don’t reach for the bottle
don’t reach for the knife
don’t cut off your hair
don’t go pick a fight
don’t run to a stranger
don’t bother your friends
don’t count on your family
don’t trust yourself
don’t empty your savings
don’t go out at night
don’t visit the train tracks
don’t think of the heights
I’m deep underwater looking up at the world
unsure if I’m drowning or breathing just fine
everything seems so close yet so far
muffled, numbed, paralyzed, floating
weightless, shapeless, absent, heavy
should I be trying to escape?
should I just stay here?
I’m not real
At least that’s what it feels like
I can touch this world, smell it, hear it, taste it, see it
But I’m not here
–
I’m in my head
In my fantasies
In my stories
In my memories
–
I’m afraid any day soon
I’ll walk into these realities and swap places
With the poor placeholder I put through a million variations
Forever stuck suffering my own whims
–
How do I find my way back to myself
I want to scream in lowercase
And draw blood to feel the pain inside my broken brain
I want to eat my weight in comfort
And starve to frame my ideal form
He sighs with all of her body and blinks his tears away with her lashes.
Her chest heaves as he tries to catch his breath.
The mirror laughs at him as it shows her reflection.
Healthcare says Miss is trans.
And calls him by her name.
How much longer until he can take his shirt off?
And Sir gets stopped at TSA?
When will the mirror show the truth?
His body fully his.
Nobody remembering her name.
There's order in my chaos 
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