I had an idea

I had an idea and it left me
Left me all alone
Just when I thought I’d use it
Now it is long gone
Left without inspiration
Or anything to write
How could it do this
In the middle of the night

I didn’t notice it sneak away
I should have cherished it
Perhaps my lack of attention
Has made to perish it
It felt unworthy
Just up and left
It sprang a new idea
It got me writing
It’s what you read
Which had found me

Ripple

Hmm? A sensation emanates from somewhere. I must have imagined it. It comes again, disturbing the emptiness. I feel something burning, it gets stronger. Leave me alone, let me go back to before the pain. Relentlessly it bothers me. The pain in my lungs and head increase. Wait, head? Lungs? The pain spread from those 2 central points until I feel… my body? My head feels like it’s about to explode and I move my hands from my knees and place them across my ears trying to reduce the pressure.

Where am I? Why does it hurt? Once again the sensation, like a ripple coming from above. I open my eyes as my senses awaken trying to locate the source. I look above and see a girl submerged in water cradling her knees, eyes closed. She slowly seems to awaken, pressed her palms against her head and then looks straight back at me. She stretches out towards me and I mirror her. My arm alone isn’t long enough so I get onto my knees despite protest from sore muscles.

We inch closer and closer until our fingers touch. I am flooded with images of the girl. Her childhood, how she was lost to darkness, how she fell in this pit, how she couldn’t find an exit, how the water rose and nearly drowned her, her giving up and sinking to the bottom ready to disappear into nothingness. Then my fingers breach the surface and the girl fades. I stand up and as my head surfaces I take a deep breath, that feels good. The pain lessens, my mind starts to clear.

I cough up a fluid streaked red… blood. The water suddenly feels strangely cold and I try to see the end to this basin of water but my eyes only see darkness. Hadn’t it been fuller? What had it really been that disturbed the quiet? how did it get in? Is there a way out? I just start wading in a random direction, hoping to find a change.

After an eternity of walking I’ve achieved nothing, this place seems to have no end. Yet the water is now lower than it was before, where it had come to my shoulders earlier it now lurks at hip level. My hair has dried and my lungs and head are no longer painful but my muscles still protest my every move. I decide to rest for a bit, it might earn me some relief.

The memories seem like those of a different person, I don’t feel connected to them whatsoever. People I used to know are just faces with names, events that happened seem like movies with someone else playing the lead and feelings seemed to have dissolved like sugar in water.

I wake up with my throat aching, my muscles still sore and my body feeling heavy. The water is barely up to my ankles now. Water… I scoop some up with my hands and drink. It’s salty, the taste is familiar. The weight of the loneliness is starting to crush me and I feel tears rolling down my cheeks. I accidentally swallow some as I wail. It tastes the same as the water I’d scooped up…

Depressing header here

The art of lying

“Now tell me what you see.”

A vicious monster with a smile full of razor-sharp teeth, glowing eyes and horns on its head. His tail is like a dinosaur and his 6 limbs are big strong and deadly. His scales are covered in blood and remains of flesh are on his teeth.

“Butterfly.”

“Okay, how about this one?”

Someone hanging themselves, their neck already snapped and the chair almost fallen over. Eyes without the spark of life and limbs hanging numb. The room is dark but a lightning flash is illuminating this persons final moment

“Flower.”

“Hmm… last one.”

Order and chaos, the 2 parts of me. They’re like Yin and Yang, good and bad. Order is pictured angelic with an aureole and feathery wings. Her hair is long and straight, her clothes are white and dainty. Her eyes are friendly but shy and her pose is insecure. Chaos is rather devilish with horns and bat-like wings. Her hair is short and spike, her clothes brightly coloured and revealing. Her eyes are filled with anger and her pose is confident. Sometimes they each have their own body, other times they’re contrasting sides of one.

“Happy sisters.”

“Can you tell me more about these ‘sisters’ you see?”

