Is it still denial when you know it is? I wonder if it’s a protective measure I’ve accidentally triggered. Why bother protecting myself from the unavoidable hurt? To have one more day, where everything goes right? It’s unrealistic and I know it yet my mind can’t seem to stop creating surreally realistic scenarios that keep me from focusing. They all happen because you’re leaving, but we never say goodbye. It’s always like it’s a chapter that’s been misplaced, like it belongs further on. After all this time I spent, waiting and having my emotions played with even in my imagination we don’t end up together, at least not now.
I must have the cycle of grief all messed up; First I got depressed, then I was angry, after which was acceptance, followed by bargaining and now denial. Then again a broken heart wouldn’t be the same grief, but I’m not broken. I’m fine, I feel better than I have in weeks. When the day does come I’m sure I’ll collapse. When will I see you again? Will I manage to say I love you? Will I wait for you? Will you wait for me? We don’t know what the future holds but I want to enjoy what little time we have. Even if it is just one more day I’ll try my best to make it perfect. You did tell me to make my “dreams” come true, but are you sure you’re up for it?
You know, I read through our old messages. I must admit I’ve been quite obsessed, I still have all your pictures and plenty of screenshots I took along the way. Most of it made me crack a smile, I bet it must have at the time too, but I could also read the pain some of your messages caused me and I figure I must have done the same. Either I’m convincing myself of a pretty lie or everything makes sense now. I feel awakened and can now keep from obsessing like I used to. You’re still a bad kisser regardless, but I still wouldn’t mind doing it again, hell I could teach you. Isn’t that ironic, you who gave me my first kiss, to be taught how to kiss by me? It probably won’t happen but it can’t hurt to imagine, not anymore. It’s pathetic how I cried over the many what-if happy-end scenarios I used to create, but it was all I knew.
The one thing that still stings is that I so clearly get how you feel, we’re both in love with someone we can’t be with and though we try so desperatly to fall for another we keep turning back. “Why did you come back, I thought I broke your heart? I told you not to wait for me, you should have gotten over me.” I can imagine you saying and I have my perfect reply ready. “You of all people should know how hard it is to get over someone even when they’re no good for you.” I’m tired of “you can do better” and “he doesn’t deserve you” when all I want is you. You’re far from perfect, but so am I. Both a broken mess with different ways of escape. More than friends but not exactly dating, it’s complicated…