Incoherent mess of negativity

I’m so tired of lying, faking and betraying everyone and everything I stood for. I’d love to drop the act and spill the truth and all the suffering I’ve been keeping inside, but…

I passed the point of no return an eternity ago and I’m stuck with the choices I’ve made and the ending I’ve earned. All I can do is play out my role and long for the time the curtain close one last time.


I can’t remember the last time I genuinely smiled, or what it feels like not to be afraid. I wonder if I’ve experienced happiness, all I know is 9 years of darkness and shard of the 8 years before. How am I still breathing?


Am I weak for not being able to give up, admit and accept what I have? Am I strong for being able to bear so much and still do what is expected of me?


“What’s wrong?” You wouldn’t understand. “Explain then.” How would I explain something that is built up over years, based on many disorders and I don’t even understand to someone as unbroken as you? I mean it when I say you won’t understand, I’m yet to find anyone who does. That’s why I can’t even call for help, I don’t know the problem.

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Rememory

All I am to you is a memory.

But you are so much more. You were the air I breathed, the words I spoke, my dreams, my reality and everything that kept me going. Now I’m running on fumes, can’t find my words, hardly sleep, out of touch with reality and struggle to keep moving.

But all I am to you is a memory, someone along your journey, someone that held your interest, who made you smile, who stood by your side when you needed me, who you abandoned to chase after what you valued more.

You were my everything and I was just someone.

I’d like to say I’ve recovered, that I’m alright now, but at times I still flinch and my mind still wanders to the times we shared together. One day your name will be an unfamiliar sound, our memories part of my journey, your words forgotten and my pain dissolved.

One day all you’ll be to me is a memory, just someone.

Not today.

Heartfixed

Is it still denial when you know it is? I wonder if it’s a protective measure I’ve accidentally triggered. Why bother protecting myself from the unavoidable hurt? To have one more day, where everything goes right? It’s unrealistic and I know it yet my mind can’t seem to stop creating surreally realistic scenarios that keep me from focusing. They all happen because you’re leaving, but we never say goodbye. It’s always like it’s a chapter that’s been misplaced, like it belongs further on. After all this time I spent, waiting and having my emotions played with even in my imagination we don’t end up together, at least not now.

I must have the cycle of grief all messed up; First I got depressed, then I was angry, after which was acceptance, followed by bargaining and now denial. Then again a broken heart wouldn’t be the same grief, but I’m not broken. I’m fine, I feel better than I have in weeks. When the day does come I’m sure I’ll collapse. When will I see you again? Will I manage to say I love you? Will I wait for you? Will you wait for me? We don’t know what the future holds but I want to enjoy what little time we have. Even if it is just one more day I’ll try my best to make it perfect. You did tell me to make my “dreams” come true, but are you sure you’re up for it?

You know, I read through our old messages. I must admit I’ve been quite obsessed, I still have all your pictures and plenty of screenshots I took along the way. Most of it made me crack a smile, I bet it must have at the time too, but I could also read the pain some of your messages caused me and I figure I must have done the same. Either I’m convincing myself of a pretty lie or everything makes sense now. I feel awakened and can now keep from obsessing like I used to. You’re still a bad kisser regardless, but I still wouldn’t mind doing it again, hell I could teach you. Isn’t that ironic, you who gave me my first kiss, to be taught how to kiss by me? It probably won’t happen but it can’t hurt to imagine, not anymore. It’s pathetic how I cried over the many what-if happy-end scenarios I used to create, but it was all I knew.

The one thing that still stings is that I so clearly get how you feel, we’re both in love with someone we can’t be with and though we try so desperatly to fall for another we keep turning back. “Why did you come back, I thought I broke your heart? I told you not to wait for me, you should have gotten over me.” I can imagine you saying and I have my perfect reply ready. “You of all people should know how hard it is to get over someone even when they’re no good for you.” I’m tired of “you can do better” and “he doesn’t deserve you” when all I want is you. You’re far from perfect, but so am I. Both a broken mess with different ways of escape. More than friends but not exactly dating, it’s complicated…

All I want for christmas is…

…for my family not to fight for once
…to not starve over complex food I don’t like
…for school to realise holidays are for relaxing and recovering, not for work
…for radios to stop endlessly replaying the same old songs
…for nobody to black out from alcohol
…that December was over already
…that we actually got a white christmas for once
…not having to watch christmas movies
…not having to pretend I care about people I only see once a year
…the freedom to spend my time with whoever I like
…the right to walk around in pjs without anyone caring
…lots of chocolate
…to experience happy holidays
…to be able to forget all my worries and celebrate
…that I get to be with the ones I love
…that judgement and disagreements are put aside
…to feel significant
…to have no reason to cry

Questions to the heart

Foolish little heart, have you no sense of what is wise?
Did you ever consider the consequences, the price?
Have you forgotten what you’ve put us trough?
How will I know my feelings to be true
When you can’t make a simple choice
As to whom we want to hold close

Nay, we know don’t we?
With whom we wish to be
You’d known all along
Twas I who was wrong
Seems we’re both the fool
For whom we love is cruel

Extraordinary in being and taste
Making talent go to waste
Chasing what I’ll never have
Forever beyond my grasp
I’ve gotten used to the pain
The pattern remains the same

Seems as though when I walk your path
I face the thorn of misfortune’s wrath
I’ve found no joy within love
Due to all the loath
Received from those that said
They’d love me till they’re dead

For what reason do I remain loyal
To one whom chaos will follow
How does thou lure time and time again
Back into the devils den?
It’s not my pain the bothers me
But that of others, set them free

Hurt me all you need
Spare them this deed
Of them I am unworthy
So why should they love me
We are to suffer alone
Tis what we’ve always done