Don’t call me

I don’t go anywhere without my phone anymore. I panic when it’s not there. Even if I just go downstairs for a couple minutes to grab a drink. I have to have it. It’s not about the device itself, I’m not addicted. I need to have it when I get called. If I leave the house I bring a power bank. I can’t run out of battery. I have to be reachable for when it’s happened.

We all do this. If we leave, we all make sure it is known whether we have our phone and if not how we can be reached. It makes work agonizing. Hours of not being able to check if I missed a call or text, because it’s rude. Evening shifts are the bane of my existence, despite being the easiest. I am the sole responsible person then. I can’t just leave.

Anytime my phone rings I am afraid to answer. People rarely call me, I have calling anxiety. It only makes this all worse. And when it’s someone who can’t be bearing the news I feel a flash of anger that they’re calling. I’m expecting a phone call and they’re keeping my line busy. They scared me. But usually, they meant well.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I just need to get it out. Ironic that I can pull of short sentences when it’s about me. It correlates to my attention span right now. I keep looking for distractions because I need a break from my thoughts, but nothing works for long. Games still work, but I get so into it that time disappears so unless I’ve got a lot of time I don’t go there. I’m so tired of acting responsible and mature. I’m also tried from my fucked up sleeping schedule and crazy dreams. All my symptoms are coming back. I wonder if this time I will get to experience what it’s like to get support throughout this? Friends and family are already being much more considered this time. Why is this any different? Why is being sad about hurting over grief more valid than being sad over hurting?

I don’t want cheerful songs right now. It’s better to fill the painful silence with songs that match my mood. It’s less confronting.

I tried to start writing the poem for the ceremony. It’s been years since I wrote a poem in Dutch, but it’d feel wrong in English. I made some progress, but then I broke down. I will always carry her with me in the tattoo on my skin, the necklace around my neck, and the memories in my head.

The world keeps moving on. It’ll be Christmas soon and I’m not excited. Not in the same bitter way I’m used to. More like it’s sneaking up on me, another mandatory box to tick at this time of year. We haven’t planned anything. I don’t even want to, it feels wrong. Last year I decided to come home after all for Christmas, because it could be her last en now it really might be. The last one she was fully aware anyway…

I’m supposed to find a birthday present for a friend whose party I may or may not be attending. I want to. But it’s hard enough to get out of bed. I don’t even know what will happen in an hour, let alone in a week.

My eyes keep wrongly adjusting to the light, almost like a literal tunnel vision. I can even feel the expressionlessness of my face. I feel numb except for this heaviness all over.

Now my fingers no longer fly over the keyboard, I guess that means it’s time to stop.


What it’s like to lose your mind

I just started writing this during a moment of going crazy. Just typing away my every thought. Times like these aren’t unusual to me but still relatively rare so don’t think I’m like this all the time.

Lost, broken, off balance. What matters? What do I have to do? What am I doing? What’s next? I feel like I’ve been placed in a fantasy world. I don’t belong. It’s so familiar. It’s so alien. Tears burn in my eyes but don’t come. My head is on fire, my hands are frozen. Nothing is comfortable. I want hide, to escape. Curl up in a ball and never wake up. I eat all the food I love. Cuddle my cat. Relive happy times. What does tomorrow matter? We’re all going to die anyway. My mind is a mess but at least it’s silent. There’s just dread, darkness. No… there’s still choices. Still voices that wont shut up. SHUT UP! Insanity, is this insanity? Losing it? I’m detached from myself, my hands moving without the slightest thought. Just my words being recorded, letter for letter, word for word. I can hear my breathing, I can feel my heart. I’m alone. There’s just me, stuck in this body. Overwhelmed by feelings. Numb, uncontrolled. Sometimes unable to form coherent sentences. Noises disturb me. I can feel the borders of my body. I can see the limits of my mind. I must be delirious. Shaking, disorientated. Why? Just why? The odds are never in our favour. I’m breaking my promises with myself. i can’t seem to do my work, the things I have to. I don’t want to fail again, I can’t. I am stronger than that. I have to win. I’m not giving up again. I hate expectations. I hate not meeting expectations. I’m horrible at choosing. Feelings confuse me, especially “good” ones. I stopped looking at the screen a while ago. I just stare at the letters as my mind connects them into words. Don’t bother for the spelling, we have autocorrect for that. This must be a pain to read but honestly this “mood” is a pain to be in, so deal with it. Who am I? What am I doing? I’m lost. I can’t ask for help. They don’t understand. I tried help last time. It made it worse. I wanna sleep. I’m not tired. The book is almost finished but I have more to read. There’s anime left too. I should write on my stories more. Today has been a weird day. Can I go back to keeping up my act tomorrow? Can I face him? What about the other one? I need chocolate. I shouldn’t eat so much bad stuff. I’m spending too much money. My dad’s birthday is soon, he needs a present. Gotta pick up the girls after school tomorrow, I’ll have to stay longer. Tomorrow is such a long day already. Now I really gotta make sure school doesn’t find my blog. They’ll take me off IB immediately. I’m not crazy. I can do this. It’s almost eleven… don’t think I can sleep before then. I’ll be up until after midnight. Is my insomnia returning. Will the monsters be there? Dora is so cute, I’d love to trade with her for her simple life, but she’d ruin mine. Being a ca is so easy: sleep, eat, get cuddled, eat again, sleep. I love cats. I don’t like the clothes I’m wearing, they’re not my style. Not comfy enough. Not like I have much choice with todays awful fashion. Kakashi. People wouldn’t miss my absence from tumblr right? I wonder how soon they expect me to put out a new chapter for my popular fanfic. The last one isn’t even finished yet. I don’t want to worry anyone. I’m worried myself. I don’t want this. Why can’t I be happy? Or at least less like… this. My back hurts, I’m too lazy to move. Motivation is a hard thing for me. I can work hard when I have to. I have a test tomorrow. I didn’t give in the Geography homework yet. What about that weird thing for english. I hate being in trouble. I hate disappointing. I’m not a real pessimist, I’m an optimist that has been disappointed too much. My hair looks silly, I should have kept that strand in the braid. I wish it was longer.

