I has a sad

It wasn’t a very special moment, I was just watching anime and reading fanfic, yet suddenly it all started to process. I started crying, slow, silent, hesitant. I quickly realised it wouldn’t stop there and got into the shower, I had to anyone, I told myself. With my head under the warm water the dam burst. Snotting and coughing and crying fast enough to match the downpour of the shower. It must have looked really ugly and sounded like someone was dying, but I needed it. I kept turning up the warmth until it still felt a little hot when I remained under it. I pushed aside my fear of getting water up my nose and let it run down my face. That fact that it drowned out most noises was the best part.

I was out of breath by the time I’d thrown most of my cropped of emotions out. Most? More like enough. If I wanted to let it all out I’d have to scream and destroy and exhaust myself through more physical measure. At a certain point, I was just crying to cry, not because of the things that made me anxious, angry, afraid or even disappointed.

Eventually, I got up like someone very uncertain of their stability and washed my hair. When that was all done I turned the water temperature as low as our shower goes, which is close to my normal temperature, and it was definitely a shock to my system but I felt like a lot of stuff literally washed off me.

Got out dryed off without caring what style my hair would be in and put on a baggy sweater and sweatpants. Didn’t even bother with contacts and grabbed my glasses instead. So now I look like I’ve gotten to the point in studying where you don’t care about your apppearance anymore while in reality my escapes ran out and things came crashing down. Maybe I can actually get some studying done again, huh.


It’s never their fault

Reports, something I never look forward to. They’re another punch in the face after you’ve already surrendered. Unbalanced grades paint a skewed image and mixed effort comments blame me for not being an emotionless robot. When I read it and tears rolled down my cheeks I couldn’t help but want to shout back at these accusations hidden behind mandatory text.

I’m sorry for having things going on in my life outside the weekly 40-hour torture you put me through.
I’m sorry for being a teenager with hormones who will inevitably make many mistakes.
I’m sorry that I don’t spend every minute of the meagre 4 hours I have left of any weekday doing home works, assignments and essays.
I’m sorry for trying to comply with the extra-curricular demands you’ve put on me.
I’m sorry for having a job to save money for my future, the very future you keep going on about me ruining.
I’m sorry I show up to class tired from all the migraines, panic attacks, and nightmares from the stress you’ve put on me.
I’m sorry for not giving a shit about your irrelevant homework because a major deadline demands my full attention.
I’m sorry I spend your classes doing assignments or trying to deal with my ever growing mental health issues while you go on not teaching me a damn thing.
I’m sorry for showing up against my better judgement because if my attendance is too low I’ll fail.
I’m sorry for pretending I’m fine since you don’t seem to care either way.
I’m sorry for not trying my best on things I’m normally good at because all my efforts have gone into trying to meet the standards elsewhere.
I’m sorry my assignment is overdue because I almost killed myself the other night, but unfortunately kept on fighting.
I’m sorry I go to 1 out of every 5 parties I’m invited to because I need something to get my mind off of things.
I’m sorry I didn’t do anything over the holidays, those things were totally not invented to take a break from all the work I’m expected to deliver.
I’m sorry what I wrote is sassy as fuck and salty as hell on a topic you have never heard of just so I could actually hand something in.

You know what, I’m not sorry at all. I’m trying my fucking best to survive this hellish education and come out looking good to future employment you’ve taught me nothing on. I don’t need your pity, your bitching or your help. I need you to understand and see that maybe, had you been better at your job, I wouldn’t have been so obviously HUMAN.

What it’s like to lose your mind

I just started writing this during a moment of going crazy. Just typing away my every thought. Times like these aren’t unusual to me but still relatively rare so don’t think I’m like this all the time.