She’s on to me, I guess that was inevitable. Still I won’t tell her the truth, nothing good comes from it. I’ll have to make up a believable story now, huh…

“Well… I think they’re sister. They look very alike and have similar hair. The one on the right is obviously the older one as she’s more worried and serious. I wonder where they’re going.”

“We’ll end it here for today, next time try to be honest. I can’t help you like this.”

Nobody can help me, plenty have tried. I’m alone in the darkness, you’re blinded by the light that I’ve turned my back to long ago. I’ve long since forgotten why I keep up these appearances, matter of habit I suppose.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about miss.”

“Of course, see you soon.”

“Bye.”

No wave of a hand, no hug. Nothing but empty words as I take my leave, back towards my own little world where I shut everything out. I wouldn’t say I’m happier there but it takes a lot less effort. I’m always so tired after this, no I’m just always tired. Tired of being tired, a vicious cycle. A set pattern much like the questions. Same question, same answer, same response.


“How are you feeling?”

Like I have the weight of the world on my eyelids, as if my muscles have been reduced to dust. My brain must have been charred in in flames and my emotions are at war. I haven’t eaten well for longer than I can remember and I’m not even hungry, I’m ever thirsty but can hardly drink when I get a hold of something to do so. Sleep is a luxury and so is free time.

“I guess I’m okay.”

“So, things are getting better?”

I’ve never felt so low, so alone. More and more anxiety, stress and problems are crushing me. I’m starting to doubt if it ever will ‘get better’. Every day is worse than the last and this downward spiral only has one definitive end.

“You could say that, yeah.”

“What about school, doing alright?”

I’m swamped with homework, I’ve been sorting out shit that others should have done for me in my free periods. My new class is annoying, especially Alex and I wish I never had to go back there. It takes way too much energy out of me and I barely have time for hobbies.

“I still have to get used to the program.”

“Ah, no worries. It should be easier now. That would also give you time for other things. Do you have a crush on anyone at the moment?”

My heart has been and still gets broken by a guy I can’t get over. He fucks with my head and I keep coming back. Even after we kissed, no he kissed me, he put me in the friend zone. Meanwhile i have crushes on people I’ll never dare tell and even if I did my heart wouldn’t have healed enough yet. It’s so hard to get over love, I’d rather not have it at all.

“No, no real crushes at the moment. Seems I finally caught a break.”

“Come on, someone will swoop you off your feet soon enough.”

“Right…”

“How about you? How’s life?”

I let them talk and feign interest but in reality I’m back in my little dreamworld, my jumble of thoughts. I don’t much care for them but they don’t know. If I was asked to save one person out of everyone I know, my reply will be a question. Does my cat count as a person?

“Want to go to X with me (date here)?”

Going to places I don’t like, doing things that don’t have my interest. I’d much rather escape to my room with my wifi access and comfort food. People exhaust me and I’d rather go alone. What use would I be anyway, it’s not like I’m fun to be around…

“My parents already planned something on that date, sorry.”

“Oh, well maybe next time.”

spooky pic here

Nightmares at Freddie’s

Shadows dance
Darkness falls
Strange noises
Echo the halls

You’re not alone
Someone is here
Or is it something
It’s getting near

Don’t close your eyes
Don’t make a sound
Many before you
Did not make it out

The souls of the children
Still like to play
So until morning
You are their prey

Freddie’ song is played
Out of the doorway
The clock turns 6 am
You survived your first day

 

Darkness

I’ve been dead for 8 years, that’s how I usually explain dealing with the thoughts of suicide. When you’re prepared to give up on life can you really say you’re still living? For me it started at the shocking age of 8 years old, now I haven’t a clue how on earth I would have offed myself had I gone trough with it but nonetheless this darkness has never left me. I have certainly grown up and gotten stronger but the battle remains and in this time of turmoil the writer in me can’t help but jot things down during some of my best and worst moment so what the rest of this post holds is anything but happy poems and stories about rainbows and unicorns. Read at your own risk and remember, I’m still here so don’t do what I couldn’t.


