And then they smiled, all tension dropping from their ever serious face, the infamous sparkle bright in their eyes. The magic lasted but a second as the corners of their mouth drooped lower than they were before, shame and defeat darkening their eyes, all evil of the day rushing through their mind at once. Tears threatened to roll down their cheeks and they swallowed hard. They noticed me staring and gave me a shaky smile that didn’t reach their eyes, eyes that were silently begging me not to say a word. I obliged, hoping that one day these fleeting moments of their beauty would turn to hours, to days. If anything, they deserved the happiness they inspired in me. They were my flicker of light in a place of darkness and demons.
Dimly lit by light of her screen, hair tucked behind her ears and wrapped tightly in her blanket. Her pale face without a trace of the enthusiasm she shows her world. Headphones in, but no music plays. There’s nothing but silence surrounding her. Gritting her teeth and occasionally biting her lip she tries to make sense of her thoughts and feelings.
The dark circles under her red swollen eyes betray more than she wants to tell. With her mask off and no one around she breaks. Everything that had been building up that day, no even from before, comes flooding out. She wants to scream out for help or… say what she knows to be true. She fiddles with her accessories and occasionally touches her wrists.
She’s cold, lonely, numb. I shouldn’t bother others with my feelings, she says to herself. She feels worthless, a failure. It will get better she repeats over and over, but she can’t convince herself. She closes her eyes and sighs, the temporary relief gives way to crack of smile. It’s quickly put down by memories that make her cringe.
“Ugh, I’m so stupid.”, “I shouldn’t have done that.”, “What will they think of me.”, “No wonder I’m alone.”, these are the things that shout trough her mind whenever she recalls her “regrets”. All she really wants is to relive them, they’re happy memories after all. She longs for them so much it hurts.
She shifts around and lies down staring at her phone, lost for what to do. She has to write off her feelings, but not in a way where people will know what’s going on. That would be a disaster. Going past all her social medias she finds none that fits and instead almost automatically checks her apps. Sifting trough her subscriptions only watching for a minute before clicking the next video. She’s looking for something to entertain her, to grab her, though she doesn’t know what.
It’s not like she has nothing to do, in fact there are plenty unfinished tasks that reach their deadline soon. Meanwhile she tries to escape herself and the world around her. Reading, writing, watching something, anything to keep from overthinking. Toxic to herself this has become her routine. Numbly repeating the same useless activities, clasping desperately to her sanity by walking on the edge of reality. While others compliment her strength she colapses all alone.
Silence can be a razor sharp blade…
Foolish little heart, have you no sense of what is wise?
Did you ever consider the consequences, the price?
Have you forgotten what you’ve put us trough?
How will I know my feelings to be true
When you can’t make a simple choice
As to whom we want to hold close
Nay, we know don’t we?
With whom we wish to be
You’d known all along
Twas I who was wrong
Seems we’re both the fool
For whom we love is cruel
Extraordinary in being and taste
Making talent go to waste
Chasing what I’ll never have
Forever beyond my grasp
I’ve gotten used to the pain
The pattern remains the same
Seems as though when I walk your path
I face the thorn of misfortune’s wrath
I’ve found no joy within love
Due to all the loath
Received from those that said
They’d love me till they’re dead
For what reason do I remain loyal
To one whom chaos will follow
How does thou lure time and time again
Back into the devils den?
It’s not my pain the bothers me
But that of others, set them free
Hurt me all you need
Spare them this deed
Of them I am unworthy
So why should they love me
We are to suffer alone
Tis what we’ve always done
I’ve been keeping something secret from you, actually a lot of things. Were it crippling anxiety, fear of rejection or something of which I’m still unaware? Now I’ll tell you everything I never said.
Any food you make is delicious even when it isn’t
I always hate leaving you even if we’ll see each other tomorrow
I can’t count how often I’ve thought of waking up to your lovely sleepy face
I can’t seem to stop thinking about you I do it all the time
I can’t sleep without missing the feeling of your arms around me
I cling to the sweet things you told me when I’m feeling down
I feel sad when I can’t see your smile
I get jealous when I hear others talk about you
I may or may not have stared at you… a lot
I miss the taste of your lips I bet you don’t
I never seem to find the courage to make a move towards you
I often beat myself up over things I should have and things I shouldn’t have done around you
I remember every word you said, every move you made
I want to hold your hand just a little longer and never let go
I want to ruffle your hair and you mine
I want to steal one of your sweaters just to take a little bit of you wherever I go
I’ll have to leave you someday and I hope it never comes
I’ll lie, get in trouble or miss out on something important to me just to be there for you
I’m always looking forward to the next time I see you
I’m glad that I met you
I’ve dropped so many hints and still you seem oblivious
I’ve thought of so many what ifs
I’ve wanted you to caress my cheek for the longest time
I’ve wanted you to hold me tighter
If the whole world wanted me to be theirs I’d still be chasing you
It hurts that you’re always just out of reach
My “jokes” about us being together really hurt
Oh your smile makes me melt
You can call me with a problem and I’ll drop everything I was doing
You can change my mood in a split second
You make me burn up in the cold of winter and freeze in the hot of summer
You’ve changed me in ways I could never imagine
You’re the only one I ever tell how I really feel well not about you
Your messages bring more joy than any other’s
I know you’re broken and imperfect but that doesn’t stop me from… loving you
I love you
“Because everything you’ve believed to be true is a blatant lie.”
What do you mean? Of course my parents are my parents. I’m definitely Human. This is not a dream, how can it be? If I’m dead how do you explain my pain, my thoughts and feelings? You’ve got to be joking. Is this some kind of prank? It’s not funny. Stop fucking with me. You’re a filthy liar! This can’t be! I mean how can everything be a lie? Even all my memories? Will I ever be able to return to this “lie”? Why did you have to tell me this? I was fine where I was. It wasn’t exactly a happy lie but this feels so hollow. My whole world has collapsed. Everyone I cared about, everything I was going to do... It’s really true? All of it? No way… how could I have never noticed? So what happens now? What is true? Who am I? What am I? Where are we?
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
5 Stages of loss, but what if it really did turn out that all you believed wasn’t true? That the world as you knew it was a farce? That there were higher evil powers at play? Could you handle the sheer devastation of your wasted effort? Would you be able to accept the new truth or desperately try to get back to what you knew and pretend you never learned “the truth”?
I know my curiosity’d get the better of me and try to learn of this truth and piece by piece lose my connecting to the comfortable lie I knew. If everything was a lie anyway there’s no reason to stick to it. At least I hope I’ll be able to let go like that, I already struggle with letting go of my past as it is. Beyond any reason why I lived a lie I’d want to know how on earth it was maintained. Besides will I wake up in a machine or something or am I not going anywhere?
I suppose the closest feeling i’ll ever get is after finishing a good anime or book and you just don’t know what to with your life anymore. When everything seems so meaningless and you ponder your existence. What if I was just a character in a very complex book? What is reality?
Maybe that’s just me though, hehe.