What is “true”?

“Because everything you’ve believed to be true is a blatant lie.”
What do you mean? Of course my parents are my parents. I’m definitely Human. This is not a dream, how can it be? If I’m dead how do you explain my pain, my thoughts and feelings? You’ve got to be joking. Is this some kind of prank? It’s not funny. Stop fucking with me. You’re a filthy liar! This can’t be! I mean how can everything be a lie? Even all my memories? Will I ever be able to return to this “lie”? Why did you have to tell me this? I was fine where I was. It wasn’t exactly a happy lie but this feels so hollow. My whole world has collapsed. Everyone I cared about, everything I was going to do... It’s really true? All of it? No way… how could I have never noticed? So what happens now? What is true? Who am I? What am I? Where are we?

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

5 Stages of loss, but what if it really did turn out that all you believed wasn’t true? That the world as you knew it was a farce? That there were higher evil powers at play? Could you handle the sheer devastation of your wasted effort? Would you be able to accept the new truth or desperately try to get back to what you knew and pretend you never learned “the truth”?

I know my curiosity’d get the better of me and try to learn of this truth and piece by piece lose my connecting to the comfortable lie I knew. If everything was a lie anyway there’s no reason to stick to it. At least I hope I’ll be able to let go like that, I already struggle with letting go of my past as it is. Beyond any reason why I lived a lie I’d want to know how on earth it was maintained. Besides will I wake up in a machine or something or am I not going anywhere?

I suppose the closest feeling i’ll ever get is after finishing a good anime or book and you just don’t know what to with your life anymore. When everything seems so meaningless and you ponder your existence. What if I was just a character in a very complex book? What is reality?
Maybe that’s just me though, hehe.


What it’s like to lose your mind

I just started writing this during a moment of going crazy. Just typing away my every thought. Times like these aren’t unusual to me but still relatively rare so don’t think I’m like this all the time.

Lost, broken, off balance. What matters? What do I have to do? What am I doing? What’s next? I feel like I’ve been placed in a fantasy world. I don’t belong. It’s so familiar. It’s so alien. Tears burn in my eyes but don’t come. My head is on fire, my hands are frozen. Nothing is comfortable. I want hide, to escape. Curl up in a ball and never wake up. I eat all the food I love. Cuddle my cat. Relive happy times. What does tomorrow matter? We’re all going to die anyway. My mind is a mess but at least it’s silent. There’s just dread, darkness. No… there’s still choices. Still voices that wont shut up. SHUT UP! Insanity, is this insanity? Losing it? I’m detached from myself, my hands moving without the slightest thought. Just my words being recorded, letter for letter, word for word. I can hear my breathing, I can feel my heart. I’m alone. There’s just me, stuck in this body. Overwhelmed by feelings. Numb, uncontrolled. Sometimes unable to form coherent sentences. Noises disturb me. I can feel the borders of my body. I can see the limits of my mind. I must be delirious. Shaking, disorientated. Why? Just why? The odds are never in our favour. I’m breaking my promises with myself. i can’t seem to do my work, the things I have to. I don’t want to fail again, I can’t. I am stronger than that. I have to win. I’m not giving up again. I hate expectations. I hate not meeting expectations. I’m horrible at choosing. Feelings confuse me, especially “good” ones. I stopped looking at the screen a while ago. I just stare at the letters as my mind connects them into words. Don’t bother for the spelling, we have autocorrect for that. This must be a pain to read but honestly this “mood” is a pain to be in, so deal with it. Who am I? What am I doing? I’m lost. I can’t ask for help. They don’t understand. I tried help last time. It made it worse. I wanna sleep. I’m not tired. The book is almost finished but I have more to read. There’s anime left too. I should write on my stories more. Today has been a weird day. Can I go back to keeping up my act tomorrow? Can I face him? What about the other one? I need chocolate. I shouldn’t eat so much bad stuff. I’m spending too much money. My dad’s birthday is soon, he needs a present. Gotta pick up the girls after school tomorrow, I’ll have to stay longer. Tomorrow is such a long day already. Now I really gotta make sure school doesn’t find my blog. They’ll take me off IB immediately. I’m not crazy. I can do this. It’s almost eleven… don’t think I can sleep before then. I’ll be up until after midnight. Is my insomnia returning. Will the monsters be there? Dora is so cute, I’d love to trade with her for her simple life, but she’d ruin mine. Being a ca is so easy: sleep, eat, get cuddled, eat again, sleep. I love cats. I don’t like the clothes I’m wearing, they’re not my style. Not comfy enough. Not like I have much choice with todays awful fashion. Kakashi. People wouldn’t miss my absence from tumblr right? I wonder how soon they expect me to put out a new chapter for my popular fanfic. The last one isn’t even finished yet. I don’t want to worry anyone. I’m worried myself. I don’t want this. Why can’t I be happy? Or at least less like… this. My back hurts, I’m too lazy to move. Motivation is a hard thing for me. I can work hard when I have to. I have a test tomorrow. I didn’t give in the Geography homework yet. What about that weird thing for english. I hate being in trouble. I hate disappointing. I’m not a real pessimist, I’m an optimist that has been disappointed too much. My hair looks silly, I should have kept that strand in the braid. I wish it was longer.

