Heartfixed

Is it still denial when you know it is? I wonder if it’s a protective measure I’ve accidentally triggered. Why bother protecting myself from the unavoidable hurt? To have one more day, where everything goes right? It’s unrealistic and I know it yet my mind can’t seem to stop creating surreally realistic scenarios that keep me from focusing. They all happen because you’re leaving, but we never say goodbye. It’s always like it’s a chapter that’s been misplaced, like it belongs further on. After all this time I spent, waiting and having my emotions played with even in my imagination we don’t end up together, at least not now.

I must have the cycle of grief all messed up; First I got depressed, then I was angry, after which was acceptance, followed by bargaining and now denial. Then again a broken heart wouldn’t be the same grief, but I’m not broken. I’m fine, I feel better than I have in weeks. When the day does come I’m sure I’ll collapse. When will I see you again? Will I manage to say I love you? Will I wait for you? Will you wait for me? We don’t know what the future holds but I want to enjoy what little time we have. Even if it is just one more day I’ll try my best to make it perfect. You did tell me to make my “dreams” come true, but are you sure you’re up for it?

You know, I read through our old messages. I must admit I’ve been quite obsessed, I still have all your pictures and plenty of screenshots I took along the way. Most of it made me crack a smile, I bet it must have at the time too, but I could also read the pain some of your messages caused me and I figure I must have done the same. Either I’m convincing myself of a pretty lie or everything makes sense now. I feel awakened and can now keep from obsessing like I used to. You’re still a bad kisser regardless, but I still wouldn’t mind doing it again, hell I could teach you. Isn’t that ironic, you who gave me my first kiss, to be taught how to kiss by me? It probably won’t happen but it can’t hurt to imagine, not anymore. It’s pathetic how I cried over the many what-if happy-end scenarios I used to create, but it was all I knew.

The one thing that still stings is that I so clearly get how you feel, we’re both in love with someone we can’t be with and though we try so desperatly to fall for another we keep turning back. “Why did you come back, I thought I broke your heart? I told you not to wait for me, you should have gotten over me.” I can imagine you saying and I have my perfect reply ready. “You of all people should know how hard it is to get over someone even when they’re no good for you.” I’m tired of “you can do better” and “he doesn’t deserve you” when all I want is you. You’re far from perfect, but so am I. Both a broken mess with different ways of escape. More than friends but not exactly dating, it’s complicated…

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Sanity set sail

I‘m disappointed in myself. What happened to the books I’d read? Or the games I’d play? The Animes I’d watch? The Youtubers I followed? What about those things I used to call hobbies but now see as tasks to avoid? Why is everything that used to bring me happiness past tense? I can’t seem to bring up the motivation when before I used to grab any chance I got to “waste” my time on these things…

Nowadays my feelings are confused and I feel like I’m a different person at every time of day. In front of people I normally don’t care about it suddenly matters that they like me and to the people I’m close with I act indifferent. Why? Why do I have no control of my actions? Why do I act out of character? Have I finally snapped?

Since these “takeovers” are so subtle that I don’t notice at the moment but afterwards I cringe over things I regret. It wasn’t me who did that. It’s not like I’m sitting in the backseat watching someone do these things, it’s more like my morals and ideas are temporarily shifted. I was there, but back then it made sense to act that way…

Arrrgh, my feelings are a mess, my head is a mess… is there anywhere left to run? To hide from who I am, no of what I’m becoming? I used to write the lines for my role but it now seems I’m only the actress and I play my part so well. Did I lose myself along the way of trying to be what people wanted me to be? Do I even know who I am to begin with? Where does my act end and my personality begin?

No more… I just want to shut everything out. Leave me alone, don’t come near. I’m lonely, give me affection. Notice me, I need to be out there more. Always contradicting fucking feelings. Choose, choose, choose. Shut up, just shut up. I shouldn’t be talking to myself. I’d like silence, in my head an all around. I can never find it, there’s always noise. No matter how much I try to drown it I can’t escape it.

Even insane characters and their ridiculous actions start to make sense, perhaps even look like fun. What the fuck. Tokyo Ghoul, known for being gruesome, is a welcome and enjoyable distraction. My mind is twisted, my likes and dislikes switched, I can no longer control my anger and my thoughts are working against me. How can I still keep up this convincing smile? Why do I do it anyway? There’s nothing being gained from being a lame puppet in this crazy game.

Unspoken words

I’ve been keeping something secret from you, actually a lot of things. Were it crippling anxiety, fear of rejection or something of which I’m still unaware? Now I’ll tell you everything I never said.