I wish to do die, or so I say 9 years after I first thought so. I’m still here, life hasn’t gotten better. In fact it has gotten worse. I often wonder why I can’t give up and follow the one thing I’ve been most certain of my entire life. Hope? Such a fragile thing has long faded. Love? Only my cat holds it for me while I have plenty for others. I’m always putting others before myself, I’m not necessarily kind though. It keeps me busy and feel a lot less useless. In fact most often I see people as opportunities and could adapt to make friends with almost anyone. I don’t know who I am and why I’m still going.

Nobody really knows who I am and no one can save me. I’m a lost cause, yet I can’t escape yet. I’m fighting my fate, myself and plenty more. “I don’t want all my suffering to have been for nothing. It shouldn’t be all I knew.” My reason for living, I couldn’t find anything better. The world will go on without me though some might fall after me that won’t be able to bother me when I’m gone. Still something keeps resisting keeping me in this hell. They say suicide sends you to hell but I’ve got the feeling that place isn’t half as bad as what I’m going through right now.

I fake a smile and say I’m fine. I don’t even know why, but it hurts that no one has come up and called me on bluff. No one has tried to save me, I’m on my own. Together alone. How mannieth time is this that I’ve hit rock bottom, 5th? 6th? Sigh, why bother thinking of reasons to keep me here? Even a stupid to do list… But I really do want to do those things but I also really want this shit to be over.

“You say you wish to die, but in reality you just want to be saved.” “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” What if there’s nothing worth saving? What if problems aren’t temporary and those that are get solved only to give way to more? I could jump out of the window right now, I live on the 5th floor, but… always buts… always indecisive. Total opposites, 2 voices never giving me a rest. So many decisions, never a right answer.

I don’t even remember what being happy is like, I get paranoid when I’m on a lucky streak, insomnia and hallucinations are usual occurrences. So many disorders it’s hard to distinguish them and who’s causing what. Always exhausted, never good enough. Pessimist, an optimist who’s been disappointed too often. From stories I’ve heard that I was a happy kid once upon a time. It’s been so long since I’ve gone wrong. I might seem innocent and weak but I have a dark side I don’t like showing, how else have I survived so long. I can count the times I’ve been angry, not pissed, really angry. That’s when all the swallowed words and beard pain breaks free. The results were never pretty.

If people that claim to know me ever read this they’d probably be shocked, we all have our secrets but mine are very very dark. Some know I imagine pretty scenarios and happy endings but I also imagine killing myself or others or at least letting them feel something close to my pain. They might try to save me but then it’d be to late, I’m already far gone. Even if I live even the part fighting to stay alive agrees I don’t want to grow old, it’s just a matter of time. Still I’d prefer if I was killed or something, matter of honour and it’d take the decision away from me.

For now I’ll focus on completing my to do list, some entries are very childish but whatever. One might take a very long time and I’m not sure if I can complete it. Then there are things I want to say to certain people, I can only do that on the last day I guess. Will I leave a note? Do I want to be buried? How can I kill myself in a way that my organs can still be donated? Man I’ve never really sorted those things out, huh.


Caught in war 

Why am I always torn

Why can I never choose

After years I’m all worn

I think I’m soon to lose

A war without a victor

And nothing to be gained

With all I’ve been trough

It has only earned me pain

Still I cling to wishes

It’s what gets me out of bed

But in fact the truth is

They only created chaos in my head

Stalked by nightmares

Lost in dreams

It leaves me scared

I wish I could scream

I don’t remember happiness

I’m paranoid when I’m in luck

Innocence is a long gone bliss

I pretend not to give a fuck

But I do care

I still feel

Even though I’m scared

I want theses wounds to heal

Fantasy is my escape

Writing my way to vent

Loneliness something I crave

Food a main event

Socially awkward

A clumsy romantic

But don’t get it backwards

I’m still a fun chick