Continue reading

Autumn Mystery

A leaf blows past, red and thinned by the autumn weather. There’s the continuous sound of crunching as I make my way along the path or what once was anyway. A shiver runs down my body after another whip of the wind and I zip my coat up to the top and try to hide behind my scarf.

The forest is alive with bright colours but they’ve long since lost my interest, I see them often enough. A mouse here a squirrel there, they notice me but continue their business much like I do. I suppose my breathing will be audible by now but I can’t tell with the music in my ears. While most would be deaf to the world I hear better, it helps me drown the unnecessary sounds.

My hands buried deep in my pockets are sweaty by the time the trees thin out. I quickly pull out my phone, I’m early. He left me a message… I make my way to our meeting spot first. The hollow oak that must have died years ago is our hideaway and it even shelters from this slight drizzle. It had been very old and created what could be seen as a small room once you find the entrance.

I head inside and sit down on the small couch we dragged here ages ago. My bag I place on the table, but I decided to wait to open the contents until he arrives. I wait to catch my breath until I bring out my phone once more to read my text. I should have done so earlier.

Robin, don’t go to our spot today. I heard there’s some creep around the woods that has attacked people before and you must have heard of the missing teenagers. I’ll just drop by your house for homework later. Max

It worried me though it didn’t last long, Max was a prankster after all. Still I needed something sweet to lighten my mood and headed over to the table. I had packed some homemade cookies and cupcakes. It was meant as a picnic but oh well…

I had just reached the couch when I heard a familiar tread of footsteps approaching the clearing. I hurries to close the bag and crawled out of the old tree.  “Yo, Maxy.” The solemn look on his face transformed into the grin I prefer seeing. “Hey, Roby.” I roll my eyes at his greeting, he knows it annoys me.

We head inside and talk about our day. I notice his hands are shaking and his outfit is messier than usual. I make no comment and he seems content with that. I get up and bring out my haul of delicacies or at least I would have when Max caught me by surprise. He hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. I froze, why was he doing this?

“What are you trying to do, bro?” He took a deep breath and then whispered: “Isn’t it obvious?” I loosened his grip and somewhat reluctant he stepped back. “I thought you were straight.” I said. “I never said I was.” Is his reply. No way… The guy I’d crushed on all along way gay like me?

Tears start to stream down my face as I burst into laughter.  “How could I have been so blind?” I mutter. Max seems somewhat freaked out. I should explain this then… “I-I..” But I can’t voice the words he needs to hear. I reach into my bag and bring out a special cupcake hidden away between some books. I had prepared it so I could tell him how I felt ages ago but never found the courage for it.

