I has a sad

It wasn’t a very special moment, I was just watching anime and reading fanfic, yet suddenly it all started to process. I started crying, slow, silent, hesitant. I quickly realised it wouldn’t stop there and got into the shower, I had to anyone, I told myself. With my head under the warm water the dam burst. Snotting and coughing and crying fast enough to match the downpour of the shower. It must have looked really ugly and sounded like someone was dying, but I needed it. I kept turning up the warmth until it still felt a little hot when I remained under it. I pushed aside my fear of getting water up my nose and let it run down my face. That fact that it drowned out most noises was the best part.

I was out of breath by the time I’d thrown most of my cropped of emotions out. Most? More like enough. If I wanted to let it all out I’d have to scream and destroy and exhaust myself through more physical measure. At a certain point, I was just crying to cry, not because of the things that made me anxious, angry, afraid or even disappointed.

Eventually, I got up like someone very uncertain of their stability and washed my hair. When that was all done I turned the water temperature as low as our shower goes, which is close to my normal temperature, and it was definitely a shock to my system but I felt like a lot of stuff literally washed off me.

Got out dryed off without caring what style my hair would be in and put on a baggy sweater and sweatpants. Didn’t even bother with contacts and grabbed my glasses instead. So now I look like I’ve gotten to the point in studying where you don’t care about your apppearance anymore while in reality my escapes ran out and things came crashing down. Maybe I can actually get some studying done again, huh.

The reason I can’t work at home is because when there’s no one to pretend for, everything comes crashing down and the ‘real me’ breaks in weakness.

I brought in my pass-out-drunk friend and proceeded to talk about drinking and other drugs the day after. Anything to escape the stress, to forget if even for a little. I never understood addicts until this last year, no, until I moved. Me and my best friend have even set up a plan to eat special brownies and all we lack is a place to eat. I’m surrounded by drugs and other damaging outs, can you blame me for wanting to give in? It doesn’t help that I don’t get hangovers, it takes a lot for me to get drunk, and I’m easily tipsy. So many years I’ve said no, taken “the high road”, I’ve changed so much…

I hate the times when my mind goes into overdrive and I want a couple dozen contradictive things. Like now I want to shout, cry, punch something anything, call the person I like, drink myself into oblivion, go to sleep, kiss someone, drag a blade across my skin, look at the stars, read, imagine the future, escape the loneliness, write, colour, eat until I throw up,  work out, do nothing, run away, remember the past, be alone, and for this all to end.

00:45

Tonight, though a little uncommon but not entirely unusual, I spent my evening online listening to music and doing whatever my short attention span could focus on. I would sometimes tear my eyes from the screen and look up at the stars, letting my thoughts run wild after having been reeled in for the majority of the day. As usual, I stumbled across negativity, but unlike most days I closed my tab and basked in my surprisingly good mood. Why shouldn’t I? After all, it’s a rare event.

It’s so much easier to take shit when you’re not already feeling like shit.

Today was a good day, not perfect but pretty damn awesome to my standards.

I probably won’t ever tell you, but I love you. Not romantically, not platonically, it’s something calm and beautiful instead, different entirely from anything I’ve felt before. You gave me something I didn’t know I needed, something that drowned out my inner loneliness and shed a light on what I’m worth.