Insult to Injury

How hard is it to understand that mental health problems don’t present in isolated events? That they bleed into each other and require recovery? That expecting me to do the tasks I normally fulfil is like asking someone who’s broken their leg to walk a marathon and god forbid they wear a cast.

It’s not that I don’t try, oh don’t I try, but willpower only gets you so far when you already have to drain it to not curl up in a ball and cry or hurt someone. Even verbalising my intent remains difficult because my brain is basically installing windows updates, but still, it gets some stuff done.

Focusing, even on stuff I enjoy, becomes exhausting. I’m in the permanent dilemma between ‘I’m too nauseous to eat’ and ‘I’m so hungry/Want food things’ and ‘No way I’m moving my ass from where I am right now’.


un-healthy coping mechnisms

I’ve been sick and obviously, I wanted to get better quickly, but I also didn’t. I wanted to remain sick so that I’d have an excuse to do nothing. I wanted to get better so I could get on with things. I’m so tired. I keep pushing myself and soon enough I’ll have to run a marathon’s worth of pushing myself and then there’s no more calling it quits whenever. I am not an endurance runner. More than anything I want to do nothing tomorrow, but I know that’s a bad idea. I feel like I’m not grieving enough/right and I’ve set up a likely trigger. Repressing has proved to be a shitty way to deal after all.

Crazy Painscale

I’m struggling with how I’m dealing with my grief; despite how horrible it is I still feel a thousand times better than when I was in my exam year… And that feels wrong. If I had to rate 0-10 it would probably be about a 6 or a 7? Whereas exam year was definitely an 11. I’m not saying I’m not hurting or that I didn’t love her, but with everything I’ve been through my standards are just so extreme. The fact that I even feel anything at all surprised me as a good sign. I’ve been numb so long, I thought I no longer had a shot at a normal emotional (reactionary) range. A sick twisted part of me still calls this whole thing Karma, telling me I have no right to the good things I’ve been experiencing. A naive innocent part of me still hasn’t fully accepted it, it expects to see her again. Once again I’m torn between myself but in a new somehow crueller way. Can’t I ever catch a break?

Hole-y days

I hate how everything slows around Christmas; No new episodes for my tv shows, no new manga, no new nothing. Nothing for those of us who will need an escape on these days. Some of us who have Monday the 25th, Tuesday the 26th, and Sunday the 31st. We’re here trying not to think of all the reasons why to us they’re just more days of the week while we have no content for distraction and a steady stream of people boasting about their parties and celebrations who are getting along with their whole(some) family.

Today is Monday, but enjoy your Christmas.

Don’t call me

I don’t go anywhere without my phone anymore. I panic when it’s not there. Even if I just go downstairs for a couple minutes to grab a drink. I have to have it. It’s not about the device itself, I’m not addicted. I need to have it when I get called. If I leave the house I bring a power bank. I can’t run out of battery. I have to be reachable for when it’s happened.

We all do this. If we leave, we all make sure it is known whether we have our phone and if not how we can be reached. It makes work agonizing. Hours of not being able to check if I missed a call or text, because it’s rude. Evening shifts are the bane of my existence, despite being the easiest. I am the sole responsible person then. I can’t just leave.

Anytime my phone rings I am afraid to answer. People rarely call me, I have calling anxiety. It only makes this all worse. And when it’s someone who can’t be bearing the news I feel a flash of anger that they’re calling. I’m expecting a phone call and they’re keeping my line busy. They scared me. But usually, they meant well.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I just need to get it out. Ironic that I can pull of short sentences when it’s about me. It correlates to my attention span right now. I keep looking for distractions because I need a break from my thoughts, but nothing works for long. Games still work, but I get so into it that time disappears so unless I’ve got a lot of time I don’t go there. I’m so tired of acting responsible and mature. I’m also tried from my fucked up sleeping schedule and crazy dreams. All my symptoms are coming back. I wonder if this time I will get to experience what it’s like to get support throughout this? Friends and family are already being much more considered this time. Why is this any different? Why is being sad about hurting over grief more valid than being sad over hurting?

I don’t want cheerful songs right now. It’s better to fill the painful silence with songs that match my mood. It’s less confronting.

I tried to start writing the poem for the ceremony. It’s been years since I wrote a poem in Dutch, but it’d feel wrong in English. I made some progress, but then I broke down. I will always carry her with me in the tattoo on my skin, the necklace around my neck, and the memories in my head.

The world keeps moving on. It’ll be Christmas soon and I’m not excited. Not in the same bitter way I’m used to. More like it’s sneaking up on me, another mandatory box to tick at this time of year. We haven’t planned anything. I don’t even want to, it feels wrong. Last year I decided to come home after all for Christmas, because it could be her last en now it really might be. The last one she was fully aware anyway…

I’m supposed to find a birthday present for a friend whose party I may or may not be attending. I want to. But it’s hard enough to get out of bed. I don’t even know what will happen in an hour, let alone in a week.

My eyes keep wrongly adjusting to the light, almost like a literal tunnel vision. I can even feel the expressionlessness of my face. I feel numb except for this heaviness all over.

Now my fingers no longer fly over the keyboard, I guess that means it’s time to stop.