It gets better… and then what?

When you’re used to everything being negative or plain too much it’s a really weird experience to escape it. The dream fulfilled never feels quite as sweet as how you imagined it, does it now?

Getting better is hard.

First, it gets worse, as you realise everything that’s wrong with you, everything that’s causing it, and everything you have to change. Sometimes knowing why things fuck you up and why you display fucked up behaviour in return is worse than what’s actually wrong. At least, that’s my experience. Out of your comfort zone and uncomfortably aware of what’s still wrong you might find you feel like you can’t play your own part in the play anymore. People have expectations of you which you don’t meet anymore and you might have dropped ancient habits or hobbies. It’s terrifying and freeing to cut out the external factors.

Secondly, you make progress, you feel happier. It’s not constant, but more and easier than you ever expected at your lowest. You’ve run into things you wish you could delete from your life but you still depend on them. You confront them by playing the same old dance, but not getting as affected by it. Still, there’s this empty. You have more energy and time, where do you leave it? There is so much since you need less to do the same things and stopped doing some. Hobbies? They’re just not the same, you used them as distractions and coping mechanisms and it’s sorta tainted. Only some specific prospects in your hobbies such as the release of a new game even get you to engage anymore. So much boredom. It’s a dangerous thing when being alone in your head isn’t completely safe yet.

I haven’t gotten to thirdly or lastly yet. I was heading there when my aunt got worse and passed away. Grief’s pretty good at setting you back. I’m lucky to, through it, have found a secure future which even includes someone I love. I’m still healing, not through love like shitty romcom movies pretend, but it certainly helps to have a stable loving environment 90% of the time (compared to like 1 maybe 2% at my lowest).

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Status Quota

My idea of happiness used to be to not be depressed and suicidal and all the things I was when luck wasn’t on my side. I got what I asked for and even more. Like, sure, there have been truly awful things thrown my way regardless, but it’s drizzle compared to downpour. And now there is so much good, like Karma finally came around to resettle my balance; But I can’t enjoy it.

I can’t enjoy it because I’m not the only person whose luck has turned. Relationship troubles and breakups happen left and right. People lean on me, yet it feels different from when I was the more broken one. I try to keep silent about my success and glee because I know how much it hurt me when I was drowning in an ocean of sad.

A selfish person would enjoy themselves, but instead I feel guilty. I’d gladly give away my luck so that those around me could be happy. It doesn’t matter that’d realise my biggest fear of returning to how it was before, at least I know it. Good things don’t happen to me. I don’t know how to deal. I’m paranoid this is some kind of calm before the storm.

Now that I’m writing it all out I really hope I’m not coming off as greedy, because I am definitely not ungrateful. I feel undeserving, mostly. There is a small part of me yelling I deserved this like yesterday, but it’s nothing compared to this pessimism over positivity.

00:45

Tonight, though a little uncommon but not entirely unusual, I spent my evening online listening to music and doing whatever my short attention span could focus on. I would sometimes tear my eyes from the screen and look up at the stars, letting my thoughts run wild after having been reeled in for the majority of the day. As usual, I stumbled across negativity, but unlike most days I closed my tab and basked in my surprisingly good mood. Why shouldn’t I? After all, it’s a rare event.

It’s so much easier to take shit when you’re not already feeling like shit.

Today was a good day, not perfect but pretty damn awesome to my standards.

I probably won’t ever tell you, but I love you. Not romantically, not platonically, it’s something calm and beautiful instead, different entirely from anything I’ve felt before. You gave me something I didn’t know I needed, something that drowned out my inner loneliness and shed a light on what I’m worth.

A little victory

Today the decision for change school program have been finalised and I’m so happy (a rare thing) and I will celebrate soon with a visit to a nearby sushi place with my best friend (and my mom :/).

Here’s the situation:
I started IB (International Baceloreate) CP (certificate program) this year, it is a practical-academic program aimed to get you into apprenticeships. Last year I started IB DP (diploma program) usually just known as IB, it’s recognised around the world and super academic. However it was too stressfull and I was underprepared after IGCSE (International Genreal certificate of Secondary Education) which was easy.
I quickly discovered that CP was below my level and the class was people that didn’t fit into DP and I wished to change. School wasn’t too thrilled and made me wait 2 weeks filled with ridiculous reasons before finally saying yes today!

I will join DP tomorrow and follow it for the coming 2 years to get my diploma, after that I wish to travel the world and study… something. It’s a big change and not many would make it but I felt so strongly about it I was prepared to go trough the stress of changing. This is proof that not giving up can really get you what you want (sometimes)

Anyway… I just wanted to let out this happy message and this fitting poem

Same same, but different
Finally they listened
Back to what I know
Feels like coming home

For now I celebrate
Though a little late
Work will have to be done
But for now let’s have some fun

This time I’ll win
Now I can begin
IB Diploma is my goal
Now I’ll give my all

Rumours

God I hate them, ruining your day for no reason at all! Or make your day depending on what they say: If it’s about you smelling bad you want to kill the person that started it, but if it’s about your crush liking you you will probably hug the person who told the secret to death.

I had a weird case: After football practise this girl comes up to me and asks “Is it true that Friend is your boyfriend?!” No I replied, we’re just friends, who said that?! “I don’t know, it’s just a rumour, I also asked C, he said no as well.” Later that day I asked Friend what he knew about the rumour and I was surprised by what he told me;”Girl asked my as well, but she said you told her I was your boyfriend. I kept saying it isn’t true but she wouldn’t stop” At least it isn’t true and we know it. “Yeah, maybe someday, you never know what happens ;-)” . I was surprised about the fact I have 2 different stories and that Friend said that it might happen. I managed to sneakily ask whether he thought we would fit together and he said: “I think so…” Little does he know I have a crush on him!

Anyway… there’s not much you can do to prevent rumours, just ignore them and never belive them. People have killed themselfs because of rumours! x Anouk