What is “true”?

“Because everything you’ve believed to be true is a blatant lie.”
What do you mean? Of course my parents are my parents. I’m definitely Human. This is not a dream, how can it be? If I’m dead how do you explain my pain, my thoughts and feelings? You’ve got to be joking. Is this some kind of prank? It’s not funny. Stop fucking with me. You’re a filthy liar! This can’t be! I mean how can everything be a lie? Even all my memories? Will I ever be able to return to this “lie”? Why did you have to tell me this? I was fine where I was. It wasn’t exactly a happy lie but this feels so hollow. My whole world has collapsed. Everyone I cared about, everything I was going to do... It’s really true? All of it? No way… how could I have never noticed? So what happens now? What is true? Who am I? What am I? Where are we?

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

5 Stages of loss, but what if it really did turn out that all you believed wasn’t true? That the world as you knew it was a farce? That there were higher evil powers at play? Could you handle the sheer devastation of your wasted effort? Would you be able to accept the new truth or desperately try to get back to what you knew and pretend you never learned “the truth”?

I know my curiosity’d get the better of me and try to learn of this truth and piece by piece lose my connecting to the comfortable lie I knew. If everything was a lie anyway there’s no reason to stick to it. At least I hope I’ll be able to let go like that, I already struggle with letting go of my past as it is. Beyond any reason why I lived a lie I’d want to know how on earth it was maintained. Besides will I wake up in a machine or something or am I not going anywhere?

I suppose the closest feeling i’ll ever get is after finishing a good anime or book and you just don’t know what to with your life anymore. When everything seems so meaningless and you ponder your existence. What if I was just a character in a very complex book? What is reality?
Maybe that’s just me though, hehe.


What it’s like to lose your mind

I just started writing this during a moment of going crazy. Just typing away my every thought. Times like these aren’t unusual to me but still relatively rare so don’t think I’m like this all the time.

Lost, broken, off balance. What matters? What do I have to do? What am I doing? What’s next? I feel like I’ve been placed in a fantasy world. I don’t belong. It’s so familiar. It’s so alien. Tears burn in my eyes but don’t come. My head is on fire, my hands are frozen. Nothing is comfortable. I want hide, to escape. Curl up in a ball and never wake up. I eat all the food I love. Cuddle my cat. Relive happy times. What does tomorrow matter? We’re all going to die anyway. My mind is a mess but at least it’s silent. There’s just dread, darkness. No… there’s still choices. Still voices that wont shut up. SHUT UP! Insanity, is this insanity? Losing it? I’m detached from myself, my hands moving without the slightest thought. Just my words being recorded, letter for letter, word for word. I can hear my breathing, I can feel my heart. I’m alone. There’s just me, stuck in this body. Overwhelmed by feelings. Numb, uncontrolled. Sometimes unable to form coherent sentences. Noises disturb me. I can feel the borders of my body. I can see the limits of my mind. I must be delirious. Shaking, disorientated. Why? Just why? The odds are never in our favour. I’m breaking my promises with myself. i can’t seem to do my work, the things I have to. I don’t want to fail again, I can’t. I am stronger than that. I have to win. I’m not giving up again. I hate expectations. I hate not meeting expectations. I’m horrible at choosing. Feelings confuse me, especially “good” ones. I stopped looking at the screen a while ago. I just stare at the letters as my mind connects them into words. Don’t bother for the spelling, we have autocorrect for that. This must be a pain to read but honestly this “mood” is a pain to be in, so deal with it. Who am I? What am I doing? I’m lost. I can’t ask for help. They don’t understand. I tried help last time. It made it worse. I wanna sleep. I’m not tired. The book is almost finished but I have more to read. There’s anime left too. I should write on my stories more. Today has been a weird day. Can I go back to keeping up my act tomorrow? Can I face him? What about the other one? I need chocolate. I shouldn’t eat so much bad stuff. I’m spending too much money. My dad’s birthday is soon, he needs a present. Gotta pick up the girls after school tomorrow, I’ll have to stay longer. Tomorrow is such a long day already. Now I really gotta make sure school doesn’t find my blog. They’ll take me off IB immediately. I’m not crazy. I can do this. It’s almost eleven… don’t think I can sleep before then. I’ll be up until after midnight. Is my insomnia returning. Will the monsters be there? Dora is so cute, I’d love to trade with her for her simple life, but she’d ruin mine. Being a ca is so easy: sleep, eat, get cuddled, eat again, sleep. I love cats. I don’t like the clothes I’m wearing, they’re not my style. Not comfy enough. Not like I have much choice with todays awful fashion. Kakashi. People wouldn’t miss my absence from tumblr right? I wonder how soon they expect me to put out a new chapter for my popular fanfic. The last one isn’t even finished yet. I don’t want to worry anyone. I’m worried myself. I don’t want this. Why can’t I be happy? Or at least less like… this. My back hurts, I’m too lazy to move. Motivation is a hard thing for me. I can work hard when I have to. I have a test tomorrow. I didn’t give in the Geography homework yet. What about that weird thing for english. I hate being in trouble. I hate disappointing. I’m not a real pessimist, I’m an optimist that has been disappointed too much. My hair looks silly, I should have kept that strand in the braid. I wish it was longer.

