00:45

Tonight, though a little uncommon but not entirely unusual, I spent my evening online listening to music and doing whatever my short attention span could focus on. I would sometimes tear my eyes from the screen and look up at the stars, letting my thoughts run wild after having been reeled in for the majority of the day. As usual, I stumbled across negativity, but unlike most days I closed my tab and basked in my surprisingly good mood. Why shouldn’t I? After all, it’s a rare event.

It’s so much easier to take shit when you’re not already feeling like shit.

Today was a good day, not perfect but pretty damn awesome to my standards.

I probably won’t ever tell you, but I love you. Not romantically,¬†not platonically, it’s something calm and beautiful¬†instead, different entirely from anything I’ve felt before. You gave me something I didn’t know I needed, something that drowned out my inner loneliness and shed a light on what I’m worth.

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Incoherent mess of negativity

I’m so tired of lying, faking and betraying everyone and everything I stood for. I’d love to drop the act and spill the truth and all the suffering I’ve been keeping inside, but…

I passed the point of no return an eternity ago and I’m stuck with the choices I’ve made and the ending I’ve earned. All I can do is play out my role and long for the time the curtain close one last time.


I can’t remember the last time I genuinely smiled, or what it feels like not to be afraid. I wonder if I’ve experienced happiness, all I know is 9 years of darkness and shard of the 8 years before. How am I still breathing?


Am I weak for not being able to give up, admit and accept what I have? Am I strong for being able to bear so much and still do what is expected of me?


“What’s wrong?” You wouldn’t understand. “Explain then.” How would I explain something that is built up over years, based on many disorders and I don’t even understand to someone as unbroken as you? I mean it when I say you won’t understand, I’m yet to find anyone who does. That’s why I can’t even call for help, I don’t know the problem.

Random

The word people use to describe me combined with shy fun and different, but what is random? Random means something done without a reason, without logic. Humans can’t do something random and because humans make machines nothing is actually random, everything has some logic to it. People call it random because they don’t see the logic, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Animals just follow their insticts which are there for a reason. Everything happens for a reason, there’s logic to everything, we just don’t always understand.

I tend to switch topic, well that’s what others say. I connect the current topic to a memory to link that to something I want the others to know and that’s the part they miss. This is called the missing link, some can easily be abridged (like the ones used in books) and others take more time or will never be found out (crimes). As soon as you have the link you understand.

I do not research anything before writing a blog, I just picked it up along the way. See? Missing link: this might seem professional. I just experienced something or have a bright moment and so I start typing, it’s annoying though that I can’t type as fast as I think. I am smart I won’t deny it but I don’t like saying that. I’m not gradesmart I am lifesmart, I like to call myself a connector; I connect events to find the best way to proceed. I’m not perfect though, don’t get me wrong. I still learn everyday, more on days like today than on school days. In school the just stuff you with facts and expect you to know them of by heart or whatever.the expression might be. Life lesson, skills that actually get you somewhere, are learned in the real world where not everyone has a fair chance and people act rational.

I’m getting off track as usual, with my “wisdom”. It’s hilarious how many people think I’m at least 16, just by my way of writing and acting even though I’m 14, almost 15. But what is age other than a definate number? It doesn’t say anything about you other than the time you’ve spend on earth. That’s why I don’t care, I believe in relative age, for how far can you support yourself. I have older friends and younger friends of which all selected for a reason. I can be a different part of me with every one of them. People change the way you act and the other way arround. It’s the best to stay true to yourself for as far as you can but no one is pure.

I’ve tried changing myself to have more friends, acting like someone I wasn’t. I stopped after a while, I wanted to be me. Some of them left, they only like the caracter I was playing. So don’t be afraid to show the true you! Yeah you might have more friends if you act like someone you’re not but do they like you or the person you’re pretending to be?

Okay time to wrap this up. Was this blog random? X Anouk

Random latenight thoughts

Time is just an illusion, a rule made by humans, mortals, designed to keep order. Time is not price, nature doesnt follow time, nhor does what lies beyond. I find myself being complety calm up into core during enlightend moments like this, body doesnt matter, doesnt feel, language is just a barier to be breached by feelings. I have a destiny, even though unfound it lies ahead, my life has been decided, I am merley here to follow the play, the rules. Every life has a purpose and all has been planned, not by a limited power like a god or a spirit, destiny is a natural cause. The big bang happend for a reason, life happend for a reason. I feel I am losing the feeling, doubt, stress tiredness is what I’m left with and the latest of thoughts. Poethic and pholosphical this might seem, but I am not an average havebeen drepressed girl. But the permission to spread the story behind it is not mine to give.

Breathing in, breathing out, every breath could be my last. Wouldn’t it be terrible dying after graduating, having gone to school dor years to die without living?!

My mind is greater then many can imagine, sealed behind tragedys caused by fate, I have learned to live with it. In speaking, writing and drawing my story is hidden, I am waiting for the one that finds it, the other destined one. I have a reason I don’t want to be polpular, a reason I don’t want just a girl/boyfriend. They can’t know me unless they are doomed as well. Caught in societys web with only one way out: working until the spider comes to eat you.
Humans havent been truly free for ages, trapping themselfs and other creatures in their “great” world. Ha, a project doomes to fail from the start, a test project, a first try, killing themselfs.

Grades don’t say anything about intelegence it tells you about memorizing and studying skills. I am not an A* student, I am happy with a C but I am the one that uses the knowledge in life, I am the one rhat uses the difficult words. School doesn’t focus on intellegent students, it focusus on studyers, nerds. If only there was someone out there capeable of understanding me. I have thoughts, problems, feelings that can’t be described in words in any langauge.

Many will not have understuud this post, this outburst of philosphy and enlightment, don’t worry, I won’t either tommorrow morning, I’m a nightperson, this is my time…

X Anouk