My name is Anouk Borsboom, I’m 17 years old and I’ve been dead for 9 years now. From my 8 years of being alive I only remember slivers, negative emotions and facts I’ve been told later. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a zombie. I haven’t actually physically died, but somewhere along the lines when I was 8 I stopped living and started surviving. Ever since the attack on my life, surviving was all I could do. The one responsible, was me. Well… I was the only one directly responsible, there are many others who are indirectly the cause. I’ve been told I was a happy kid, calm but energetic and likeable. How did that girl end up with a death wish? Bullying, neglect, trauma, pressure, marginalisation, discrimination. They’ll never have to pay for what they did, I’ll never be able to get my revenge. Most of them won’t even know the damage they’ve caused. Still I ended up seriously and consciously wanting to end my life, I had even considered multiple ways. I was saved, not by someone who cared for me or something noble, it wasn’t even my own sanity. I didn’t kill myself because then all the hours I’d invested in my games would be wasted. I know right, very funny. Feel free to laugh, not like something so simple can hurt my feelings anymore. The thing with suicidal thoughts is that none of us really want to die. We just rather lose all chance of recovery than having to continue suffering. We just want to escape, disappear and leave our worries behind us. For me it was games and books, I was reading Harry potter by the time I was 6. I loved reading and I was a total bookworm. Now that I look back I didn’t enjoy it because the stories were so great, but because they were worlds I could temporarily hide in. Far far away from everything that bothered me. To be honest I have no idea how an 8 year old would have offed herself but eh, it’s where the darkness starts.
…for my family not to fight for once
…to not starve over complex food I don’t like
…for school to realise holidays are for relaxing and recovering, not for work
…for radios to stop endlessly replaying the same old songs
…for nobody to black out from alcohol
…that December was over already
…that we actually got a white christmas for once
…not having to watch christmas movies
…not having to pretend I care about people I only see once a year
…the freedom to spend my time with whoever I like
…the right to walk around in pjs without anyone caring
…lots of chocolate
…to experience happy holidays
…to be able to forget all my worries and celebrate
…that I get to be with the ones I love
…that judgement and disagreements are put aside
…to feel significant
…to have no reason to cry
“Because everything you’ve believed to be true is a blatant lie.”
What do you mean? Of course my parents are my parents. I’m definitely Human. This is not a dream, how can it be? If I’m dead how do you explain my pain, my thoughts and feelings? You’ve got to be joking. Is this some kind of prank? It’s not funny. Stop fucking with me. You’re a filthy liar! This can’t be! I mean how can everything be a lie? Even all my memories? Will I ever be able to return to this “lie”? Why did you have to tell me this? I was fine where I was. It wasn’t exactly a happy lie but this feels so hollow. My whole world has collapsed. Everyone I cared about, everything I was going to do... It’s really true? All of it? No way… how could I have never noticed? So what happens now? What is true? Who am I? What am I? Where are we?
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
5 Stages of loss, but what if it really did turn out that all you believed wasn’t true? That the world as you knew it was a farce? That there were higher evil powers at play? Could you handle the sheer devastation of your wasted effort? Would you be able to accept the new truth or desperately try to get back to what you knew and pretend you never learned “the truth”?
I know my curiosity’d get the better of me and try to learn of this truth and piece by piece lose my connecting to the comfortable lie I knew. If everything was a lie anyway there’s no reason to stick to it. At least I hope I’ll be able to let go like that, I already struggle with letting go of my past as it is. Beyond any reason why I lived a lie I’d want to know how on earth it was maintained. Besides will I wake up in a machine or something or am I not going anywhere?
I suppose the closest feeling i’ll ever get is after finishing a good anime or book and you just don’t know what to with your life anymore. When everything seems so meaningless and you ponder your existence. What if I was just a character in a very complex book? What is reality?
Maybe that’s just me though, hehe.
I just started writing this during a moment of going crazy. Just typing away my every thought. Times like these aren’t unusual to me but still relatively rare so don’t think I’m like this all the time.