Any food you make is delicious even when it isn’t
I always hate leaving you even if we’ll see each other tomorrow
I can’t count how often I’ve thought of waking up to your lovely sleepy face
I can’t seem to stop thinking about you I do it all the time
I can’t sleep without missing the feeling of your arms around me
I cling to the sweet things you told me when I’m feeling down
I feel sad when I can’t see your smile
I get jealous when I hear others talk about you
I may or may not have stared at you… a lot
I miss the taste of your lips I bet you don’t
I never seem to find the courage to make a move towards you
I often beat myself up over things I should have and things I shouldn’t have done around you
I remember every word you said, every move you made
I want to hold your hand just a little longer and never let go
I want to ruffle your hair and you mine
I want to steal one of your sweaters just to take a little bit of you wherever I go
I’ll have to leave you someday and I hope it never comes
I’ll lie, get in trouble or miss out on something important to me just to be there for you
I’m always looking forward to the next time I see you
I’m glad that I met you
I’ve dropped so many hints and still you seem oblivious
I’ve thought of so many what ifs
I’ve wanted you to caress my cheek for the longest time
I’ve wanted you to hold me tighter
If the whole world wanted me to be theirs I’d still be chasing you
It hurts that you’re always just out of reach
My “jokes” about us being together really hurt
Oh your smile makes me melt
You can call me with a problem and I’ll drop everything I was doing
You can change my mood in a split second
You make me burn up in the cold of winter and freeze in the hot of summer
You’ve changed me in ways I could never imagine
You’re the only one I ever tell how I really feel well not about you
Your messages bring more joy than any other’s

I know you’re broken and imperfect but that doesn’t stop me from… loving you

I love you

No such thing as silence

Silence… No there are noises, just not from external sources. There is no one in the room, no sounds from outside and no sounds from me. No objects around to fall tick or hum, not even the sound of my beating heart or my calm regular breathing. Utter silence and yet I can hear the loudest noises. My thoughts, my feelings, my voices creating a chaos of conflicting opinions within the quiet that surrounds me. I’m the only one that can hear them even if there was someone else to listen. I don’t know what it’s like, true silence. No thoughts, no feelings and no voices raging trough my head. That only happens when the outside world is so loud that it overpowers the inside one.

I always say: The less I hear the more I hear. Without explanation it sounds odd, but perhaps now you get it. The less I hear from the outside, the more I hear from the inside. The more I hear from the outside, the less I hear from the inside.

Music is a real saviour for me, it drowns both inside and outside noises and takes me away into deep thoughts without the normal nasty consequences. Whenever I can’t sleep at night due to overthinking I’ll play music until my mind is numb. When the tv downstairs or noisy cohabitants keep me from my well earned rest music it is. I’d be dead or at least insane without music. I can’t walk, do any work, read or relax without it. Cursed with hyper sensitive hearing, voices and a wild imagination it really is my tower of strength.

I wish I could contribute to this world of rhythm but my writing “talent” does not apply to songwriting. My overall skill in music are horrible, though my dancing is acceptable. Oh and whatever you do, don’t ask me to sing unless you want bleeding ears. All I can do is just appreciate it and leave it to the pro’s.

Wisdom moment, space & time

I’ve got it again, answers to questions I never asked. My mind has been clouded by an illness, a physical one. Many are sick in body or mind, not all can be cured. I wonder why I have these moments of wisdom at my age.

But age is only a defined number, it counts the times my physical body has travelled around the sun on this earth to the same spot it was on the day I was born.

Most take years or a completed lifetime to grow wise and others never do. I am blessed with a pure heart and a capable brain just like many, but the road of youth is tretcherous and takes many with it’s temptations. Survivors make it far in life researching why and how.

Why was the universe created? How? I of course donot know, but maybe we’ve been looking at the problem from the wrong direction. Something can’t be created out of nothing, it could be a loop and while we are researching the beginning we should be researching what comes next.

Whenever I experience such a moment my use of language changes for unknown reasons.

There is so much man does not know and might never know.
But not everything can be thaught, some things have to be experienced or found out on our own and that’s when our lovely friend time comes in.

We are ticking time bombs with a limited lifespan, never enough time and a body to weak.

Time is an Illusion and yet it rules our lives, you can ask anyone what the time is before the hurry somewhere to be on time.

Time was made up to control people, that is why in ancient cultures they don’t know time, they know day and night even though a fine line seperates them.

Knowing is painfull, truth hurts. Knowing how little power you have against people we follow just because they have a certain job, a certain amount of control, it sucks.

See I’m losing it the slang returns and so does the 15 year old girl sitting on her bed around midnight…