I reach out to give him the rainbow frosted cupcake with a heart on it. “Robin… what?” His hand is hovering over it and I grab it with my empty one turning it around to place the cupcake on it. He stares at it in disbelieve. “Does this mea-”  He never gets to finish his sentence.

It’s interrupts by my knife getting lodged in his throat. I pull it out and he drops to his knees placing his empty hand on the wound that’s beyond saving. His expression is of pain and confusion, just the way I like it. I capture a picture with my phone.

He’s surprisingly quiet and I’m almost furious that I wasted so much effort getting him to show up in this lone forest. To have some more fun I lift his pretty face by his chin and leave a heart shaped cut on his right cheek. No scream, just opening his mouth and gritting his teeth.

A noise from my phone disturbs the moment and I let go of him. Even if he can move he won’t make it far.

So what time should I come over for homework? My folks even said I could sleep over!  M

Huh? What? I never saw him take out his phone. I turn around to see him sprawled across the floor still holding on to the cupcake. No… Either this is not Max or someone has his phone…

Caring, Crying, Creating

The end of the walking dead, life is strange, Okami and many others have made me cry. Not just games but movies, anime, books, worlds with fictional characters you get attached to and hate to see die. I used to hate crying over such “unimportant” things, but that time has passed. When you can’t cry anymore for your own story it can be nice to let go of all the cropped up feelings which have been stuck.

Why I care more for figments of imagination than reality? Because I was (with) them along their journey and witnessed everything they had to bare and everyone that they lost or had beside them. In my life I feel like one of those side characters, supporting the star of the story. I help out when things get though and people can choose to trust and care for me… or not.

Perhaps I don’t see the value in myself, think I’m pathetic for crying over myself when honestly sometimes I’d love but tears just won’t come. They say one who can’t cry is weak but how can I be weak after all I’ve lived through, I’m still standing and finally I’m getting side characters of my own, people who care. Yet my emotions are still a mess and I push away my pain to the back of my mind. “I have to keep going” or “there’s no time to recover” or worst of all “just grin and bear it” they’ve become automatic lies I tell myself and for what?

Responsibility this, moving on that, from what i hear adulthood sounds like an awful thing. We get excused for being teens or even kids, we still have to learn, there’s always adults watching our backs. One day though, we’ll be adults ourself and we’ll have to do everything ourselves. No more safety gear and supervision, just a net spread out across the abyss in case things really go to shit. I’m not scared, I don’t yearn for the past, neither do I look forward to the future. I just roll with the moment and don’t plan too far ahead since things never go according to plan anyway.

So for now I cry over silly things, because I can. Until I learn to become truly strong I’ll keep getting hurt and I’ll keep fighting back. No more hiding into fantasy worlds, instead taking them as a lesson for my own adventure which still awaits…

Staring outside

3 years

Long hair, dead eyes and a gaze locked on the ground
Lost in her own world with no one around
Silent and frail, Invisible to the crowds
No one sees her screaming out
Someone save me, I’m falling apart
Her pleading remains unheard
She crumbles as time flows past
How much longer will she last

Even I didn’t see her and she did not recognise me
How huge the difference 3 years make can be
I’d like to tell her tales of what’s to come
How much she had in her all along
Even my success has had its price
Still happiness is on the rise
Finally escaping the world of shadows
Climbing out of the ravine so low

Younger me don’t fear
Times of adventure are here
Boredom ends and life begins
In the end perseverance wins
Much will be unknown to you
But you’ll know what to do
Prepare for change, prepare for difficulty
Survive and you’ll be strong like me

Beware of darkness it still lurks
Treasure individuality and your quirks
For friends will come to  find you
They will understand you’re true
Supporting you along the way
Life takes people to play

This rollercoaster keeps on goin’
Even for me it’s unknown
Where it will take us
But you should know this
Your future lies ahead
Now get off of your bed
Change takes effort and dedication
Don’t give up or lose your patience