Continue reading

Autumn Mystery

A leaf blows past, red and thinned by the autumn weather. There’s the continuous sound of crunching as I make my way along the path or what once was anyway. A shiver runs down my body after another whip of the wind and I zip my coat up to the top and try to hide behind my scarf.

The forest is alive with bright colours but they’ve long since lost my interest, I see them often enough. A mouse here a squirrel there, they notice me but continue their business much like I do. I suppose my breathing will be audible by now but I can’t tell with the music in my ears. While most would be deaf to the world I hear better, it helps me drown the unnecessary sounds.

My hands buried deep in my pockets are sweaty by the time the trees thin out. I quickly pull out my phone, I’m early. He left me a message… I make my way to our meeting spot first. The hollow oak that must have died years ago is our hideaway and it even shelters from this slight drizzle. It had been very old and created what could be seen as a small room once you find the entrance.

I head inside and sit down on the small couch we dragged here ages ago. My bag I place on the table, but I decided to wait to open the contents until he arrives. I wait to catch my breath until I bring out my phone once more to read my text. I should have done so earlier.

Robin, don’t go to our spot today. I heard there’s some creep around the woods that has attacked people before and you must have heard of the missing teenagers. I’ll just drop by your house for homework later. Max

It worried me though it didn’t last long, Max was a prankster after all. Still I needed something sweet to lighten my mood and headed over to the table. I had packed some homemade cookies and cupcakes. It was meant as a picnic but oh well…

I had just reached the couch when I heard a familiar tread of footsteps approaching the clearing. I hurries to close the bag and crawled out of the old tree.  “Yo, Maxy.” The solemn look on his face transformed into the grin I prefer seeing. “Hey, Roby.” I roll my eyes at his greeting, he knows it annoys me.

We head inside and talk about our day. I notice his hands are shaking and his outfit is messier than usual. I make no comment and he seems content with that. I get up and bring out my haul of delicacies or at least I would have when Max caught me by surprise. He hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. I froze, why was he doing this?

“What are you trying to do, bro?” He took a deep breath and then whispered: “Isn’t it obvious?” I loosened his grip and somewhat reluctant he stepped back. “I thought you were straight.” I said. “I never said I was.” Is his reply. No way… The guy I’d crushed on all along way gay like me?

Tears start to stream down my face as I burst into laughter.  “How could I have been so blind?” I mutter. Max seems somewhat freaked out. I should explain this then… “I-I..” But I can’t voice the words he needs to hear. I reach into my bag and bring out a special cupcake hidden away between some books. I had prepared it so I could tell him how I felt ages ago but never found the courage for it.

I reach out to give him the rainbow frosted cupcake with a heart on it. “Robin… what?” His hand is hovering over it and I grab it with my empty one turning it around to place the cupcake on it. He stares at it in disbelieve. “Does this mea-”  He never gets to finish his sentence.

It’s interrupts by my knife getting lodged in his throat. I pull it out and he drops to his knees placing his empty hand on the wound that’s beyond saving. His expression is of pain and confusion, just the way I like it. I capture a picture with my phone.

