Needing wishes, imagining cravings

I desire foods, ¬†but I don’t want to eat them
I long for company, yet let no one near
I ache to rest, nevertheless I remain awake
I seek music, though no song soothes my ears

I believe it’s more the feeling that they used to give than the matters itself which I long for and as they no longer supply it I grow hungry and restless. Wherever shall I find my comfort and move on from temporary distractions?

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To the new year

I’m not one to make new years resolutions and I’d rather pass the day like it was any other. Still I can’t help but wonder what the coming year has in store for me.

Will I be able to keep going, no matter what difficulties are thrown at me?
Will I be more fortunate in love?
Will I be able to keep my promises, to others and myself?
Will I find clarity, in who I am and where I’m going?
Will I conquer my fears and anxieties that make an “average day” exhausting?
Will I open up more, to cultures foods and other things I normally avoid?

All I want for christmas is…

…for my family not to fight for once
…to not starve over complex food I don’t like
…for school to realise holidays are for relaxing and recovering, not for work
…for radios to stop endlessly replaying the same old songs
…for nobody to black out from alcohol
…that December was over already
…that we actually got a white christmas for once
…not having to watch christmas movies
…not having to pretend I care about people I only see once a year
…the freedom to spend my time with whoever I like
…the right to walk around in pjs without anyone caring
…lots of chocolate
…to experience happy holidays
…to be able to forget all my worries and celebrate
…that I get to be with the ones I love
…that judgement and disagreements are put aside
…to feel significant
…to have no reason to cry

Lost

wish

Regret, anxiety, weakness, loneliness, strength, knowledge, memories, attitude, overthinking, attachment, indecision, hope…

They’re just a few of the things that eat away at my mind. I often wonder how I manage it and then I realise I don’t. I’m not okay, I’m putting up an act. The people I lie to most are my parents, people of authority and myself. I’m broken but I keep on going, why?

Mood swings, switching personalities, uncontrollable desires, overall confusion, eating issues, flares of anger, the urge to run away, endless thirst, over and under sensitive senses, pains in randoms places, talking to myself out loud, detachment from time, low concentration, chronic headaches

So many symptoms I have to deal with daily, all alone. I don’t tell anyone about them but some will of course show in public. They’d worry and that’d stress me out more… or so I say but perhaps I’m just too afraid to try? Somehow I’m still alive, I guess I’m just too stubborn to give up, hehe.