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Alone in the crowd, an empty place filled with people

I close my eyes and take in the sounds of a world so empty where I feel utterly alone. I hear the chatter of people, the many forms of transport and everything that keeps this charade going. I’m a nobody to all the people that pass me by wondering why I’m not following suit, to me they’re all nobodies as well. Just filling, background, not something important. They don’t know of my suffering, my loneliness surrounded by many and they will all have individual stories as well.

Thousands, millions, plenty that could have seen I wasn’t doing well. So many faces I’ll never see again, who won’t see me either. They won’t even notice my disappearance. This whole mass of people could just as well be empty space. In fact I feel more alone when in such a crowd then when I sit in my home without a soul in sight.

I open my eyes and put my headphones back in their customary spot. They’re like ants, each trying to get somewhere in time. Places to be, people to meet. All following a similar pattern. Cars filling the roads, following the lines, sticking to the rules… well mostly. We all follow the rules, standards and expectations, but why? We grew up with them but at one point someone must have made them up. Traffic rules make sense, but why is it weird to hug a stranger, or impolite to comment on a bad fashion choice?

People like me, who do things differently stand out. We don’t blindly follow the rest, but question things and don’t understand things that when really analysed in fact do not make sense. We end up alone for who we are makes it hard to find people like us.

I go along my routine like the others, getting someplace at some time. But my thoughts are elsewhere, my eyes looking at a different world brought there by the music to drown the last of the outside world. Another person with a their own story, following suit with the rest, but not like the others. I will escape one day, but not today. For now I play their game, learn their rules until I can beat this faulty system.

Wisdom moment, space & time

I’ve got it again, answers to questions I never asked. My mind has been clouded by an illness, a physical one. Many are sick in body or mind, not all can be cured. I wonder why I have these moments of wisdom at my age.

But age is only a defined number, it counts the times my physical body has travelled around the sun on this earth to the same spot it was on the day I was born.

Most take years or a completed lifetime to grow wise and others never do. I am blessed with a pure heart and a capable brain just like many, but the road of youth is tretcherous and takes many with it’s temptations. Survivors make it far in life researching why and how.

Why was the universe created? How? I of course donot know, but maybe we’ve been looking at the problem from the wrong direction. Something can’t be created out of nothing, it could be a loop and while we are researching the beginning we should be researching what comes next.

Whenever I experience such a moment my use of language changes for unknown reasons.

There is so much man does not know and might never know.
But not everything can be thaught, some things have to be experienced or found out on our own and that’s when our lovely friend time comes in.

We are ticking time bombs with a limited lifespan, never enough time and a body to weak.

Time is an Illusion and yet it rules our lives, you can ask anyone what the time is before the hurry somewhere to be on time.

Time was made up to control people, that is why in ancient cultures they don’t know time, they know day and night even though a fine line seperates them.

Knowing is painfull, truth hurts. Knowing how little power you have against people we follow just because they have a certain job, a certain amount of control, it sucks.

See I’m losing it the slang returns and so does the 15 year old girl sitting on her bed around midnight…

Fantasy and Reality

I don’t like the real world, the harsh life, reality. When I get home after a school day I just get back into my book or game to escape reality, to go to a nicer place, a place that makes more sense. Life doesn’t make sense, people don’t make sense. The game I like the most is Minecraft, most people find it boring, simplistic. I don’t see why, they say it doesn’t have a clear goal, but it has a clearer goal than life; you must beat the ender dragon to win, how vague is that?! The way you get there is up to you, maybe that’s what they don’t like; you can build what you want kill what you want and explore what you want, you can take forever to meet the ender dragon or go there as fast as you can. Life is different, life doesn’t have a goal, you can’t go on your own pace without it giving you disadvantages, you’re forced to go to school, to work and for what?! Numbers?! Why would I want to waste 2/3 of my life on things that don’t matter in the end?! I want to do something I like, when I like it. It’s so annoying that society doesn’t work that way. That’s way I like my fantasy world, where everything is perfect, where I can decide what happens next, where there are no unpredictable factors, where everyone is nice, where there aren’t age restrictions, where nobody is hungry and where fat people are banned as well as criminals. I know what it’s like to feel so terrible you want to give up on life, so I also know what should be improved.

The story of my life is for another time, I have to go back to the real world now, to make my lunch for school, I hate school, except ICT and Biology and maybe Art if they would force my direction less.

[Note: This was written when I was 14/15]