Lost, broken, off balance. What matters? What do I have to do? What am I doing? What’s next? I feel like I’ve been placed in a fantasy world. I don’t belong. It’s so familiar. It’s so alien. Tears burn in my eyes but don’t come. My head is on fire, my hands are frozen. Nothing is comfortable. I want hide, to escape. Curl up in a ball and never wake up. I eat all the food I love. Cuddle my cat. Relive happy times. What does tomorrow matter? We’re all going to die anyway. My mind is a mess but at least it’s silent. There’s just dread, darkness. No… there’s still choices. Still voices that wont shut up. SHUT UP! Insanity, is this insanity? Losing it? I’m detached from myself, my hands moving without the slightest thought. Just my words being recorded, letter for letter, word for word. I can hear my breathing, I can feel my heart. I’m alone. There’s just me, stuck in this body. Overwhelmed by feelings. Numb, uncontrolled. Sometimes unable to form coherent sentences. Noises disturb me. I can feel the borders of my body. I can see the limits of my mind. I must be delirious. Shaking, disorientated. Why? Just why? The odds are never in our favour. I’m breaking my promises with myself. i can’t seem to do my work, the things I have to. I don’t want to fail again, I can’t. I am stronger than that. I have to win. I’m not giving up again. I hate expectations. I hate not meeting expectations. I’m horrible at choosing. Feelings confuse me, especially “good” ones. I stopped looking at the screen a while ago. I just stare at the letters as my mind connects them into words. Don’t bother for the spelling, we have autocorrect for that. This must be a pain to read but honestly this “mood” is a pain to be in, so deal with it. Who am I? What am I doing? I’m lost. I can’t ask for help. They don’t understand. I tried help last time. It made it worse. I wanna sleep. I’m not tired. The book is almost finished but I have more to read. There’s anime left too. I should write on my stories more. Today has been a weird day. Can I go back to keeping up my act tomorrow? Can I face him? What about the other one? I need chocolate. I shouldn’t eat so much bad stuff. I’m spending too much money. My dad’s birthday is soon, he needs a present. Gotta pick up the girls after school tomorrow, I’ll have to stay longer. Tomorrow is such a long day already. Now I really gotta make sure school doesn’t find my blog. They’ll take me off IB immediately. I’m not crazy. I can do this. It’s almost eleven… don’t think I can sleep before then. I’ll be up until after midnight. Is my insomnia returning. Will the monsters be there? Dora is so cute, I’d love to trade with her for her simple life, but she’d ruin mine. Being a ca is so easy: sleep, eat, get cuddled, eat again, sleep. I love cats. I don’t like the clothes I’m wearing, they’re not my style. Not comfy enough. Not like I have much choice with todays awful fashion. Kakashi. People wouldn’t miss my absence from tumblr right? I wonder how soon they expect me to put out a new chapter for my popular fanfic. The last one isn’t even finished yet. I don’t want to worry anyone. I’m worried myself. I don’t want this. Why can’t I be happy? Or at least less like… this. My back hurts, I’m too lazy to move. Motivation is a hard thing for me. I can work hard when I have to. I have a test tomorrow. I didn’t give in the Geography homework yet. What about that weird thing for english. I hate being in trouble. I hate disappointing. I’m not a real pessimist, I’m an optimist that has been disappointed too much. My hair looks silly, I should have kept that strand in the braid. I wish it was longer.

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The effect of Affecting others

She didn’t understand the question, nor what she didn’t get. Crying in a math class is the lowest you can get. I asked her if she was okay, she said she had a bad day and it had nothing to do with math. These phrases, these actions all too familiar. I was afraid to confront her in class for seeming intrusive but I kept an eye on her for the remainder of the day. At least she has friends around her… but so did I, or at least I thought.

This struck me hard, I didn’t want anyone to experience the horror of dropping out trough mental pressure. When I came home I was hesitant to message her, though I had her number. I ended up eating first but after that the idea had seemingly wedged itself between my thoughts. I messaged her, telling bluntly I was concerned and that I wanted to help. She once again claimed being fine but after a fun little conversation she ended on saying she appreciated my concern. It really was like talking to a younger me and it was amazing and terrifying at the same time. Still that was the start of a building friendship and I don’t regret “saving” her.

She’s not the first case of my overactive concern for others, but certainly one of the more successful “rescues”. I often sit at the same spot in school during lunch and free periods and every now and then there would be another girl there. She’s most likely one grade below me and I noticed cuts on her wrist and not just a few. My best friend and I made it our task to watch out for her and try to get her help, though we both know it’s a very delicate subject. So far my friend has managed to start helping her out with homework and I sometimes sit next to her when we have shared free periods.

I know we can’t save everyone here and that’s not my plan but if we can prevent a few people from ending up fighting such a disorder I’ll be happy. School does nothing for people like us and so we have to take that role and it’s much more rewarding seeing someone appreciate even your presence than getting a good grade.

ARC, act of random kindness, that’s what we do. I’ve started doing more of them even if they seem trivial at times the effects are so positive. I’m really starting to feel like I’m bringing about change to this school or at least it’s community. Teachers know and acknowledge me, my creative and often unusual ideas are like war tales told to new classes. Seems just being me isn’t so bad a thing after all 🙂

A little victory

Today the decision for change school program have been finalised and I’m so happy (a rare thing) and I will celebrate soon with a visit to a nearby sushi place with my best friend (and my mom :/).

Here’s the situation:
I started IB (International Baceloreate) CP (certificate program) this year, it is a practical-academic program aimed to get you into apprenticeships. Last year I started IB DP (diploma program) usually just known as IB, it’s recognised around the world and super academic. However it was too stressfull and I was underprepared after IGCSE (International Genreal certificate of Secondary Education) which was easy.
I quickly discovered that CP was below my level and the class was people that didn’t fit into DP and I wished to change. School wasn’t too thrilled and made me wait 2 weeks filled with ridiculous reasons before finally saying yes today!

I will join DP tomorrow and follow it for the coming 2 years to get my diploma, after that I wish to travel the world and study… something. It’s a big change and not many would make it but I felt so strongly about it I was prepared to go trough the stress of changing. This is proof that not giving up can really get you what you want (sometimes)

Anyway… I just wanted to let out this happy message and this fitting poem

Same same, but different
Finally they listened
Back to what I know
Feels like coming home

For now I celebrate
Though a little late
Work will have to be done
But for now let’s have some fun

This time I’ll win
Now I can begin
IB Diploma is my goal
Now I’ll give my all