“Now tell me what you see.”
A vicious monster with a smile full of razor-sharp teeth, glowing eyes and horns on its head. His tail is like a dinosaur and his 6 limbs are big strong and deadly. His scales are covered in blood and remains of flesh are on his teeth.
“Okay, how about this one?”
Someone hanging themselves, their neck already snapped and the chair almost fallen over. Eyes without the spark of life and limbs hanging numb. The room is dark but a lightning flash is illuminating this persons final moment
“Hmm… last one.”
Order and chaos, the 2 parts of me. They’re like Yin and Yang, good and bad. Order is pictured angelic with an aureole and feathery wings. Her hair is long and straight, her clothes are white and dainty. Her eyes are friendly but shy and her pose is insecure. Chaos is rather devilish with horns and bat-like wings. Her hair is short and spike, her clothes brightly coloured and revealing. Her eyes are filled with anger and her pose is confident. Sometimes they each have their own body, other times they’re contrasting sides of one.
“Can you tell me more about these ‘sisters’ you see?”
She’s on to me, I guess that was inevitable. Still I won’t tell her the truth, nothing good comes from it. I’ll have to make up a believable story now, huh…
“Well… I think they’re sister. They look very alike and have similar hair. The one on the right is obviously the older one as she’s more worried and serious. I wonder where they’re going.”
“We’ll end it here for today, next time try to be honest. I can’t help you like this.”
Nobody can help me, plenty have tried. I’m alone in the darkness, you’re blinded by the light that I’ve turned my back to long ago. I’ve long since forgotten why I keep up these appearances, matter of habit I suppose.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about miss.”
“Of course, see you soon.”
No wave of a hand, no hug. Nothing but empty words as I take my leave, back towards my own little world where I shut everything out. I wouldn’t say I’m happier there but it takes a lot less effort. I’m always so tired after this, no I’m just always tired. Tired of being tired, a vicious cycle. A set pattern much like the questions. Same question, same answer, same response.
“How are you feeling?”
Like I have the weight of the world on my eyelids, as if my muscles have been reduced to dust. My brain must have been charred in in flames and my emotions are at war. I haven’t eaten well for longer than I can remember and I’m not even hungry, I’m ever thirsty but can hardly drink when I get a hold of something to do so. Sleep is a luxury and so is free time.
“I guess I’m okay.”
“So, things are getting better?”
I’ve never felt so low, so alone. More and more anxiety, stress and problems are crushing me. I’m starting to doubt if it ever will ‘get better’. Every day is worse than the last and this downward spiral only has one definitive end.
“You could say that, yeah.”
“What about school, doing alright?”
I’m swamped with homework, I’ve been sorting out shit that others should have done for me in my free periods. My new class is annoying, especially Alex and I wish I never had to go back there. It takes way too much energy out of me and I barely have time for hobbies.
“I still have to get used to the program.”
“Ah, no worries. It should be easier now. That would also give you time for other things. Do you have a crush on anyone at the moment?”
My heart has been and still gets broken by a guy I can’t get over. He fucks with my head and I keep coming back. Even after we kissed, no he kissed me, he put me in the friend zone. Meanwhile i have crushes on people I’ll never dare tell and even if I did my heart wouldn’t have healed enough yet. It’s so hard to get over love, I’d rather not have it at all.
“No, no real crushes at the moment. Seems I finally caught a break.”
“Come on, someone will swoop you off your feet soon enough.”
“How about you? How’s life?”
I let them talk and feign interest but in reality I’m back in my little dreamworld, my jumble of thoughts. I don’t much care for them but they don’t know. If I was asked to save one person out of everyone I know, my reply will be a question. Does my cat count as a person?
“Want to go to X with me (date here)?”
Going to places I don’t like, doing things that don’t have my interest. I’d much rather escape to my room with my wifi access and comfort food. People exhaust me and I’d rather go alone. What use would I be anyway, it’s not like I’m fun to be around…
“My parents already planned something on that date, sorry.”
“Oh, well maybe next time.”