It’s like a sneeze that doesn’t come, you feel it coming and prepare only to be a weird mix of relieved and disappointed. That’s how I feel about this victory over the impending breakdown that didn’t come to be. For once I’m not the victim but rather the victor and it’s weird. I knew I was making progress in beating habits and fighting the cause of my issues, but I never guessed I was this strong. It’s highly encouraging.
I’ve been fighting this war with myself for many years and there were only ever losers. This is the first won battle. This can change the tide of the war. All because of the groundwork I’ve painstakingly slowly been laying even without support and more recently with people to catch me in case I fall. The most important person, of course, is the one that allowed for me to choose this growth for myself, who would’ve never pushed or steered. They’re not the reason for the change, but they are the reason why it’s been possible to grow so much faster and I’m grateful.
It might be safe to conserve the carefully crafted balance which upheld all the toxicity and opposing coping mechanisms, but I strive to be healthy. To do things without wasting half my energy fighting myself.
I’ve moved on from acting in self-defence. My pacifism was only holding me back. I will win.