Lost, broken, off balance. What matters? What do I have to do? What am I doing? What’s next? I feel like I’ve been placed in a fantasy world. I don’t belong. It’s so familiar. It’s so alien. Tears burn in my eyes but don’t come. My head is on fire, my hands are frozen. Nothing is comfortable. I want hide, to escape. Curl up in a ball and never wake up. I eat all the food I love. Cuddle my cat. Relive happy times. What does tomorrow matter? We’re all going to die anyway. My mind is a mess but at least it’s silent. There’s just dread, darkness. No… there’s still choices. Still voices that wont shut up. SHUT UP! Insanity, is this insanity? Losing it? I’m detached from myself, my hands moving without the slightest thought. Just my words being recorded, letter for letter, word for word. I can hear my breathing, I can feel my heart. I’m alone. There’s just me, stuck in this body. Overwhelmed by feelings. Numb, uncontrolled. Sometimes unable to form coherent sentences. Noises disturb me. I can feel the borders of my body. I can see the limits of my mind. I must be delirious. Shaking, disorientated. Why? Just why? The odds are never in our favour. I’m breaking my promises with myself. i can’t seem to do my work, the things I have to. I don’t want to fail again, I can’t. I am stronger than that. I have to win. I’m not giving up again. I hate expectations. I hate not meeting expectations. I’m horrible at choosing. Feelings confuse me, especially “good” ones. I stopped looking at the screen a while ago. I just stare at the letters as my mind connects them into words. Don’t bother for the spelling, we have autocorrect for that. This must be a pain to read but honestly this “mood” is a pain to be in, so deal with it. Who am I? What am I doing? I’m lost. I can’t ask for help. They don’t understand. I tried help last time. It made it worse. I wanna sleep. I’m not tired. The book is almost finished but I have more to read. There’s anime left too. I should write on my stories more. Today has been a weird day. Can I go back to keeping up my act tomorrow? Can I face him? What about the other one? I need chocolate. I shouldn’t eat so much bad stuff. I’m spending too much money. My dad’s birthday is soon, he needs a present. Gotta pick up the girls after school tomorrow, I’ll have to stay longer. Tomorrow is such a long day already. Now I really gotta make sure school doesn’t find my blog. They’ll take me off IB immediately. I’m not crazy. I can do this. It’s almost eleven… don’t think I can sleep before then. I’ll be up until after midnight. Is my insomnia returning. Will the monsters be there? Dora is so cute, I’d love to trade with her for her simple life, but she’d ruin mine. Being a ca is so easy: sleep, eat, get cuddled, eat again, sleep. I love cats. I don’t like the clothes I’m wearing, they’re not my style. Not comfy enough. Not like I have much choice with todays awful fashion. Kakashi. People wouldn’t miss my absence from tumblr right? I wonder how soon they expect me to put out a new chapter for my popular fanfic. The last one isn’t even finished yet. I don’t want to worry anyone. I’m worried myself. I don’t want this. Why can’t I be happy? Or at least less like… this. My back hurts, I’m too lazy to move. Motivation is a hard thing for me. I can work hard when I have to. I have a test tomorrow. I didn’t give in the Geography homework yet. What about that weird thing for english. I hate being in trouble. I hate disappointing. I’m not a real pessimist, I’m an optimist that has been disappointed too much. My hair looks silly, I should have kept that strand in the braid. I wish it was longer.
“Eyes are the window to the soul“
What colour are your eyes? Not an unusual question,for me however the question has an unusual answer. In fact it needs explanation and a tale from my past.
You see, my eyes aren’t simply grey, blue, green or brown. Neither are they a combination of any 2 colours, not even 3. They are in fact all colours at once while being none at all. In fact, I don’t know their true colour.
All I’m certain of is that on the outer edge of my iris I have a dark grey ring and the very inner edge touching my pupil has brown “flames”. Depending on the light and my mood the space in between will seem either green,blue or grey but light nonetheless. Over the years I’ve had them change from a more blue tone, towards grey and now the the brown “flames” are taking up more and more of iris. I’m also often told my eyes look green when I’m experiencing intense emotions.
Seems like everything else about me, my eyes have their own style. Since it runs in the family my eyesight is poor and will grow worse as I grow older. I often wear lenses to make full use of my eyes, but if I had to give up one sense sight would be high on my list. I’d give up smell first though, since my sense of smell is poor to non existent. Sight I’d say is the most annoying of the senses, unfortunately our society is built around it and I wouldn’t be able to read my precious books without it.
I like special eyes like mine, so deep blues won’t swoon me. I like seeing what’s behind things rather than the immediate picture, that’s why you won’t find me at places like waterfalls or other things I could have just google a picture of. How do things work? Why do people do something? Plain old curiosity.
I’ts not what you see that changes your view, but the knowledge of what’s behind it that does. A random combination of letters is nothing if the word has no meaning to you just as when you don’t know how to play a sport you won’t enjoy or see the use of it.
What’s my view on life? It’s a paradox: There’s no reason to do anything as we will die anyway, we must make use of the time we have since we will die anyway. If there’s anything I wouldn’t want it would be to be immortal, doomed to live forever while those I care about die. Being unaffected by time, living without purpose. Sounds like a punishment worse than death.
Wow I got way off topic! I’ll end it here for now, hope you didn’t mind the ramble.