Relapse, Breakdown

It can be anything; a word, a phrase, a look, an event, even a thought can trigger it. Months of building confidence, picking up my broken pieces and catching up on things I pushed aside to save myself. Loads of work left to be unfinished, promises soon to be broken, people ignored and offended. All because of one little thing that flipped the switch, or maybe lots of little things. It just becomes too much.

Salt on my tongue, heat on my knuckles, cold in my bones, sour is my stomach and empty the silence. I know I’m crying, but I don’t feel it. I punched the wall until I bled, yet there’s no pain. It’s spring and the weather’s mild while I’m shivering from the cold. I’m healthy though my burning throat suggests otherwise. I feel numb, with my heart ripped out of my chest. Disconnected from reality and time as feelings take control. Not this again.


Incoherent mess of negativity

I’m so tired of lying, faking and betraying everyone and everything I stood for. I’d love to drop the act and spill the truth and all the suffering I’ve been keeping inside, but…

I passed the point of no return an eternity ago and I’m stuck with the choices I’ve made and the ending I’ve earned. All I can do is play out my role and long for the time the curtain close one last time.

I can’t remember the last time I genuinely smiled, or what it feels like not to be afraid. I wonder if I’ve experienced happiness, all I know is 9 years of darkness and shard of the 8 years before. How am I still breathing?

Am I weak for not being able to give up, admit and accept what I have? Am I strong for being able to bear so much and still do what is expected of me?

“What’s wrong?” You wouldn’t understand. “Explain then.” How would I explain something that is built up over years, based on many disorders and I don’t even understand to someone as unbroken as you? I mean it when I say you won’t understand, I’m yet to find anyone who does. That’s why I can’t even call for help, I don’t know the problem.

Don’t ask me…

I tried something new, I asked myself a question and wrote down what my voices answered. You can read more about them under “what’s in a name


Why do I sleep with my hands next to my pillow, hiding my face, and my blanket pulled up to my neck?
Order: I’m trying to protect my dreams from the cruel world I face every day, only when I sleep is there ever peace, isn’t that worth guarding?
Chaos: To be ready to fight of any threats that come at night.
Fade: To hide my tears and sadness from those that will only hurt me more. To keep my eyes on “a way out”.
Bones: To wake up to seeing that I’m still not skinny

Why are my ears pitched for the slightest noise and my own movements silent as a shadow?
Order: To avoid harm, be aware of danger in time and have a chance of escape. To know when someone is in need and speed to their aid.
Chaos: To hear secrets and sneak away from responsibilities and consequences. To be prepared when danger approaches so I can fight it head on.
Fade: To avoid those that hurt me and remain undiscovered.
Bones: To hear what people say of me and the be able to slip away to the bathroom without anyone knowing.

Why can’t I enjoy my hobbies anymore?
Order: Because I should do the tasks given to me
Chaos: Because I want to be with “my bad boy”
Fade: Because there is no point, it’s a waste of time… putting off the inevitable
Bones: Because I should be working out instead of sitting on my lazy ass

Why can’t I tell him I love him?
Order: I don’t want to trouble him, hurt him or annoy him.
Chaos: He doesn’t deserve us, beside he’d be the one to make a move, my feelings are obvious and his are not
Fade: I don’t want to get hurt even though I’m hurting now
Bones: He doesn’t want us and I know it, he said himself he likes skinny girls.

Am I okay?
Order: No, but that shouldn’t stop me from caring about others, that’d be selfish
Chaos: No, but I am strong, I haven’t given up and I should invest more in myself.
Fade: Have I ever been? He certainly doesn’t recall anything like that.
Bones: Am I skinny? She certainly doesn’t recall anything like that.

