Two actors meet

I feel like I don’t know the real you. I’ve heard of things you’ve done and things you hope to do, your lack of it rather. You’re hiding something. What makes me say that? It’s all too familiar. I know what’s like to put up an act so airtight, so desirable, that you convince yourself, lose yourself even. I might be wrong about this, but I feel like you’re running from something, like you’re afraid. I wouldn’t dare look at what I’m really like, always running from myself, hiding. So tell me, who are you? What do you really feel? What’s the cause of your fear? Why do you loathe who you are so much that only in fleeting moments when we’re alone or in late night texts I see you? That’s the person I’m falling for, though I have to admit your mask is pretty charming too. Let me in, be honest. Turn off the defense system, you can’t freak me out. There’s nothing you can do that will scare me off, hardly anything I haven’t been through or understand. I’ve been trying to show you me, I don’t do that with anyone. I know we weren’t exactly close before this, but I always knew you were different, different like me. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. You were never a threat, never a puzzle to understand, I inherently trust you. It frightens me and makes me feel safe.

But please tell me if you think I’m crossing a line or if you think I’m crazy. Don’t worry about hurting my feelings, I’d hate for you to do something you don’t want to just for me. There’s no need to lie about why you said no either. You don’t think we’d last till then do you? You think I won’t like you or that my feelings will pass. If I wanted a boyfriend or “some fun” as you like to call it, there are many easier ways to do it. Now, I did not choose my feelings for you, but I chose to act on them. I chose not to hide them in a dark corner of my mind until they’ve faded. I kissed back, I sought you out. I’m not being led by my feelings, I realise that you are worthy of them. I’ve had plenty cases where I was taken for granted, my feelings deemed irrelevant. But you, you care. You worry, you apologise, you initiate. I can call you any time of the day no matter the problem. You make me smile and you don’t feel as if it’s anything special. It is to me. You’re special to me and not in a special snowflake kinda way. You matter, and not just to me.

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Incoherent mess of negativity

I’m so tired of lying, faking and betraying everyone and everything I stood for. I’d love to drop the act and spill the truth and all the suffering I’ve been keeping inside, but…

I passed the point of no return an eternity ago and I’m stuck with the choices I’ve made and the ending I’ve earned. All I can do is play out my role and long for the time the curtain close one last time.


I can’t remember the last time I genuinely smiled, or what it feels like not to be afraid. I wonder if I’ve experienced happiness, all I know is 9 years of darkness and shard of the 8 years before. How am I still breathing?


Am I weak for not being able to give up, admit and accept what I have? Am I strong for being able to bear so much and still do what is expected of me?


“What’s wrong?” You wouldn’t understand. “Explain then.” How would I explain something that is built up over years, based on many disorders and I don’t even understand to someone as unbroken as you? I mean it when I say you won’t understand, I’m yet to find anyone who does. That’s why I can’t even call for help, I don’t know the problem.

Lost

wish

Regret, anxiety, weakness, loneliness, strength, knowledge, memories, attitude, overthinking, attachment, indecision, hope…

They’re just a few of the things that eat away at my mind. I often wonder how I manage it and then I realise I don’t. I’m not okay, I’m putting up an act. The people I lie to most are my parents, people of authority and myself. I’m broken but I keep on going, why?

Mood swings, switching personalities, uncontrollable desires, overall confusion, eating issues, flares of anger, the urge to run away, endless thirst, over and under sensitive senses, pains in randoms places, talking to myself out loud, detachment from time, low concentration, chronic headaches

So many symptoms I have to deal with daily, all alone. I don’t tell anyone about them but some will of course show in public. They’d worry and that’d stress me out more… or so I say but perhaps I’m just too afraid to try? Somehow I’m still alive, I guess I’m just too stubborn to give up, hehe.

Questions to the heart

Foolish little heart, have you no sense of what is wise?
Did you ever consider the consequences, the price?
Have you forgotten what you’ve put us trough?
How will I know my feelings to be true
When you can’t make a simple choice
As to whom we want to hold close

Nay, we know don’t we?
With whom we wish to be
You’d known all along
Twas I who was wrong
Seems we’re both the fool
For whom we love is cruel

Extraordinary in being and taste
Making talent go to waste
Chasing what I’ll never have
Forever beyond my grasp
I’ve gotten used to the pain
The pattern remains the same

Seems as though when I walk your path
I face the thorn of misfortune’s wrath
I’ve found no joy within love
Due to all the loath
Received from those that said
They’d love me till they’re dead

For what reason do I remain loyal
To one whom chaos will follow
How does thou lure time and time again
Back into the devils den?
It’s not my pain the bothers me
But that of others, set them free

Hurt me all you need
Spare them this deed
Of them I am unworthy
So why should they love me
We are to suffer alone
Tis what we’ve always done

Depressing header here

The art of lying

“Now tell me what you see.”

