Breakfast, lunch, dinner, sleep, repeat

I feel like I’m in free fall, desperately trying to find a way to fly again, but like to find a way to hit the ground. Uselessly spending my time on things that don’t hold my interest to not do the responsible things I should. Canceling plans that no longer exite me.

Mood swings have me feeling fragile and ready to break. Thoughts jittering around out of control, with no way to follow. Cravings are high but a tatget is missing. Feelings fading in and out at minimal volume that swap suddenly to levels that make your ears bleed.

Trying to hold on to the things that allow me to keep living is ever harder than it seems. I’m not blind to pressure, just infinitely sadder. Unable to say “Help, somebody save me!” without a clue to what from. Seeking solitude and company at the same time.

Nothing is ever good, enough especially not me. Doubt is everywhere, when really I need certainty. Fear has me scared to change after too many close calls. I don’t know, I don’t know, I, don’t, know…



I’m hurting over your pain

Even though we’re the same

This is where we’re different

While you want your distance

I want to be close

And I suppose

If that’s the way to help

I’ll stay here by myself

Feeling like I failed you

Doing what you want me to

No news was good news

I guess I was hungry, I mean, that’s the logical explanation as to why I scarved down that burger in record time. Logic, it’s definitely not something that’s controlling my actions right now. In fact, it took forever before I was prepared to venture out and find food, because the mere thought of eating made me nauseous. I went anyway, because my body needs it. Breakfast, lunch, a piece of fruit, dinner. Just ticking off a checklist. I’m so mentally exhausted,  which eventually transfers physically. I still have fries. I’m unsure if I should eat them considering my senses are telling me confusing things. Maybe I should listen to logic again and eat them, because otherwise it’s money wasted. The balance between emotions and logic is once again disturbed by one little fact.

Yesterday I wanted to destroy like the news destroyed me

Today I’m tired of fighting

What will tomorrow bring?


Is it still denial when you know it is? I wonder if it’s a protective measure I’ve accidentally triggered. Why bother protecting myself from the unavoidable hurt? To have one more day, where everything goes right? It’s unrealistic and I know it yet my mind can’t seem to stop creating surreally realistic scenarios that keep me from focusing. They all happen because you’re leaving, but we never say goodbye. It’s always like it’s a chapter that’s been misplaced, like it belongs further on. After all this time I spent, waiting and having my emotions played with even in my imagination we don’t end up together, at least not now.

I must have the cycle of grief all messed up; First I got depressed, then I was angry, after which was acceptance, followed by bargaining and now denial. Then again a broken heart wouldn’t be the same grief, but I’m not broken. I’m fine, I feel better than I have in weeks. When the day does come I’m sure I’ll collapse. When will I see you again? Will I manage to say I love you? Will I wait for you? Will you wait for me? We don’t know what the future holds but I want to enjoy what little time we have. Even if it is just one more day I’ll try my best to make it perfect. You did tell me to make my “dreams” come true, but are you sure you’re up for it?

You know, I read through our old messages. I must admit I’ve been quite obsessed, I still have all your pictures and plenty of screenshots I took along the way. Most of it made me crack a smile, I bet it must have at the time too, but I could also read the pain some of your messages caused me and I figure I must have done the same. Either I’m convincing myself of a pretty lie or everything makes sense now. I feel awakened and can now keep from obsessing like I used to. You’re still a bad kisser regardless, but I still wouldn’t mind doing it again, hell I could teach you. Isn’t that ironic, you who gave me my first kiss, to be taught how to kiss by me? It probably won’t happen but it can’t hurt to imagine, not anymore. It’s pathetic how I cried over the many what-if happy-end scenarios I used to create, but it was all I knew.

The one thing that still stings is that I so clearly get how you feel, we’re both in love with someone we can’t be with and though we try so desperatly to fall for another we keep turning back. “Why did you come back, I thought I broke your heart? I told you not to wait for me, you should have gotten over me.” I can imagine you saying and I have my perfect reply ready. “You of all people should know how hard it is to get over someone even when they’re no good for you.” I’m tired of “you can do better” and “he doesn’t deserve you” when all I want is you. You’re far from perfect, but so am I. Both a broken mess with different ways of escape. More than friends but not exactly dating, it’s complicated…

Message of silence

Dimly lit by light of her screen, hair tucked behind her ears and wrapped tightly in her blanket. Her pale face without a trace of the enthusiasm she shows her world. Headphones in, but no music plays. There’s nothing but silence surrounding her. Gritting her teeth and occasionally biting her lip she tries to make sense of her thoughts and feelings.

The dark circles under her red swollen eyes betray more than she wants to tell. With her mask off and no one around she breaks. Everything that had been building up that day, no even from before, comes flooding out. She wants to scream out for help or… say what she knows to be true. She fiddles with her accessories and occasionally touches her wrists.

She’s cold, lonely, numb. I shouldn’t bother others with my feelings, she says to herself. She feels worthless, a failure. It will get better she repeats over and over, but she can’t convince herself. She closes her eyes and sighs, the temporary relief gives way to crack of smile. It’s quickly put down by memories that make her cringe.

“Ugh, I’m so stupid.”, “I shouldn’t have done that.”, “What will they think of me.”, “No wonder I’m alone.”, these are the things that shout trough her mind whenever she recalls her “regrets”. All she really wants is to relive them, they’re happy memories after all. She longs for them so much it hurts.

She shifts around and lies down staring at her phone, lost for what to do. She has to write off her feelings, but not in a way where people will know what’s going on. That would be a disaster. Going past all her social medias she finds none that fits and instead almost automatically checks her apps. Sifting trough her subscriptions only watching for a minute before clicking the next video. She’s looking for something to entertain her, to grab her, though she doesn’t know what.

It’s not like she has nothing to do, in fact there are plenty unfinished tasks that reach their deadline soon. Meanwhile she tries to escape herself and the world around her. Reading, writing, watching something, anything to keep from overthinking. Toxic to herself this has become her routine. Numbly repeating the same useless activities, clasping desperately to her sanity by walking on the edge of reality. While others compliment her strength she colapses all alone.

Silence can be a razor sharp blade…