Who can I trust?
Order: Your friends, your family, Dora, the important people in your life
Chaos: She isn’t sure.
Fade: No one
Bones: Her

Why do I cry?
Order: Because I am allowed
Chaos: Because I am weak
Fade: Because I am broken
Bones: Because I am ugly

Message of silence

Dimly lit by light of her screen, hair tucked behind her ears and wrapped tightly in her blanket. Her pale face without a trace of the enthusiasm she shows her world. Headphones in, but no music plays. There’s nothing but silence surrounding her. Gritting her teeth and occasionally biting her lip she tries to make sense of her thoughts and feelings.

The dark circles under her red swollen eyes betray more than she wants to tell. With her mask off and no one around she breaks. Everything that had been building up that day, no even from before, comes flooding out. She wants to scream out for help or… say what she knows to be true. She fiddles with her accessories and occasionally touches her wrists.

She’s cold, lonely, numb. I shouldn’t bother others with my feelings, she says to herself. She feels worthless, a failure. It will get better she repeats over and over, but she can’t convince herself. She closes her eyes and sighs, the temporary relief gives way to crack of smile. It’s quickly put down by memories that make her cringe.

“Ugh, I’m so stupid.”, “I shouldn’t have done that.”, “What will they think of me.”, “No wonder I’m alone.”, these are the things that shout trough her mind whenever she recalls her “regrets”. All she really wants is to relive them, they’re happy memories after all. She longs for them so much it hurts.

She shifts around and lies down staring at her phone, lost for what to do. She has to write off her feelings, but not in a way where people will know what’s going on. That would be a disaster. Going past all her social medias she finds none that fits and instead almost automatically checks her apps. Sifting trough her subscriptions only watching for a minute before clicking the next video. She’s looking for something to entertain her, to grab her, though she doesn’t know what.

It’s not like she has nothing to do, in fact there are plenty unfinished tasks that reach their deadline soon. Meanwhile she tries to escape herself and the world around her. Reading, writing, watching something, anything to keep from overthinking. Toxic to herself this has become her routine. Numbly repeating the same useless activities, clasping desperately to her sanity by walking on the edge of reality. While others compliment her strength she colapses all alone.

Silence can be a razor sharp blade…

Sanity set sail

I‘m disappointed in myself. What happened to the books I’d read? Or the games I’d play? The Animes I’d watch? The Youtubers I followed? What about those things I used to call hobbies but now see as tasks to avoid? Why is everything that used to bring me happiness past tense? I can’t seem to bring up the motivation when before I used to grab any chance I got to “waste” my time on these things…

Nowadays my feelings are confused and I feel like I’m a different person at every time of day. In front of people I normally don’t care about it suddenly matters that they like me and to the people I’m close with I act indifferent. Why? Why do I have no control of my actions? Why do I act out of character? Have I finally snapped?

Since these “takeovers” are so subtle that I don’t notice at the moment but afterwards I cringe over things I regret. It wasn’t me who did that. It’s not like I’m sitting in the backseat watching someone do these things, it’s more like my morals and ideas are temporarily shifted. I was there, but back then it made sense to act that way…

Arrrgh, my feelings are a mess, my head is a mess… is there anywhere left to run? To hide from who I am, no of what I’m becoming? I used to write the lines for my role but it now seems I’m only the actress and I play my part so well. Did I lose myself along the way of trying to be what people wanted me to be? Do I even know who I am to begin with? Where does my act end and my personality begin?

No more… I just want to shut everything out. Leave me alone, don’t come near. I’m lonely, give me affection. Notice me, I need to be out there more. Always contradicting fucking feelings. Choose, choose, choose. Shut up, just shut up. I shouldn’t be talking to myself. I’d like silence, in my head an all around. I can never find it, there’s always noise. No matter how much I try to drown it I can’t escape it.

Even insane characters and their ridiculous actions start to make sense, perhaps even look like fun. What the fuck. Tokyo Ghoul, known for being gruesome, is a welcome and enjoyable distraction. My mind is twisted, my likes and dislikes switched, I can no longer control my anger and my thoughts are working against me. How can I still keep up this convincing smile? Why do I do it anyway? There’s nothing being gained from being a lame puppet in this crazy game.