? Or do I need a major crash so that I can be free of everything for a while? There’s still so much about myself I’ve to learn. I always used to do things one way as it was all I knew and now… now I’m starting to question things. Why are they the way they are? Why do I react like I do? How does that affect everything? How can I make it easier on my environment? How can they make it easier for me?

I wish I was more stable. Riding these mood & hormone swings is anything but fun.

Nothing ever goes according to plan.

I can feel the personality tear clear as day, my thoughts jump around, contrast, and conflict. My actions confuse people and the wrong truths bleed through my mask. I find myself arguing with this “other side” or referring to me and it as we, which tbh isn’t new.

I’m so tired of being my own worst enemy. I can’t even begin to imagine what I’m capable of if I wasn’t held back by all this. And people already think I’m smart :’). Okay, that’s a little conceited.

So much of what I mention here is enough to have people declare me insane, in need of medical attention. I hide, but that only makes it harder. I’m not as high function as I make people believe.

Ugh, if only the conditions for me to work efficiently weren’t so specific and at times random.

Recipe for Suicide

 

Cross the

Roads of nightmares
Rivers of pain
Ridges of abuse
Ravines of substances

Collect the

Smell of despair
Sound of broken dreams
Sight of eternity

Combine with

Taste of loneliness
Touch of exhaustion

Cook slowly

Final of the steps

Chaos

Insult to Injury

How hard is it to understand that mental health problems don’t present in isolated events? That they bleed into each other and require recovery? That expecting me to do the tasks I normally fulfil is like asking someone who’s broken their leg to walk a marathon and god forbid they wear a cast.

It’s not that I don’t try, oh don’t I try, but willpower only gets you so far when you already have to drain it to not curl up in a ball and cry or hurt someone. Even verbalising my intent remains difficult because my brain is basically installing windows updates, but still, it gets some stuff done.

Focusing, even on stuff I enjoy, becomes exhausting. I’m in the permanent dilemma between ‘I’m too nauseous to eat’ and ‘I’m so hungry/Want food things’ and ‘No way I’m moving my ass from where I am right now’.