00:45

Tonight, though a little uncommon but not entirely unusual, I spent my evening online listening to music and doing whatever my short attention span could focus on. I would sometimes tear my eyes from the screen and look up at the stars, letting my thoughts run wild after having been reeled in for the majority of the day. As usual, I stumbled across negativity, but unlike most days I closed my tab and basked in my surprisingly good mood. Why shouldn’t I? After all, it’s a rare event.

It’s so much easier to take shit when you’re not already feeling like shit.

Today was a good day, not perfect but pretty damn awesome to my standards.

I probably won’t ever tell you, but I love you. Not romantically, not platonically, it’s something calm and beautiful instead, different entirely from anything I’ve felt before. You gave me something I didn’t know I needed, something that drowned out my inner loneliness and shed a light on what I’m worth.

Family isn’t related

“Family don’t end with blood, it sure as hell don’t start there either”

-Bobby Singer (Supernatural)

How often have I wished I could escape these dense triggering people that I share genes with? It must be near infinity now. How can people that are supposed to be like me, be so different? They’re the root cause for most of my disorders and I’m supposed to love them. Just because we’re related? If you can’t relate to me then you’re not family in my book.

My family, my friends and people I love for choosing me, are there for me during my break downs, cheer on my creative ideas and will defend me from anyone who means harm even though they know I can kick ass myself. Some of them I’ve only known for days, weeks maybe and I already have a stronger bond with them than those aunts that I only see at the christmas dinners they ruin.

Just now I’m hiding in school, broken and on the verge of tears because of what my mom said last night. If it weren’t for my family I’d have cried all night and gotten no shut eye which would mean I couldn’t go to school and had to stay with my “family”. I’m a recovering Anorexic (Bones) and my other disorders had me stress eat recently, the acne was bad enough but for her to call me pudgy really hurt. It didn’t stick with once which could have been the slip of the tongue, no she had to make sure to shatter my confidence by reasoning with me until I agreed.

Now Bones is back full force making me doubt every bite I take and plan what meals I can avoid. After all the effort and pain it took me to shut her up and stop being a skeleton I’m starving myself again. Gee, what a great mom I have. I opened up to her for the first time in forever too. Hell, even my teachers are more understanding and they’re not great people.

I never told you

I was never yours
It hurt me all the same
You were never mine
How I wish
Things were different

It was for the best
Is what I tell myself
We weren’t meant to be
My heart disagrees

I won’t let you slip away
After all I’ve seen
Even if it pains me
I’ll be there
A friend
Or more
Whatever you need
I really love you
It seems

The effect of Affecting others

She didn’t understand the question, nor what she didn’t get. Crying in a math class is the lowest you can get. I asked her if she was okay, she said she had a bad day and it had nothing to do with math. These phrases, these actions all too familiar. I was afraid to confront her in class for seeming intrusive but I kept an eye on her for the remainder of the day. At least she has friends around her… but so did I, or at least I thought.

This struck me hard, I didn’t want anyone to experience the horror of dropping out trough mental pressure. When I came home I was hesitant to message her, though I had her number. I ended up eating first but after that the idea had seemingly wedged itself between my thoughts. I messaged her, telling bluntly I was concerned and that I wanted to help. She once again claimed being fine but after a fun little conversation she ended on saying she appreciated my concern. It really was like talking to a younger me and it was amazing and terrifying at the same time. Still that was the start of a building friendship and I don’t regret “saving” her.

She’s not the first case of my overactive concern for others, but certainly one of the more successful “rescues”. I often sit at the same spot in school during lunch and free periods and every now and then there would be another girl there. She’s most likely one grade below me and I noticed cuts on her wrist and not just a few. My best friend and I made it our task to watch out for her and try to get her help, though we both know it’s a very delicate subject. So far my friend has managed to start helping her out with homework and I sometimes sit next to her when we have shared free periods.

I know we can’t save everyone here and that’s not my plan but if we can prevent a few people from ending up fighting such a disorder I’ll be happy. School does nothing for people like us and so we have to take that role and it’s much more rewarding seeing someone appreciate even your presence than getting a good grade.

ARC, act of random kindness, that’s what we do. I’ve started doing more of them even if they seem trivial at times the effects are so positive. I’m really starting to feel like I’m bringing about change to this school or at least it’s community. Teachers know and acknowledge me, my creative and often unusual ideas are like war tales told to new classes. Seems just being me isn’t so bad a thing after all 🙂

How are you?

I’m fine, my standard answer since most people don’t really care. But am I really fine? Sometimes I’m not but school demands you to be… or they’ll make you talk to the counseler who keeps it “confidential” while telling your parents and teachers -_-. He’s a creep anyway, but it doesn’t help for me, talking to someone who doesn’t know me, someone that doesn’t understand me.

I guess I’m just waiting for that person that sees trough my ‘I’m fine’ act and asks whats up, I’ll probably give him/her a big kiss on the cheek xD. It seems we all work this way, waiting for the person that knows you better than you do…

Sometimes I just feel like nobody understands me, not even me, I’m complicated xD. Doesn’t really help that I’m socially awkward… but observing people from a distance has helped me a lot though and with the power of chat you can slowly work to real conversations :D.

I wish I had someone to tell all my problems to, I have one to tell most to but not everything. And who do you talk to when you have a problem with that person?! It might seem easier to keep your problems for yourself but bringing in another mind helps.

Telling my problems helped me deal with stress which caused my 24/7/365 tiredness to go away, waking up awake after 3 years feels amazing trust me!

Research has proven that you go crazy if you don’t socialize and that thw chance of depression is way bigger if you’re friendless. Even though good en best friends are hard to find you have to keep looking and making friends to just hang out with.

Lol from not being fine to make friends #random. My tips for seeing wheter people really care is responding with thing like: I’m tired, I’ve been better, bad day. They will show wheter they care with the way they look, don’t pay atention to their words.

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