It’s like a sneeze that doesn’t come, you feel it coming and prepare only to be a weird mix of relieved and disappointed. That’s how I feel about this victory over the impending breakdown that didn’t come to be. For once I’m not the victim but rather the victor and it’s weird. I knew I was making progress in beating habits and fighting the cause of my issues, but I never guessed I was this strong. It’s highly encouraging.

I’ve been fighting this war with myself for many years and there were only ever losers. This is the first won battle. This can change the tide of the war. All because of the groundwork I’ve painstakingly slowly been laying even without support and more recently with people to catch me in case I fall. The most important person, of course, is the one that allowed for me to choose this growth for myself, who would’ve never pushed or steered. They’re not the reason for the change, but they are the reason why it’s been possible to grow so much faster and I’m grateful.

It might be safe to conserve the carefully crafted balance which upheld all the toxicity and opposing coping mechanisms, but I strive to be healthy. To do things without wasting half my energy fighting myself.

I’ve moved on from acting in self-defence. My pacifism was only holding me back. I will win.


Frenzy before the storm

I’m going to crash soon, I can feel it coming. It’s never quiet before I do, in fact, the same old problems resurface and start spitting venom again. I’m trying not to listen and so far I’ve mostly been fine, but it’s exhausting and hinders anything else I try to do. Sometimes I wonder if it’s better to not fight it. Would it lead to smaller crashes that still leave me able to do things? Or do I need a major crash so that I can be free of everything for a while? There’s still so much about myself I’ve to learn. I always used to do things one way as it was all I knew and now… now I’m starting to question things. Why are they the way they are? Why do I react like I do? How does that affect everything? How can I make it easier on my environment? How can they make it easier for me?

I wish I was more stable. Riding these mood & hormone swings is anything but fun.

Nothing ever goes according to plan.

I can feel the personality tear clear as day, my thoughts jump around, contrast, and conflict. My actions confuse people and the wrong truths bleed through my mask. I find myself arguing with this “other side” or referring to me and it as we, which tbh isn’t new.

I’m so tired of being my own worst enemy. I can’t even begin to imagine what I’m capable of if I wasn’t held back by all this. And people already think I’m smart :’). Okay, that’s a little conceited.

So much of what I mention here is enough to have people declare me insane, in need of medical attention. I hide, but that only makes it harder. I’m not as high function as I make people believe.

Ugh, if only the conditions for me to work efficiently weren’t so specific and at times random.

Insult to Injury

How hard is it to understand that mental health problems don’t present in isolated events? That they bleed into each other and require recovery? That expecting me to do the tasks I normally fulfil is like asking someone who’s broken their leg to walk a marathon and god forbid they wear a cast.

It’s not that I don’t try, oh don’t I try, but willpower only gets you so far when you already have to drain it to not curl up in a ball and cry or hurt someone. Even verbalising my intent remains difficult because my brain is basically installing windows updates, but still, it gets some stuff done.

Focusing, even on stuff I enjoy, becomes exhausting. I’m in the permanent dilemma between ‘I’m too nauseous to eat’ and ‘I’m so hungry/Want food things’ and ‘No way I’m moving my ass from where I am right now’.

un-healthy coping mechnisms

I’ve been sick and obviously, I wanted to get better quickly, but I also didn’t. I wanted to remain sick so that I’d have an excuse to do nothing. I wanted to get better so I could get on with things. I’m so tired. I keep pushing myself and soon enough I’ll have to run a marathon’s worth of pushing myself and then there’s no more calling it quits whenever. I am not an endurance runner. More than anything I want to do nothing tomorrow, but I know that’s a bad idea. I feel like I’m not grieving enough/right and I’ve set up a likely trigger. Repressing has proved to be a shitty way to deal after all.

Crazy Painscale

I’m struggling with how I’m dealing with my grief; despite how horrible it is I still feel a thousand times better than when I was in my exam year… And that feels wrong. If I had to rate 0-10 it would probably be about a 6 or a 7? Whereas exam year was definitely an 11. I’m not saying I’m not hurting or that I didn’t love her, but with everything I’ve been through my standards are just so extreme. The fact that I even feel anything at all surprised me as a good sign. I’ve been numb so long, I thought I no longer had a shot at a normal emotional (reactionary) range. A sick twisted part of me still calls this whole thing Karma, telling me I have no right to the good things I’ve been experiencing. A naive innocent part of me still hasn’t fully accepted it, it expects to see her again. Once again I’m torn between myself but in a new somehow crueller way. Can’t I ever catch a break?