A little victory

Today the decision for change school program have been finalised and I’m so happy (a rare thing) and I will celebrate soon with a visit to a nearby sushi place with my best friend (and my mom :/).

Here’s the situation:
I started IB (International Baceloreate) CP (certificate program) this year, it is a practical-academic program aimed to get you into apprenticeships. Last year I started IB DP (diploma program) usually just known as IB, it’s recognised around the world and super academic. However it was too stressfull and I was underprepared after IGCSE (International Genreal certificate of Secondary Education) which was easy.
I quickly discovered that CP was below my level and the class was people that didn’t fit into DP and I wished to change. School wasn’t too thrilled and made me wait 2 weeks filled with ridiculous reasons before finally saying yes today!

I will join DP tomorrow and follow it for the coming 2 years to get my diploma, after that I wish to travel the world and study… something. It’s a big change and not many would make it but I felt so strongly about it I was prepared to go trough the stress of changing. This is proof that not giving up can really get you what you want (sometimes)

Anyway… I just wanted to let out this happy message and this fitting poem

Same same, but different
Finally they listened
Back to what I know
Feels like coming home

For now I celebrate
Though a little late
Work will have to be done
But for now let’s have some fun

This time I’ll win
Now I can begin
IB Diploma is my goal
Now I’ll give my all

A certain someone couldn’t think of a title…

I am picky and I know it, I’ve learned to live with it (to a certain extent) and people know me for it. Some things I’m a bit extreme while others fall within “normal” margins.

For example Food can’t

Look weird
Have little bits
Smell strongly (in a bad way)
Be bland
Be chewy
Be too crunchy
Be too healthy
Be bugs or the such
Be vegetarian

For almost everything I have such a list but there is one thing where I’m less picky than most people: Dating and the such, in fact there’s only 2 requirements

  1. Person must like me (crush or more)
  2. Can’t be an asshole

Now you’d think that wouldn’t be so hard but still I remain forever single. I have been on dates and I’ve had one super awkward first kiss that to this day makes me cringe, but I’ve never been in a relationship (unless my cat counts). The problem is actually not reason 2 but in fact reason 1, I only know two guys that meet criteria 1 and one of em does not match number 2. That means one guy matches both requirements?! Yes, but it’s a little more complicated coming from his side, so it didn’t work.

Now you might think I need to raise my standards but I think they’re very reasonable since so far one person has been able to meet them. Honestly if someone had the guts to ask me out (for whatever reason) I’d say yes, it must have taken so much courage to ask, who would I be not to give this person a chance? Besides you’re supposed to do fun things on a date, so even if the person sucks you can still enjoy your time doing whatever it is you’ve been invited to.

Darkness

I’ve been dead for 8 years, that’s how I usually explain dealing with the thoughts of suicide. When you’re prepared to give up on life can you really say you’re still living? For me it started at the shocking age of 8 years old, now I haven’t a clue how on earth I would have offed myself had I gone trough with it but nonetheless this darkness has never left me. I have certainly grown up and gotten stronger but the battle remains and in this time of turmoil the writer in me can’t help but jot things down during some of my best and worst moment so what the rest of this post holds is anything but happy poems and stories about rainbows and unicorns. Read at your own risk and remember, I’m still here so don’t do what I couldn’t.


I wish to do die, or so I say 9 years after I first thought so. I’m still here, life hasn’t gotten better. In fact it has gotten worse. I often wonder why I can’t give up and follow the one thing I’ve been most certain of my entire life. Hope? Such a fragile thing has long faded. Love? Only my cat holds it for me while I have plenty for others. I’m always putting others before myself, I’m not necessarily kind though. It keeps me busy and feel a lot less useless. In fact most often I see people as opportunities and could adapt to make friends with almost anyone. I don’t know who I am and why I’m still going.

