Breakfast, lunch, dinner, sleep, repeat

I feel like I’m in free fall, desperately trying to find a way to fly again, but like to find a way to hit the ground. Uselessly spending my time on things that don’t hold my interest to not do the responsible things I should. Canceling plans that no longer exite me.

Mood swings have me feeling fragile and ready to break. Thoughts jittering around out of control, with no way to follow. Cravings are high but a tatget is missing. Feelings fading in and out at minimal volume that swap suddenly to levels that make your ears bleed.

Trying to hold on to the things that allow me to keep living is ever harder than it seems. I’m not blind to pressure, just infinitely sadder. Unable to say “Help, somebody save me!” without a clue to what from. Seeking solitude and company at the same time.

Nothing is ever good, enough especially not me. Doubt is everywhere, when really I need certainty. Fear has me scared to change after too many close calls. I don’t know, I don’t know, I, don’t, know…


I has a sad

It wasn’t a very special moment, I was just watching anime and reading fanfic, yet suddenly it all started to process. I started crying, slow, silent, hesitant. I quickly realised it wouldn’t stop there and got into the shower, I had to anyone, I told myself. With my head under the warm water the dam burst. Snotting and coughing and crying fast enough to match the downpour of the shower. It must have looked really ugly and sounded like someone was dying, but I needed it. I kept turning up the warmth until it still felt a little hot when I remained under it. I pushed aside my fear of getting water up my nose and let it run down my face. That fact that it drowned out most noises was the best part.

I was out of breath by the time I’d thrown most of my cropped of emotions out. Most? More like enough. If I wanted to let it all out I’d have to scream and destroy and exhaust myself through more physical measure. At a certain point, I was just crying to cry, not because of the things that made me anxious, angry, afraid or even disappointed.

Eventually, I got up like someone very uncertain of their stability and washed my hair. When that was all done I turned the water temperature as low as our shower goes, which is close to my normal temperature, and it was definitely a shock to my system but I felt like a lot of stuff literally washed off me.

Got out dryed off without caring what style my hair would be in and put on a baggy sweater and sweatpants. Didn’t even bother with contacts and grabbed my glasses instead. So now I look like I’ve gotten to the point in studying where you don’t care about your apppearance anymore while in reality my escapes ran out and things came crashing down. Maybe I can actually get some studying done again, huh.


Hmm? A sensation emanates from somewhere. I must have imagined it. It comes again, disturbing the emptiness. I feel something burning, it gets stronger. Leave me alone, let me go back to before the pain. Relentlessly it bothers me. The pain in my lungs and head increase. Wait, head? Lungs? The pain spread from those 2 central points until I feel… my body? My head feels like it’s about to explode and I move my hands from my knees and place them across my ears trying to reduce the pressure.

Where am I? Why does it hurt? Once again the sensation, like a ripple coming from above. I open my eyes as my senses awaken trying to locate the source. I look above and see a girl submerged in water cradling her knees, eyes closed. She slowly seems to awaken, pressed her palms against her head and then looks straight back at me. She stretches out towards me and I mirror her. My arm alone isn’t long enough so I get onto my knees despite protest from sore muscles.

We inch closer and closer until our fingers touch. I am flooded with images of the girl. Her childhood, how she was lost to darkness, how she fell in this pit, how she couldn’t find an exit, how the water rose and nearly drowned her, her giving up and sinking to the bottom ready to disappear into nothingness. Then my fingers breach the surface and the girl fades. I stand up and as my head surfaces I take a deep breath, that feels good. The pain lessens, my mind starts to clear.

I cough up a fluid streaked red… blood. The water suddenly feels strangely cold and I try to see the end to this basin of water but my eyes only see darkness. Hadn’t it been fuller? What had it really been that disturbed the quiet? how did it get in? Is there a way out? I just start wading in a random direction, hoping to find a change.

After an eternity of walking I’ve achieved nothing, this place seems to have no end. Yet the water is now lower than it was before, where it had come to my shoulders earlier it now lurks at hip level. My hair has dried and my lungs and head are no longer painful but my muscles still protest my every move. I decide to rest for a bit, it might earn me some relief.

The memories seem like those of a different person, I don’t feel connected to them whatsoever. People I used to know are just faces with names, events that happened seem like movies with someone else playing the lead and feelings seemed to have dissolved like sugar in water.

I wake up with my throat aching, my muscles still sore and my body feeling heavy. The water is barely up to my ankles now. Water… I scoop some up with my hands and drink. It’s salty, the taste is familiar. The weight of the loneliness is starting to crush me and I feel tears rolling down my cheeks. I accidentally swallow some as I wail. It tastes the same as the water I’d scooped up…


God I hate them, ruining your day for no reason at all! Or make your day depending on what they say: If it’s about you smelling bad you want to kill the person that started it, but if it’s about your crush liking you you will probably hug the person who told the secret to death.

I had a weird case: After football practise this girl comes up to me and asks “Is it true that Friend is your boyfriend?!” No I replied, we’re just friends, who said that?! “I don’t know, it’s just a rumour, I also asked C, he said no as well.” Later that day I asked Friend what he knew about the rumour and I was surprised by what he told me;”Girl asked my as well, but she said you told her I was your boyfriend. I kept saying it isn’t true but she wouldn’t stop” At least it isn’t true and we know it. “Yeah, maybe someday, you never know what happens ;-)” . I was surprised about the fact I have 2 different stories and that Friend said that it might happen. I managed to sneakily ask whether he thought we would fit together and he said: “I think so…” Little does he know I have a crush on him!

Anyway… there’s not much you can do to prevent rumours, just ignore them and never belive them. People have killed themselfs because of rumours! x Anouk