What it’s like to lose your mind

I just started writing this during a moment of going crazy. Just typing away my every thought. Times like these aren’t unusual to me but still relatively rare so don’t think I’m like this all the time.

Lost, broken, off balance. What matters? What do I have to do? What am I doing? What’s next? I feel like I’ve been placed in a fantasy world. I don’t belong. It’s so familiar. It’s so alien. Tears burn in my eyes but don’t come. My head is on fire, my hands are frozen. Nothing is comfortable. I want hide, to escape. Curl up in a ball and never wake up. I eat all the food I love. Cuddle my cat. Relive happy times. What does tomorrow matter? We’re all going to die anyway. My mind is a mess but at least it’s silent. There’s just dread, darkness. No… there’s still choices. Still voices that wont shut up. SHUT UP! Insanity, is this insanity? Losing it? I’m detached from myself, my hands moving without the slightest thought. Just my words being recorded, letter for letter, word for word. I can hear my breathing, I can feel my heart. I’m alone. There’s just me, stuck in this body. Overwhelmed by feelings. Numb, uncontrolled. Sometimes unable to form coherent sentences. Noises disturb me. I can feel the borders of my body. I can see the limits of my mind. I must be delirious. Shaking, disorientated. Why? Just why? The odds are never in our favour. I’m breaking my promises with myself. i can’t seem to do my work, the things I have to. I don’t want to fail again, I can’t. I am stronger than that. I have to win. I’m not giving up again. I hate expectations. I hate not meeting expectations. I’m horrible at choosing. Feelings confuse me, especially “good” ones. I stopped looking at the screen a while ago. I just stare at the letters as my mind connects them into words. Don’t bother for the spelling, we have autocorrect for that. This must be a pain to read but honestly this “mood” is a pain to be in, so deal with it. Who am I? What am I doing? I’m lost. I can’t ask for help. They don’t understand. I tried help last time. It made it worse. I wanna sleep. I’m not tired. The book is almost finished but I have more to read. There’s anime left too. I should write on my stories more. Today has been a weird day. Can I go back to keeping up my act tomorrow? Can I face him? What about the other one? I need chocolate. I shouldn’t eat so much bad stuff. I’m spending too much money. My dad’s birthday is soon, he needs a present. Gotta pick up the girls after school tomorrow, I’ll have to stay longer. Tomorrow is such a long day already. Now I really gotta make sure school doesn’t find my blog. They’ll take me off IB immediately. I’m not crazy. I can do this. It’s almost eleven… don’t think I can sleep before then. I’ll be up until after midnight. Is my insomnia returning. Will the monsters be there? Dora is so cute, I’d love to trade with her for her simple life, but she’d ruin mine. Being a ca is so easy: sleep, eat, get cuddled, eat again, sleep. I love cats. I don’t like the clothes I’m wearing, they’re not my style. Not comfy enough. Not like I have much choice with todays awful fashion. Kakashi. People wouldn’t miss my absence from tumblr right? I wonder how soon they expect me to put out a new chapter for my popular fanfic. The last one isn’t even finished yet. I don’t want to worry anyone. I’m worried myself. I don’t want this. Why can’t I be happy? Or at least less like… this. My back hurts, I’m too lazy to move. Motivation is a hard thing for me. I can work hard when I have to. I have a test tomorrow. I didn’t give in the Geography homework yet. What about that weird thing for english. I hate being in trouble. I hate disappointing. I’m not a real pessimist, I’m an optimist that has been disappointed too much. My hair looks silly, I should have kept that strand in the braid. I wish it was longer.

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Not the most pleasent experience I know but you sometimes need to do it. With friends it’s more fun but it doesn’t take away the endless walking and searching since I’m picky…
I recently went to get a wintercoat since winters are cold here in Germany and it takes a while to find one but luckly for my parents I don’t really like brands. I ended up with a beany, cutetough t-shirt and denim shirt as well, yay for outlets. Did I need that? Yep, my wardrobe is mainly filled with to small out of fashion things just to make it look full. I don’t have much to wear…
I like staying in pjs anyway which I do during the weekends. I don’t really care about fashion which makes me a nonfollower. I rarely find anything that I wear in the stores when I go shopping just because I find the weirder things.
Many things would look good on me and people say I’m pretty and could dress better, but I only wear what fits my personality and figure which acording to my mom is a “perfect pear”. Whatever, I’m not fat and not skinny. I just like eating cholate and crisps and stay in all day. But I am playing football at the moment +- 2,5 hours of training a week cause of Training at PE but that will be over soon.
Okay that isnt about shopping at all… I’m not saying that I hate hate it but I don’t like going a lot. If my parents would give me a certain amount of money each month to buy clothes I would end up with nothing to wear because now the sometimes just “drag” me with them. Well they do reward me with some icecream :-D. Shopping for games is possible anytime though :-D, mainly because theres no fitting involved and theres more freedom

Do you like shopping? X Anouk

Fantasy and Reality

I don’t like the real world, the harsh life, reality. When I get home after a school day I just get back into my book or game to escape reality, to go to a nicer place, a place that makes more sense. Life doesn’t make sense, people don’t make sense. The game I like the most is Minecraft, most people find it boring, simplistic. I don’t see why, they say it doesn’t have a clear goal, but it has a clearer goal than life; you must beat the ender dragon to win, how vague is that?! The way you get there is up to you, maybe that’s what they don’t like; you can build what you want kill what you want and explore what you want, you can take forever to meet the ender dragon or go there as fast as you can. Life is different, life doesn’t have a goal, you can’t go on your own pace without it giving you disadvantages, you’re forced to go to school, to work and for what?! Numbers?! Why would I want to waste 2/3 of my life on things that don’t matter in the end?! I want to do something I like, when I like it. It’s so annoying that society doesn’t work that way. That’s way I like my fantasy world, where everything is perfect, where I can decide what happens next, where there are no unpredictable factors, where everyone is nice, where there aren’t age restrictions, where nobody is hungry and where fat people are banned as well as criminals. I know what it’s like to feel so terrible you want to give up on life, so I also know what should be improved.

The story of my life is for another time, I have to go back to the real world now, to make my lunch for school, I hate school, except ICT and Biology and maybe Art if they would force my direction less.

[Note: This was written when I was 14/15]