Hole-y days

I hate how everything slows around Christmas; No new episodes for my tv shows, no new manga, no new nothing. Nothing for those of us who will need an escape on these days. Some of us who have Monday the 25th, Tuesday the 26th, and Sunday the 31st. We’re here trying not to think of all the reasons why to us they’re just more days of the week while we have no content for distraction and a steady stream of people boasting about their parties and celebrations who are getting along with their whole(some) family.

Today is Monday, but enjoy your Christmas.


Don’t call me

I don’t go anywhere without my phone anymore. I panic when it’s not there. Even if I just go downstairs for a couple minutes to grab a drink. I have to have it. It’s not about the device itself, I’m not addicted. I need to have it when I get called. If I leave the house I bring a power bank. I can’t run out of battery. I have to be reachable for when it’s happened.

We all do this. If we leave, we all make sure it is known whether we have our phone and if not how we can be reached. It makes work agonizing. Hours of not being able to check if I missed a call or text, because it’s rude. Evening shifts are the bane of my existence, despite being the easiest. I am the sole responsible person then. I can’t just leave.

Anytime my phone rings I am afraid to answer. People rarely call me, I have calling anxiety. It only makes this all worse. And when it’s someone who can’t be bearing the news I feel a flash of anger that they’re calling. I’m expecting a phone call and they’re keeping my line busy. They scared me. But usually, they meant well.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I just need to get it out. Ironic that I can pull of short sentences when it’s about me. It correlates to my attention span right now. I keep looking for distractions because I need a break from my thoughts, but nothing works for long. Games still work, but I get so into it that time disappears so unless I’ve got a lot of time I don’t go there. I’m so tired of acting responsible and mature. I’m also tried from my fucked up sleeping schedule and crazy dreams. All my symptoms are coming back. I wonder if this time I will get to experience what it’s like to get support throughout this? Friends and family are already being much more considered this time. Why is this any different? Why is being sad about hurting over grief more valid than being sad over hurting?

I don’t want cheerful songs right now. It’s better to fill the painful silence with songs that match my mood. It’s less confronting.

I tried to start writing the poem for the ceremony. It’s been years since I wrote a poem in Dutch, but it’d feel wrong in English. I made some progress, but then I broke down. I will always carry her with me in the tattoo on my skin, the necklace around my neck, and the memories in my head.

The world keeps moving on. It’ll be Christmas soon and I’m not excited. Not in the same bitter way I’m used to. More like it’s sneaking up on me, another mandatory box to tick at this time of year. We haven’t planned anything. I don’t even want to, it feels wrong. Last year I decided to come home after all for Christmas, because it could be her last en now it really might be. The last one she was fully aware anyway…

I’m supposed to find a birthday present for a friend whose party I may or may not be attending. I want to. But it’s hard enough to get out of bed. I don’t even know what will happen in an hour, let alone in a week.

My eyes keep wrongly adjusting to the light, almost like a literal tunnel vision. I can even feel the expressionlessness of my face. I feel numb except for this heaviness all over.

Now my fingers no longer fly over the keyboard, I guess that means it’s time to stop.

No news was good news

I guess I was hungry, I mean, that’s the logical explanation as to why I scarved down that burger in record time. Logic, it’s definitely not something that’s controlling my actions right now. In fact, it took forever before I was prepared to venture out and find food, because the mere thought of eating made me nauseous. I went anyway, because my body needs it. Breakfast, lunch, a piece of fruit, dinner. Just ticking off a checklist. I’m so mentally exhausted,  which eventually transfers physically. I still have fries. I’m unsure if I should eat them considering my senses are telling me confusing things. Maybe I should listen to logic again and eat them, because otherwise it’s money wasted. The balance between emotions and logic is once again disturbed by one little fact.

Yesterday I wanted to destroy like the news destroyed me

Today I’m tired of fighting

What will tomorrow bring?

I has a sad

It wasn’t a very special moment, I was just watching anime and reading fanfic, yet suddenly it all started to process. I started crying, slow, silent, hesitant. I quickly realised it wouldn’t stop there and got into the shower, I had to anyone, I told myself. With my head under the warm water the dam burst. Snotting and coughing and crying fast enough to match the downpour of the shower. It must have looked really ugly and sounded like someone was dying, but I needed it. I kept turning up the warmth until it still felt a little hot when I remained under it. I pushed aside my fear of getting water up my nose and let it run down my face. That fact that it drowned out most noises was the best part.

I was out of breath by the time I’d thrown most of my cropped of emotions out. Most? More like enough. If I wanted to let it all out I’d have to scream and destroy and exhaust myself through more physical measure. At a certain point, I was just crying to cry, not because of the things that made me anxious, angry, afraid or even disappointed.

Eventually, I got up like someone very uncertain of their stability and washed my hair. When that was all done I turned the water temperature as low as our shower goes, which is close to my normal temperature, and it was definitely a shock to my system but I felt like a lot of stuff literally washed off me.

Got out dryed off without caring what style my hair would be in and put on a baggy sweater and sweatpants. Didn’t even bother with contacts and grabbed my glasses instead. So now I look like I’ve gotten to the point in studying where you don’t care about your apppearance anymore while in reality my escapes ran out and things came crashing down. Maybe I can actually get some studying done again, huh.