A vicious monster with a smile full of razor-sharp teeth, glowing eyes and horns on its head. His tail is like a dinosaur and his 6 limbs are big strong and deadly. His scales are covered in blood and remains of flesh are on his teeth.

“Butterfly.”

“Okay, how about this one?”

Someone hanging themselves, their neck already snapped and the chair almost fallen over. Eyes without the spark of life and limbs hanging numb. The room is dark but a lightning flash is illuminating this persons final moment

“Flower.”

“Hmm… last one.”

Order and chaos, the 2 parts of me. They’re like Yin and Yang, good and bad. Order is pictured angelic with an aureole and feathery wings. Her hair is long and straight, her clothes are white and dainty. Her eyes are friendly but shy and her pose is insecure. Chaos is rather devilish with horns and bat-like wings. Her hair is short and spike, her clothes brightly coloured and revealing. Her eyes are filled with anger and her pose is confident. Sometimes they each have their own body, other times they’re contrasting sides of one.

“Happy sisters.”

“Can you tell me more about these ‘sisters’ you see?”

She’s on to me, I guess that was inevitable. Still I won’t tell her the truth, nothing good comes from it. I’ll have to make up a believable story now, huh…

“Well… I think they’re sister. They look very alike and have similar hair. The one on the right is obviously the older one as she’s more worried and serious. I wonder where they’re going.”

“We’ll end it here for today, next time try to be honest. I can’t help you like this.”

Nobody can help me, plenty have tried. I’m alone in the darkness, you’re blinded by the light that I’ve turned my back to long ago. I’ve long since forgotten why I keep up these appearances, matter of habit I suppose.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about miss.”

“Of course, see you soon.”

“Bye.”

No wave of a hand, no hug. Nothing but empty words as I take my leave, back towards my own little world where I shut everything out. I wouldn’t say I’m happier there but it takes a lot less effort. I’m always so tired after this, no I’m just always tired. Tired of being tired, a vicious cycle. A set pattern much like the questions. Same question, same answer, same response.


“How are you feeling?”

Like I have the weight of the world on my eyelids, as if my muscles have been reduced to dust. My brain must have been charred in in flames and my emotions are at war. I haven’t eaten well for longer than I can remember and I’m not even hungry, I’m ever thirsty but can hardly drink when I get a hold of something to do so. Sleep is a luxury and so is free time.

“I guess I’m okay.”

“So, things are getting better?”

I’ve never felt so low, so alone. More and more anxiety, stress and problems are crushing me. I’m starting to doubt if it ever will ‘get better’. Every day is worse than the last and this downward spiral only has one definitive end.

“You could say that, yeah.”

“What about school, doing alright?”

I’m swamped with homework, I’ve been sorting out shit that others should have done for me in my free periods. My new class is great but they’re equally broken, we’re all suicidal kids telling each other that suicide isn’t the answer. It takes way too much energy out of me and I barely have time for hobbies.

“I’ll live.”

“Ah, no worries, you’re smart. You’ve done the first half before, that should give you an advantage.

Do you have a crush on anyone at the moment?”

My heart has been and still gets broken by a guy I can’t get over. He fucks with my head and I keep coming back. Even after we kissed, no he kissed me, he put me in the friend zone. Meanwhile I have crushes on people I’ll never dare tell and even if I did my heart wouldn’t have healed enough yet. It’s so hard to get over love, I’d rather not have it at all.

“No, no real crushes at the moment. Seems I finally caught a break.”

“Come on, someone will swoop you off your feet soon enough.”

“Right…”

“How about you? How’s life?”

I let them talk and feign interest but in reality I’m back in my little dreamworld, my jumble of thoughts. I don’t much care for them but they don’t know. If I was asked to save one person out of everyone I know, my reply will be a question. Does my cat count as a person?

“Want to go to X with me (date here)?”

Going to places I don’t like, doing things that don’t have my interest. I’d much rather escape to my room with my wifi access and comfort food. People exhaust me and I’d rather go alone. What use would I be anyway, it’s not like I’m fun to be around…

“My parents already planned something on that date, sorry.”

“Oh, well maybe next time.”