Crazy Painscale

I’m struggling with how I’m dealing with my grief; despite how horrible it is I still feel a thousand times better than when I was in my exam year… And that feels wrong. If I had to rate 0-10 it would probably be about a 6 or a 7? Whereas exam year was definitely an 11. I’m not saying I’m not hurting or that I didn’t love her, but with everything I’ve been through my standards are just so extreme. The fact that I even feel anything at all surprised me as a good sign. I’ve been numb so long, I thought I no longer had a shot at a normal emotional (reactionary) range. A sick twisted part of me still calls this whole thing Karma, telling me I have no right to the good things I’ve been experiencing. A naive innocent part of me still hasn’t fully accepted it, it expects to see her again. Once again I’m torn between myself but in a new somehow crueller way. Can’t I ever catch a break?

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Heartfixed

Is it still denial when you know it is? I wonder if it’s a protective measure I’ve accidentally triggered. Why bother protecting myself from the unavoidable hurt? To have one more day, where everything goes right? It’s unrealistic and I know it yet my mind can’t seem to stop creating surreally realistic scenarios that keep me from focusing. They all happen because you’re leaving, but we never say goodbye. It’s always like it’s a chapter that’s been misplaced, like it belongs further on. After all this time I spent, waiting and having my emotions played with even in my imagination we don’t end up together, at least not now.

I must have the cycle of grief all messed up; First I got depressed, then I was angry, after which was acceptance, followed by bargaining and now denial. Then again a broken heart wouldn’t be the same grief, but I’m not broken. I’m fine, I feel better than I have in weeks. When the day does come I’m sure I’ll collapse. When will I see you again? Will I manage to say I love you? Will I wait for you? Will you wait for me? We don’t know what the future holds but I want to enjoy what little time we have. Even if it is just one more day I’ll try my best to make it perfect. You did tell me to make my “dreams” come true, but are you sure you’re up for it?

You know, I read through our old messages. I must admit I’ve been quite obsessed, I still have all your pictures and plenty of screenshots I took along the way. Most of it made me crack a smile, I bet it must have at the time too, but I could also read the pain some of your messages caused me and I figure I must have done the same. Either I’m convincing myself of a pretty lie or everything makes sense now. I feel awakened and can now keep from obsessing like I used to. You’re still a bad kisser regardless, but I still wouldn’t mind doing it again, hell I could teach you. Isn’t that ironic, you who gave me my first kiss, to be taught how to kiss by me? It probably won’t happen but it can’t hurt to imagine, not anymore. It’s pathetic how I cried over the many what-if happy-end scenarios I used to create, but it was all I knew.

The one thing that still stings is that I so clearly get how you feel, we’re both in love with someone we can’t be with and though we try so desperatly to fall for another we keep turning back. “Why did you come back, I thought I broke your heart? I told you not to wait for me, you should have gotten over me.” I can imagine you saying and I have my perfect reply ready. “You of all people should know how hard it is to get over someone even when they’re no good for you.” I’m tired of “you can do better” and “he doesn’t deserve you” when all I want is you. You’re far from perfect, but so am I. Both a broken mess with different ways of escape. More than friends but not exactly dating, it’s complicated…

Unique eyes open

Today, for the first time in years, I felt pretty. Not because anyone told me, not because I finally looked like a model and not because I’ve covered myself in layers of makeup. I just looked in the mirror and was shocked to find I didn’t hate what I saw, in fact I liked what I saw. I could look past the flaws that were hiding a beauty, no they had a beauty of their own. My eyes were no longer an odd color, they were unique and mysterious. Looking back at me was a survivor, someone who’s to be appreciated. Sure I’m not perfect and not everyone will think I’m beautiful, but as long as I can appreciate myself I’ll survive the imperfection.

This girl had always stood on the other side of the mirror but I couldn’t see her, I’d see a distorted Image as if the lense of the camera was smudged. I strived for perfection and to be normal, but that was never a realistic goal. I think now that I’m learning to accept myself I can spend the energy normally wasted on things that work towards the future, together with my newfound me. I wonder of this is how other people had seen me all along, but that doesn’t really matter right now.

Anouk S Borsboom

Caring, Crying, Creating

The end of the walking dead, life is strange, Okami and many others have made me cry. Not just games but movies, anime, books, worlds with fictional characters you get attached to and hate to see die. I used to hate crying over such “unimportant” things, but that time has passed. When you can’t cry anymore for your own story it can be nice to let go of all the cropped up feelings which have been stuck.

Why I care more for figments of imagination than reality? Because I was (with) them along their journey and witnessed everything they had to bare and everyone that they lost or had beside them. In my life I feel like one of those side characters, supporting the star of the story. I help out when things get though and people can choose to trust and care for me… or not.

Perhaps I don’t see the value in myself, think I’m pathetic for crying over myself when honestly sometimes I’d love but tears just won’t come. They say one who can’t cry is weak but how can I be weak after all I’ve lived through, I’m still standing and finally I’m getting side characters of my own, people who care. Yet my emotions are still a mess and I push away my pain to the back of my mind. “I have to keep going” or “there’s no time to recover” or worst of all “just grin and bear it” they’ve become automatic lies I tell myself and for what?

Responsibility this, moving on that, from what i hear adulthood sounds like an awful thing. We get excused for being teens or even kids, we still have to learn, there’s always adults watching our backs. One day though, we’ll be adults ourself and we’ll have to do everything ourselves. No more safety gear and supervision, just a net spread out across the abyss in case things really go to shit. I’m not scared, I don’t yearn for the past, neither do I look forward to the future. I just roll with the moment and don’t plan too far ahead since things never go according to plan anyway.

So for now I cry over silly things, because I can. Until I learn to become truly strong I’ll keep getting hurt and I’ll keep fighting back. No more hiding into fantasy worlds, instead taking them as a lesson for my own adventure which still awaits…

Staring outside

3 years

Long hair, dead eyes and a gaze locked on the ground
Lost in her own world with no one around
Silent and frail, Invisible to the crowds
No one sees her screaming out
Someone save me, I’m falling apart
Her pleading remains unheard
She crumbles as time flows past
How much longer will she last

Even I didn’t see her and she did not recognise me
How huge the difference 3 years make can be
I’d like to tell her tales of what’s to come
How much she had in her all along
Even my success has had its price
Still happiness is on the rise
Finally escaping the world of shadows
Climbing out of the ravine so low

Younger me don’t fear
Times of adventure are here
Boredom ends and life begins
In the end perseverance wins
Much will be unknown to you
But you’ll know what to do
Prepare for change, prepare for difficulty
Survive and you’ll be strong like me

Beware of darkness it still lurks
Treasure individuality and your quirks
For friends will come to  find you
They will understand you’re true
Supporting you along the way
Life takes people to play

This rollercoaster keeps on goin’
Even for me it’s unknown
Where it will take us
But you should know this
Your future lies ahead
Now get off of your bed
Change takes effort and dedication
Don’t give up or lose your patience