Nobody really knows who I am and no one can save me. I’m a lost cause, yet I can’t escape yet. I’m fighting my fate, myself and plenty more. “I don’t want all my suffering to have been for nothing. It shouldn’t be all I knew.” My reason for living, I couldn’t find anything better. The world will go on without me though some might fall after me that won’t be able to bother me when I’m gone. Still something keeps resisting keeping me in this hell. They say suicide sends you to hell but I’ve got the feeling that place isn’t half as bad as what I’m going through right now.

I fake a smile and say I’m fine. I don’t even know why, but it hurts that no one has come up and called me on bluff. No one has tried to save me, I’m on my own. Together alone. How mannieth time is this that I’ve hit rock bottom, 5th? 6th? Sigh, why bother thinking of reasons to keep me here? Even a stupid to do list… But I really do want to do those things but I also really want this shit to be over.

“You say you wish to die, but in reality you just want to be saved.” “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” What if there’s nothing worth saving? What if problems aren’t temporary and those that are get solved only to give way to more? I could jump out of the window right now, I live on the 5th floor, but… always buts… always indecisive. Total opposites, 2 voices never giving me a rest. So many decisions, never a right answer.

I don’t even remember what being happy is like, I get paranoid when I’m on a lucky streak, insomnia and hallucinations are usual occurrences. So many disorders it’s hard to distinguish them and who’s causing what. Always exhausted, never good enough. Pessimist, an optimist who’s been disappointed too often. From stories I’ve heard that I was a happy kid once upon a time. It’s been so long since I’ve gone wrong. I might seem innocent and weak but I have a dark side I don’t like showing, how else have I survived so long. I can count the times I’ve been angry, not pissed, really angry. That’s when all the swallowed words and beard pain breaks free. The results were never pretty.

If people that claim to know me ever read this they’d probably be shocked, we all have our secrets but mine are very very dark. Some know I imagine pretty scenarios and happy endings but I also imagine killing myself or others or at least letting them feel something close to my pain. They might try to save me but then it’d be to late, I’m already far gone. Even if I live even the part fighting to stay alive agrees I don’t want to grow old, it’s just a matter of time. Still I’d prefer if I was killed or something, matter of honour and it’d take the decision away from me.

For now I’ll focus on completing my to do list, some entries are very childish but whatever. One might take a very long time and I’m not sure if I can complete it. Then there are things I want to say to certain people, I can only do that on the last day I guess. Will I leave a note? Do I want to be buried? How can I kill myself in a way that my organs can still be donated? Man I’ve never really sorted those things out, huh.


Caught in war 

Why am I always torn

Why can I never choose

After years I’m all worn

I think I’m soon to lose

A war without a victor

And nothing to be gained

With all I’ve been trough

It has only earned me pain

Still I cling to wishes

It’s what gets me out of bed

But in fact the truth is

They only created chaos in my head

Stalked by nightmares

Lost in dreams

It leaves me scared

I wish I could scream

I don’t remember happiness

I’m paranoid when I’m in luck

Innocence is a long gone bliss

I pretend not to give a fuck

But I do care

I still feel

Even though I’m scared

I want theses wounds to heal

Fantasy is my escape

Writing my way to vent

Loneliness something I crave

Food a main event

Socially awkward

A clumsy romantic

But don’t get it backwards

I’m still a fun chick

Popular

Today It was my turn to order when this girl which is in my year comes to me and is like: Could you order for me? It was on of the more popular girls, I didn’t even know her name so I just told her to go wait in line. Later when I was eating what I ordered I hear her talking about what i did, she probably didn’t notice I was there ( I was on a nearby table with my friends) and I was thinking: I might have just fucked up my chance to become popular, yay!

What happy? Yeah! I don’t want to be popular, I want people to know me because they like me or because I’m nice. Popular girls usually don’t get far in life after school because they’re always told they are fine this way and don’t push themselves to become better. I’ve never felt what it’s like to be popular though, but I do know that I’m more popular here then I was in Holland even tough the ”new girl” factor is also involved.

I wonder what I’ll be later, what will I study? What will my job be? Where will I live? I have no idea right now but it might come over the years, it’s just so stupid they already make you choose subjects at such a young age, like I know what I want to be?!

What do you want to be later? x Anouk