It’s like a sneeze that doesn’t come, you feel it coming and prepare only to be a weird mix of relieved and disappointed. That’s how I feel about this victory over the impending breakdown that didn’t come to be. For once I’m not the victim but rather the victor and it’s weird. I knew I was making progress in beating habits and fighting the cause of my issues, but I never guessed I was this strong. It’s highly encouraging.

I’ve been fighting this war with myself for many years and there were only ever losers. This is the first won battle. This can change the tide of the war. All because of the groundwork I’ve painstakingly slowly been laying even without support and more recently with people to catch me in case I fall. The most important person, of course, is the one that allowed for me to choose this growth for myself, who would’ve never pushed or steered. They’re not the reason for the change, but they are the reason why it’s been possible to grow so much faster and I’m grateful.

It might be safe to conserve the carefully crafted balance which upheld all the toxicity and opposing coping mechanisms, but I strive to be healthy. To do things without wasting half my energy fighting myself.

I’ve moved on from acting in self-defence. My pacifism was only holding me back. I will win.


Frenzy before the storm

I’m going to crash soon, I can feel it coming. It’s never quiet before I do, in fact, the same old problems resurface and start spitting venom again. I’m trying not to listen and so far I’ve mostly been fine, but it’s exhausting and hinders anything else I try to do. Sometimes I wonder if it’s better to not fight it. Would it lead to smaller crashes that still leave me able to do things? Or do I need a major crash so that I can be free of everything for a while? There’s still so much about myself I’ve to learn. I always used to do things one way as it was all I knew and now… now I’m starting to question things. Why are they the way they are? Why do I react like I do? How does that affect everything? How can I make it easier on my environment? How can they make it easier for me?

I wish I was more stable. Riding these mood & hormone swings is anything but fun.

Nothing ever goes according to plan.

I can feel the personality tear clear as day, my thoughts jump around, contrast, and conflict. My actions confuse people and the wrong truths bleed through my mask. I find myself arguing with this “other side” or referring to me and it as we, which tbh isn’t new.

I’m so tired of being my own worst enemy. I can’t even begin to imagine what I’m capable of if I wasn’t held back by all this. And people already think I’m smart :’). Okay, that’s a little conceited.

So much of what I mention here is enough to have people declare me insane, in need of medical attention. I hide, but that only makes it harder. I’m not as high function as I make people believe.

Ugh, if only the conditions for me to work efficiently weren’t so specific and at times random.

No news was good news

I guess I was hungry, I mean, that’s the logical explanation as to why I scarved down that burger in record time. Logic, it’s definitely not something that’s controlling my actions right now. In fact, it took forever before I was prepared to venture out and find food, because the mere thought of eating made me nauseous. I went anyway, because my body needs it. Breakfast, lunch, a piece of fruit, dinner. Just ticking off a checklist. I’m so mentally exhausted,  which eventually transfers physically. I still have fries. I’m unsure if I should eat them considering my senses are telling me confusing things. Maybe I should listen to logic again and eat them, because otherwise it’s money wasted. The balance between emotions and logic is once again disturbed by one little fact.

Yesterday I wanted to destroy like the news destroyed me

Today I’m tired of fighting

What will tomorrow bring?

Relapse, Breakdown

It can be anything; a word, a phrase, a look, an event, even a thought can trigger it. Months of building confidence, picking up my broken pieces and catching up on things I pushed aside to save myself. Loads of work left to be unfinished, promises soon to be broken, people ignored and offended. All because of one little thing that flipped the switch, or maybe lots of little things. It just becomes too much.

Salt on my tongue, heat on my knuckles, cold in my bones, sour is my stomach and empty the silence. I know I’m crying, but I don’t feel it. I punched the wall until I bled, yet there’s no pain. It’s spring and the weather’s mild while I’m shivering from the cold. I’m healthy though my burning throat suggests otherwise. I feel numb, with my heart ripped out of my chest. Disconnected from reality and time as feelings take control. Not this again.