He’s surprisingly quiet and I’m almost furious that I wasted so much effort getting him to show up in this lone forest. To have some more fun I lift his pretty face by his chin and leave a heart shaped cut on his right cheek. No scream, just opening his mouth and gritting his teeth.

A noise from my phone disturbs the moment and I let go of him. Even if he can move he won’t make it far.

So what time should I come over for homework? My folks even said I could sleep over!  M

Huh? What? I never saw him take out his phone. I turn around to see him sprawled across the floor still holding on to the cupcake. No… Either this is not Max or someone has his phone…

Depressing header here

The art of lying

“Now tell me what you see.”

A vicious monster with a smile full of razor-sharp teeth, glowing eyes and horns on its head. His tail is like a dinosaur and his 6 limbs are big strong and deadly. His scales are covered in blood and remains of flesh are on his teeth.


“Okay, how about this one?”

Someone hanging themselves, their neck already snapped and the chair almost fallen over. Eyes without the spark of life and limbs hanging numb. The room is dark but a lightning flash is illuminating this persons final moment


“Hmm… last one.”

Order and chaos, the 2 parts of me. They’re like Yin and Yang, good and bad. Order is pictured angelic with an aureole and feathery wings. Her hair is long and straight, her clothes are white and dainty. Her eyes are friendly but shy and her pose is insecure. Chaos is rather devilish with horns and bat-like wings. Her hair is short and spike, her clothes brightly coloured and revealing. Her eyes are filled with anger and her pose is confident. Sometimes they each have their own body, other times they’re contrasting sides of one.

“Happy sisters.”

“Can you tell me more about these ‘sisters’ you see?”

She’s on to me, I guess that was inevitable. Still I won’t tell her the truth, nothing good comes from it. I’ll have to make up a believable story now, huh…

“Well… I think they’re sister. They look very alike and have similar hair. The one on the right is obviously the older one as she’s more worried and serious. I wonder where they’re going.”

“We’ll end it here for today, next time try to be honest. I can’t help you like this.”

Nobody can help me, plenty have tried. I’m alone in the darkness, you’re blinded by the light that I’ve turned my back to long ago. I’ve long since forgotten why I keep up these appearances, matter of habit I suppose.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about miss.”

“Of course, see you soon.”


No wave of a hand, no hug. Nothing but empty words as I take my leave, back towards my own little world where I shut everything out. I wouldn’t say I’m happier there but it takes a lot less effort. I’m always so tired after this, no I’m just always tired. Tired of being tired, a vicious cycle. A set pattern much like the questions. Same question, same answer, same response.

“How are you feeling?”

Like I have the weight of the world on my eyelids, as if my muscles have been reduced to dust. My brain must have been charred in in flames and my emotions are at war. I haven’t eaten well for longer than I can remember and I’m not even hungry, I’m ever thirsty but can hardly drink when I get a hold of something to do so. Sleep is a luxury and so is free time.

“I guess I’m okay.”

“So, things are getting better?”

I’ve never felt so low, so alone. More and more anxiety, stress and problems are crushing me. I’m starting to doubt if it ever will ‘get better’. Every day is worse than the last and this downward spiral only has one definitive end.

“You could say that, yeah.”

“What about school, doing alright?”

I’m swamped with homework, I’ve been sorting out shit that others should have done for me in my free periods. My new class is great but they’re equally broken, we’re all suicidal kids telling each other that suicide isn’t the answer. It takes way too much energy out of me and I barely have time for hobbies.

“I’ll live.”

“Ah, no worries, you’re smart. You’ve done the first half before, that should give you an advantage.

Do you have a crush on anyone at the moment?”

My heart has been and still gets broken by a guy I can’t get over. He fucks with my head and I keep coming back. Even after we kissed, no he kissed me, he put me in the friend zone. Meanwhile I have crushes on people I’ll never dare tell and even if I did my heart wouldn’t have healed enough yet. It’s so hard to get over love, I’d rather not have it at all.

“No, no real crushes at the moment. Seems I finally caught a break.”

“Come on, someone will swoop you off your feet soon enough.”


“How about you? How’s life?”

I let them talk and feign interest but in reality I’m back in my little dreamworld, my jumble of thoughts. I don’t much care for them but they don’t know. If I was asked to save one person out of everyone I know, my reply will be a question. Does my cat count as a person?

“Want to go to X with me (date here)?”

Going to places I don’t like, doing things that don’t have my interest. I’d much rather escape to my room with my wifi access and comfort food. People exhaust me and I’d rather go alone. What use would I be anyway, it’s not like I’m fun to be around…

“My parents already planned something on that date, sorry.”

