2 am shower

Turn the shower hotter, just before the point it starts to burn. Let the water stream down your face so you can’t tell it from the tears. Wash your hair wishing you could wash your thoughts instead and stop them turning on you. Shave and don’t push too hard or aim it somewhere softer. Watch the shade of your knuckles turn as you accidentally on purpose pound them against the wall to the point it hurts. Feel the pattern of the shower tiles imprint on your flesh as you sit there for an eternity that lasts just a few seconds. Get out and feel so much better and so much worse.

Depth

I’m deep underwater looking up at the world

unsure if I’m drowning or breathing just fine

everything seems so close yet so far

muffled, numbed, paralyzed, floating

weightless, shapeless, absent, heavy

should I be trying to escape?

should I just stay here?

A half finished poem

I want to scream in lowercase

And draw blood to feel the pain inside my broken brain

I want to eat my weight in comfort

And starve to frame my ideal form

Dysphoria

He sighs with all of her body and blinks his tears away with her lashes.
Her chest heaves as he tries to catch his breath.
The mirror laughs at him as it shows her reflection.
Healthcare says Miss is trans.
And calls him by her name.

How much longer until he can take his shirt off?
And Sir gets stopped at TSA?
When will the mirror show the truth?
His body fully his.
Nobody remembering her name.

Overstimulation

Tears stream down my face at the slightest failure.
Rage wants my hands to meet the wall at any confusion.
Fear freezes and heats my body at any hint of witnesses.
Like an overcharged battery I expand my overload desperately through overheated emotion.

Too much.
Too little.
I don’t know.
I do care.
My head screams while I stay silent.