“Oh, well maybe next time.”


I’ve been dead for 8 years, that’s how I usually explain dealing with the thoughts of suicide. When you’re prepared to give up on life can you really say you’re still living? For me it started at the shocking age of 8 years old, now I haven’t a clue how on earth I would have offed myself had I gone trough with it but nonetheless this darkness has never left me. I have certainly grown up and gotten stronger but the battle remains and in this time of turmoil the writer in me can’t help but jot things down during some of my best and worst moment so what the rest of this post holds is anything but happy poems and stories about rainbows and unicorns. Read at your own risk and remember, I’m still here so don’t do what I couldn’t.

I wish to do die, or so I say 9 years after I first thought so. I’m still here, life hasn’t gotten better. In fact it has gotten worse. I often wonder why I can’t give up and follow the one thing I’ve been most certain of my entire life. Hope? Such a fragile thing has long faded. Love? Only my cat holds it for me while I have plenty for others. I’m always putting others before myself, I’m not necessarily kind though. It keeps me busy and feel a lot less useless. In fact most often I see people as opportunities and could adapt to make friends with almost anyone. I don’t know who I am and why I’m still going.

Nobody really knows who I am and no one can save me. I’m a lost cause, yet I can’t escape yet. I’m fighting my fate, myself and plenty more. “I don’t want all my suffering to have been for nothing. It shouldn’t be all I knew.” My reason for living, I couldn’t find anything better. The world will go on without me though some might fall after me that won’t be able to bother me when I’m gone. Still something keeps resisting keeping me in this hell. They say suicide sends you to hell but I’ve got the feeling that place isn’t half as bad as what I’m going through right now.

I fake a smile and say I’m fine. I don’t even know why, but it hurts that no one has come up and called me on bluff. No one has tried to save me, I’m on my own. Together alone. How mannieth time is this that I’ve hit rock bottom, 5th? 6th? Sigh, why bother thinking of reasons to keep me here? Even a stupid to do list… But I really do want to do those things but I also really want this shit to be over.

“You say you wish to die, but in reality you just want to be saved.” “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” What if there’s nothing worth saving? What if problems aren’t temporary and those that are get solved only to give way to more? I could jump out of the window right now, I live on the 5th floor, but… always buts… always indecisive. Total opposites, 2 voices never giving me a rest. So many decisions, never a right answer.

I don’t even remember what being happy is like, I get paranoid when I’m on a lucky streak, insomnia and hallucinations are usual occurrences. So many disorders it’s hard to distinguish them and who’s causing what. Always exhausted, never good enough. Pessimist, an optimist who’s been disappointed too often. From stories I’ve heard that I was a happy kid once upon a time. It’s been so long since I’ve gone wrong. I might seem innocent and weak but I have a dark side I don’t like showing, how else have I survived so long. I can count the times I’ve been angry, not pissed, really angry. That’s when all the swallowed words and beard pain breaks free. The results were never pretty.

If people that claim to know me ever read this they’d probably be shocked, we all have our secrets but mine are very very dark. Some know I imagine pretty scenarios and happy endings but I also imagine killing myself or others or at least letting them feel something close to my pain. They might try to save me but then it’d be to late, I’m already far gone. Even if I live even the part fighting to stay alive agrees I don’t want to grow old, it’s just a matter of time. Still I’d prefer if I was killed or something, matter of honour and it’d take the decision away from me.

For now I’ll focus on completing my to do list, some entries are very childish but whatever. One might take a very long time and I’m not sure if I can complete it. Then there are things I want to say to certain people, I can only do that on the last day I guess. Will I leave a note? Do I want to be buried? How can I kill myself in a way that my organs can still be donated? Man I’ve never really sorted those things out, huh.

Caught in war 

Why am I always torn

Why can I never choose

After years I’m all worn

I think I’m soon to lose

A war without a victor

And nothing to be gained

With all I’ve been trough

It has only earned me pain

Still I cling to wishes

It’s what gets me out of bed

But in fact the truth is

They only created chaos in my head

Stalked by nightmares

Lost in dreams

It leaves me scared

I wish I could scream

I don’t remember happiness

I’m paranoid when I’m in luck

Innocence is a long gone bliss

I pretend not to give a fuck

But I do care

I still feel

Even though I’m scared

I want theses wounds to heal

Fantasy is my escape

Writing my way to vent

Loneliness something I crave

Food a main event

Socially awkward

A clumsy romantic

But don’t get it backwards

I’m still a fun chick